SelfExplorer

My girlfriend and I are going through a rough patch and I feel completely lost, without knowing how to solve it and as a result I am feeling a lot of anxiety.

We haven't been in person for about a month and a half and she's been acting different for about 2 weeks, and she got mad at me for asking her about it and for trying to talk to her while she ignored me, claiming afterwards that I was being too controlling. Monday she told me that even though she still loves me that she's not ready to forgive me and that I shouldn't doubt her word, which I already had done twice.

She still hasn't forgive me since.

Last night I was feeling so bad I broke my habit of going to sleep at around 4 a.m. to go to bed at around 10 p.m. Only at around 11 p.m. did I fall asleep.

I dreamed that I was on a large street that I recognize from the city where I study and I heard news of my gf being run over, and I became a mess, I was actually angry at the world and already expecting the worst. I stayed in this state for what it felt like about 15 minutes before I got a call from somebody unknown as I got to an intersection (that I still recognize as being from that same street) where there was a traffic jam and little square pieces were on the floor. 6 of them, making my mind reading a shape of a V on top of an upside down V making a shape like XX.

That person who called me reassured me that even though she was in bad shape, everything was expected to be alright, and he was coming to pick me up (at this point, the scenery changed to something I don't recognize, with more narrow streets) as he was arriving he told me he was Turkish and that was glad to meet his "crush's other crush". As he appears, he takes me by foot along the streets, singing some crappy song made on the spot. I woke up before we even got to the hospital and I don't even remember what he looked like.

I woke up at half past midnight, and I wrote down what I remembered from the dream. I put the DJ away at around 20 minutes to 1 a.m. but it'd take a while before I had some resemblance of sleep again.

The remainder of the night was made of a series of vague dreams with dark themes, involving stories with drownings, death and suffering in general, and even some things about Rick and Morty, as I had the night before. Those were the kinds of dreams you have when you have a fever, when you end up not sure if you were really asleep or with some vivid imagination. Problem is, I have no fever.

I woke up at 7 a.m for the first time, but I did my best to keep sleeping until 11 a.m, at which point I got out of bed.

It's around 20 minutes past noon as I'm writing this.