Losing my child self

[Simax]

For context: * I am a young adult that has only recently started to come to terms with the fact that I feel like, and am, a guy even though I was born female. * At three years old I started to go to daycare, and I was shy to the extreme. Apparently I hardly spoke at all while being there, which surprised my mum when she heard that, because I had absolutely no problems speaking at home. I'm still quiet and reserved, also I don't feel that I am very pro-active, and I don't really express my feelings, especially not anger (in dreams, however, I often react strongly when feeling wronged - not seldom with violence). * I like sci-fi stories about alternative universes, different timelines, time-travelling and -paradoxes, so that kind of stuff often appear in my dreams. I have some sort of hunch about what some things in this dream is about, but having some input from somebody else's perspective would be very helpful, and there might be things that I have missed or that can be seen from other angles. -------- I was in a large university building, in which I supposedly lived, there were a few dorm rooms. At first I was just hanging around, I think a few family members were there at some point, although my memories of the first portion of the dream are hazy at best. One thing I do remember is that I heard a guy, slightly younger than myself (early 20's) read something he had written out loud, from inside of his dorm room (the door was open). He had made a factual mistake and I went into his room and told him so. After that I didn't know whether or not to stay in there, he didn't ask me to leave or anything but I barely knew him so I felt there was no point in me staying, and so I went out. I laughed a little about my actions - entering someone's room just to correct them, and then immediately leaving, and how "mansplainy" it felt (although he appreciated my correction). Later on, I was with my past self (which I, for the sake of simplicity, will refer to as "she"), aged two or three or so, based on her appearance I'd say this was before she went into daycare. I felt very protective, the same way I am in real life with my younger siblings, I was carrying her the whole time. She had some rashes on her face, nothing dramatic, but honestly it was a bit off-putting to me, although it went away after a while. I wanted her to know that I, her future self, is a boy, because I thought that even though she might not understand it at this point, perhaps remembering that if only in the back of her head would help her realize this sooner in life than I did (I'm not sure how this worked - whether she was myself from an alternative timeline, or if she had time-travelled and making something that would alter her future would in its turn rewrite our collective history, i.e change my past). So I mentioned it, in a low voice, because there were people around and I was scared that if they heard what I was talking about they would think I was trying to indoctrinate her or something. I then asked her if she wanted to be a boy. She said "no". Even though I don't remember actively thinking that as a kid, it surprised me, although I couldn't be sure she really understood the question (especially since, if I recall correctly, children don't really form a sense of gender identity until age 3-4 or so). We continued walking around (or I was walking around, carrying her) around the building, but suddenly I realized she was gone. I had no idea whatsoever when and how this could have happened, I may be a bit of a scatterbrain and prone to lose things, but a child?! I panicked, and was very frustrated with myself, to say the least. This is precisely why it's better for everyone that I don't plan on having any children, I thought, but I also realized the irony of the situation: "how the hell do you lose yourself?". I, of course, started searching for the kid. Running around the building and looking. I noticed the university was holding an election for school president or something of the sorts. A primary school teacher of mine was a candidate, she had a table advertising her party, it was focused on feminism, with the aesthetics of wealthy grown-up girl power: lots and lots of shocking pink, shiny fabric. I thought it suited her. She is, or at least was when I knew her, a very prim and proper lady with a bit of sass. In a hallway I ran past the guy whose writing mistake I had corrected earlier, I accidentally bumped into him, and stopped and apologize. He stopped as well, then he smacked my ass. This obviously upset me, and I also felt uncomfortable realizing, in such an icky way to boot, that he saw me as a woman. I started yelling at him, and said that my daughter was missing (I felt that "daughter" would warrant less explanation than "myself as a kid"), and then I kicked him in the crotch. It didn't feel like I kicked very hard, but he fell down on the floor, crying. I walked away and kept looking for myself. I called out to her, the unisex nickname for her name, which is now my actual name. I wasn't sure whether I had actually been called that at that age, but using its feminine form felt wrong to me. And sure enough, I heard her answer, in a singsong tone: "You ca-an't find mee". "Yes-I-can", I replied in the same manner, this call-and-response went on for a little as I was trying to locate her voice. I eventually located it to a closed door on my right, at some sort of meeting spot in the end of a corridor. Only half-jokingly, I thought to myself that if I hadn't found her, she would get lost in the woods, and become some sort of hermit, thus rewriting my entire past and just like that I would disappear from this university and find myself in a cabin in the woods. (I didn't think anything about the time-paradox this would create, but on the other hand I got distracted right after having thought that.) As I was approaching the door, it opened, and out came kiddy-me, along with a handful of other kids. She seemed happy. I was relieved, and considered picking her up again, but then I had the feeling she wouldn't want that, and even if I had been really worried and wanted to keep her close to me, I had to respect that. So instead I took her hand, and we walked. ------------------------- I guess the core of the dream hardly needs an interpretation at all: I lost myself and then I found myself again. I was also trying very hard to protect myself, only to realize that it was a bit too much. Taking the child's hand instead of carrying her around, she could walk on her own while I still knew she was nearby, and it also felt as if we were a bit more on equal terms from there on. It feels as if I was trying to give this child-version of me a better understanding and more clarity than I had, either in an alternative universe, or as an attempt to rewrite my own history. The same, in a sense, could apply to the point where I found the child: apparently having socialized with a bunch of other kids, looking happy and content, not shy and scared at all. As for asking whether kiddy-me would want to be a boy, I think it had a lot to do with the fact that it took me relatively long to realize that I am, compared to the kind of stories about this one usually hears. It has made me doubt myself and my feelings a lot before accepting them and even taking them seriously. Maybe I was disappointed by the negative answer, because I had held out hope that a "yes" would serve as some sort of definite "proof", but alas, the kid didn't deliver and I was again left to my own devices, having to answer that question myself, that is, my present self.

[Athanor]

Although in order to provide a more accurate interpretation it would usually be best to have some additional general background information about you (and a description of events just before the dream), it looks like the dream is trying to give you some general advice as you move forward and establish your new gender identity over time. Your description of apparently being very shy during all of your childhood, as well as currently, might explain your liking for sci-fi stories about alternative universes, different timelines, time-travelling and paradoxes (as well as explaining why these concepts appear in your dreams). That’s because your apparently innate shyness, combined with gradually coming to realize the confusing aspects of your gender identity, would probably have tended to isolate you in many ways from outside interactions. If so, without knowing it, you likely turned inward even more than your basic nature would perhaps have led you to do. The result would have been your going into much deeper layers of your psyche which are in effect “timeless” and too far away from the here and now. In order to alert you to this fact, your unconscious mind would have surrounded tales of alternative universes etc. with a fascinating quality, in essence to help lead you someday to realize that any such situation tended to be “too far from actual reality as it is”. Similarly, your dreams have likely contained these concepts in order that you would examine them and find a more balanced approach that was better suited to everyday life which maybe was hard for you to deal with in various ways. Your dream takes place in a large university building which is visually describing a certain state of mind, perhaps a habitual one in general (e.g. you’re apparently a student and live in the university). You’d have to see in turn what spontaneous memories, thoughts and feelings come to mind when you focus on each person and event that takes place there. Then by sifting through what appears, hopefully a basic clue will appear about the personal meaning of your dream. But on analogy, a university in a dream conjures up the image of “mind”, “thought”, “words” and “learning” etc. which somehow relates to the dreamer’s situation. An incident occurs where you correct a guy’s technical error without being asked, but the relationship ends there because of a certain hesitation and shyness. It’s possible that the dream could be presenting this scenario as a symbolic rendering of how you might too often tend to be approaching others using “mind” as opposed to “feelings”. As you mentioned, you don’t usually feel comfortable in expressing certain emotions and values, and this would be very understandable given the apparently difficult time you had while growing up. So it’s conceivable that the rest of the dream is illustrating some ways to improve any such situation. If this is the case, the next scenes are very important because your past self at age 2-3 is placed center stage and apparently must be the key symbol of the dream to unravel. You carry her around protectively although some rashes on her face are a little off-putting. Although rashes have mostly physical causes, they can be made worse by psychological stresses. You could ask your mother if perhaps you had such rashes at this age. If so, this could be a marker about how sensitive a child overall you might have been even at that time. The underlying meaning of the image could therefore be that such “sensitivities” still occur often and are unconsciously “disconcerting” to you, perhaps especially when dealing with others. Next, you essentially tell her that, in the future, she will be a boy. This happens in the atmosphere of thinking about “alternative timelines” etc., suggesting that, because of a certain inward descent into the deeper layers of your unconscious when growing up, certain states of mind related to the “here and now” might tend to be little too “undifferentiated” and “confused”. If so, this could underlie some fears and hesitations that appear when around others (e.g. you’re afraid others will “condemn” you in the dream for trying to help, in effect, your real self). You then asked her if she wanted to be a boy, she said "no", and this surprised you. The idea could be that she doesn’t want to “merge with you”, as it were, as a male, but wants to remain “separate” and “conscious” as an “other”, possibly representing an innate part of yourself that is the so-called “feminine” aspect of a person that is able to relate confidently and well with others. As you mentioned, you currently aren’t very “pro-active”, but there’s apparently a part of you that wants to grow and change this situation over time. But it isn’t strictly “masculine” in its nature and needs to remain “feminine”. Very shortly after the little girl says “no” which shocks you, you lose her. In the language of dreams, “losing” someone or something usually means that an important part of one’s personality or understanding etc. has become “unseen”, i.e. it’s “unconscious”. Panic and confusion ensue which could mean that a basic failure to allow something “feminine” to co-exist with your new, stronger masculine gender identity might cause a certain “disorientation” and “lack of direction” towards reaching an overall sense of wholeness and contentment in the years ahead. For example, you think in the dream how losing the little girl shows that you’re right in not wanting to have any children; that is, symbolically, new potentials might not be “born”, be “nurtured” and “grow” in the future if feeling values etc. aren’t allowed to develop and mature, no matter how hard they might be to “raise” and have them “go through their teens” in a manner of speaking. The phrase "how the hell do you lose yourself?" seems to be the dream’s way of emphasizing that of course, you shouldn’t lose this crucial part of your personality. In addition, not planning on having any children again expresses a “rejection” of the “feminine” in the dream. Doing so, and adhering strictly to a certain kind of “masculine” intellectual stance as symbolized by the university, apparently isn’t the best way to go from the dream’s point of view. For example, the scene about the election of a university president perhaps shows the danger that you might fall prey to a kind of strident, 180⁰ turn in your personality as does the woman who’s running. The idea might be that doing so “wouldn’t be the real you”, and that conscious work at expressing your true feelings and values would be best over time. Similarly, the next scene where you eventually kick the man in the crotch could mean that you won’t gain any “respect” in the end for who you really are without gaining some control over being able to assertively stand up for yourself as opposed to perhaps being too “aggressive”. You then hear the little girl and think “If I hadn't found her, she would get lost in the woods, and become some sort of hermit, thus rewriting my entire past and just like that I would disappear from this university and find myself in a cabin in the woods”. Symbolically, this probably means something along the lines that the little girl could have disappeared into your unconscious (the woods), therefore what she symbolizes could have remained undeveloped and disconnected from everyday life (a hermit), and the result could have been that your innate, unique potentials could be much less well developed (gone from the university and end up in a cabin in the woods). You then find the little girl in a room on your right side. “Right” and “in front” in dreams usually relate to the outer world and interacting with it (as opposed to “left” and “behind” which are mostly linked to dealing with inner parts of oneself). Unlike yourself at that age, she has apparently related very well with the other children in the room, becoming happy and relaxed. This might point to the idea that a part of you that was left behind long ago because of some very difficult issues now needs to be supported and nourished as an independent, “feminine” part of yourself as connected with relating to others as a whole (e.g. you walk away hand in hand). If you believe that you’re basically a quiet, inward-looking person and that this isn’t really going to change all that much in the future, you might like “The Introvert Advantage: How to Thrive in an Extrovert World” by Marti Olsen Laney, Psy.D. Anyway as mentioned, without knowing anything much about you, this way of looking at your dream might not fit your personal circumstances very well, but I hope that these ideas can be helpful in some way. Please feel free to comment on, or to ask any questions about, this particular way of looking at your dream.

[Simax]

First of all, thank you so much for your reply, it has given me some new perspectives and fueled some deeper thought about it for me as well. Your description of apparently being very shy during all of your childhood, as well as currently, might explain your liking for sci-fi stories about alternative universes, different timelines, time-travelling and paradoxes (as well as explaining why these concepts appear in your dreams). (...) The result would have been your going into much deeper layers of your psyche which are in effect “timeless” and too far away from the here and now. This is an interesting way of seeing it, I've never thought of it like that. But on analogy, a university in a dream conjures up the image of “mind”, “thought”, “words” and “learning” etc. which somehow relates to the dreamer’s situation. An incident occurs where you correct a guy’s technical error without being asked, but the relationship ends there because of a certain hesitation and shyness. It’s possible that the dream could be presenting this scenario as a symbolic rendering of how you might too often tend to be approaching others using “mind” as opposed to “feelings”. This is very true. I am quite worried about "bothering" people I interact with. Also "mind" as opposed to "feelings": I'm starting to thinking being emotionally reserved and "cold" is at least partly some sort of overcompensating on my part; the more I get used to the thought of living my life as a guy, the more content and in touch with my feelings I, well, feel. You carry her around protectively although some rashes on her face are a little off-putting. Although rashes have mostly physical causes, they can be made worse by psychological stresses. You could ask your mother if perhaps you had such rashes at this age. If so, this could be a marker about how sensitive a child overall you might have been even at that time. The underlying meaning of the image could therefore be that such “sensitivities” still occur often and are unconsciously “disconcerting” to you, perhaps especially when dealing with others. This is also very helpful since I felt stuck on that particular detail and couldn't make sense of it. The idea could be that she doesn’t want to “merge with you”, as it were, as a male, but wants to remain “separate” and “conscious” as an “other”, possibly representing an innate part of yourself that is the so-called “feminine” aspect of a person that is able to relate confidently and well with others. And this. It makes me think a little about Jung's theories about anima and animus which I recently read about. Panic and confusion ensue which could mean that a basic failure to allow something “feminine” to co-exist with your new, stronger masculine gender identity might cause a certain “disorientation” and “lack of direction” towards reaching an overall sense of wholeness and contentment in the years ahead. (...) The phrase "how the hell do you lose yourself?" seems to be the dream’s way of emphasizing that of course, you shouldn’t lose this crucial part of your personality. Certainly, it has been a confusing time with much desorientation. Now that I think deeper about this aspect, I realize that I have in a sense thought about this as if it would disregard my entire past, which it obviously won't since everything that has happened in my life has lead me to this point, and also future plans and possibilities. I think this might be a crucial point in the dream: I'm making a change, but not a complete 180 - I'm starting a new chapter in my life, not an entirely new book. The idea of suddenly shifting to the woods as a hermit could also point to this - I subconsciously approach this as if I'll suddenly cut off from everything I have been, which I, again obviously, isn't, just continuing down the road in a vehicle better suited for my needs if I may make another silly metaphor. The point being I'm not throwing anything away but simply continuing the life I'm leading but in a better way. Doing so, and adhering strictly to a certain kind of “masculine” intellectual stance as symbolized by the university, apparently isn’t the best way to go from the dream’s point of view. For example, the scene about the election of a university president perhaps shows the danger that you might fall prey to a kind of strident, 180⁰ turn in your personality as does the woman who’s running. The idea might be that doing so “wouldn’t be the real you”, and that conscious work at expressing your true feelings and values would be best over time. This makes sense. I actually had a dream last night in which I saw myself in one of my coats. I can't remember the dream in its entirety but what I remember getting from it was that it's fine to be feminine as a man. I've joked about having a "macho-complex" before but I seriously think I did, as if the idea was that if I have to be seen as a woman, at least I've got to be a sort of masculine one. I absolutely think I can start letting that facade go as a guy because I know inside I am not a so called macho-man. And you're right about rejecting femininity, which I also think might be easier over time. Same for the idea of "womanhood", which I now understand both why I've felt alienated by it before, and that I don't have to feel alienated because it doesn't apply to me anyway. Similarly, the next scene where you eventually kick the man in the crotch could mean that you won’t gain any “respect” in the end for who you really are without gaining some control over being able to assertively stand up for yourself as opposed to perhaps being too “aggressive”. Going through my dream diary I've noticed that I, in dreams, tend to react strongly, often with violence, whenever I feel I'm wrongly treated, which is as I've mentioned far from how I am in reality. Perhaps I should strive for a balance between being meek and violent/aggressive? “Right” and “in front” in dreams usually relate to the outer world and interacting with it (as opposed to “left” and “behind” which are mostly linked to dealing with inner parts of oneself). Unlike yourself at that age, she has apparently related very well with the other children in the room, becoming happy and relaxed. This might point to the idea that a part of you that was left behind long ago because of some very difficult issues now needs to be supported and nourished as an independent, “feminine” part of yourself as connected with relating to others as a whole (e.g. you walk away hand in hand). Oh, wow. That got to me. I think this points to both, as you said, the feminine part and the past and the present being connected and walking together towards the future. As opposed to carrying the feminine part/the past around, constraining both it and my entire self. Yes. This feels profound. =) This got a bit longer than intended as I did a lot of thinking while writing, but again, thank you for your input, I feel like I have a clearer grasp of it now.

[Athanor]

I’m glad that the interpretation was helpful in stimulating some thoughts and insights which seem to hit home. This can be a good sign that certain ideas in it are close to your actual situation. So it might even be a good idea to print out the dream in order to protect it from site and computer crashes etc. in order that you can come back to it in the years ahead when it might provide even more insights and understanding. The approach to your dream was essentially Jungian, and in case you haven’t come across them, some reliable books on dream interpretation include “Inner Work” by analyst Robert Johnson, and “Jungian Dream Interpretation” by Dr. James Hall. “Man and his Symbols”, edited by Carl Jung, was directed to the general public, and the first chapter was the last thing that Carl Jung ever wrote. His chapter looks at approaching the unconscious, dreams and symbols in a very engaging and practical way which you might find helpful. And being assertive is in effect the balance between being meek and violent/aggressive, so you might like a couple of time-tested and reliable books “Your Perfect Right: Assertiveness and Equality in Your Life and Relationships / Edition 9” by Robert Alberti and Michael Eammons, and “Asserting Yourself” by Sharon and Gordon Bower. These are available on such websites as Barnes & Noble and Amazon for example. Anyway, I hope that these additional ideas can be helpful in some way, and please don’t hesitate to ask any other questions that might come to mind.

[Simax]

Ah yes, that's right. I did save it in a document but I should definitely get it out in physical form as well, it could very well be interesting to look back on later. I see! I recently read a book with introductions on different dream interpretation methods, and the Jungian perspective was pretty interesting, so getting a further grasp of that would be nice, so thanks for the book tips on both that and on assertiveness, they might very well be worth a read.