Thread: A trip through the dream journal of a psycho...

As I sat bored in search of a new timesink, it occured to me that it might be a good idea to abolish any doubts as to my lack of sanity. To that effect, I thought I would post some excerpts from my dream journal. Those of you who have been around awhile may remember my random entryhttp://www.dreamviews.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=49 from back in the day. But be not fooled, for there is more to my disturbed mental state than dreams of homemade atomic bombs and super intelligent trees! So as the FLCL OST chips away at my remaining cognitive abilities, I shall hammer out some of the more colorful stories of that strange universe that exists between my ears for a fleeting few hours every night. It's going to be a long one, so you might want to grab some popcorn. And don't worry, that pain in your head is just your tortured brain trying to escape through your ears...

Chapter 1: The spice wars
Ahh, what a beautiful day on campus it is! Bright and sunny, not a cloud in the sky, and a gentle breeze. I feel so good I think I could walk on water... In fact, I will! So there! I wander... Suddenly, "KYAAAAAAH!!", the scream of a damsel in distress!! I must find out what's wrong! I dash in the direction of the noise. What do I find? 4 big tuffguys harassing a poor schoolgirl! Oh what tragedy! I shan't allow it! Justice must prevail, and I shall be its instrument!! Have at thee, foul criminals! I attack! My blazing fists of glory are a monument to the martial arts! Feel the ferocity of my kicks; marvel at the speed of my technique!! Ermm... Nothing... No effect? WHAAAA? I'm a champion of justice! I can't be defeated!!! I grab the arm of one of the hooligans and attempt to break it... WTF?! This guy's like gumby! His arm just bends!!! I dash back, narrowly escaping his reprisal... Fine! If brute force doesn't work, I shall use my cunning magic skills! Take this!! Flame arrow! Freeze blast!!! Legoman crush!! Hah! How do you like that? My magic is impressive, no? Erm... NO EFFECT?!?! WHAT? HOW CAN THEY RESIST EVEN MY LEGOMAN CRUSH?! Fine!!! Let's see you resist this one... Tasogare yori mo kurakimono, chi no nagare yori akakimono.... I cast the long spell, culminating in the most powerful of all magic attacks, the dreaded DRAGON SLAVE! HAH! Who says you can't learn anything from watching anime? WWWWWWWWAH? HOW CAN YOU RESIST MY MOST POWERFUL MAGIC ATTACK?! Things are looking grim... I can't lose in front of the very schoolgirl I'm attempting to rescue! My coolness and title as champion of justice are on the line! The hooligans advance upon me, with wicked grins at the thought of their impending victory... I'm not down yet, I know what your weakness must be! I use the last of my mana and begun to cast a spell of summoning... TAKE THIS!!! MAGIC SPICY BURRITO!!! A burrito magically appears in one of the hooligans' mouths. It's quite spicy, as evidenced by his red face and quickly weakening demeanor... YATTA! I've done it! I SHALL SHOW YOU DIVINE RETRIBUTION!! I continue summoning super spicy foods in the mouths of the attackers... HABANERO MARGARITA! JALAPENO ENCHILADA!! DAVE'S INSANITY SAUCE CHALUPA!!! One after another, the hooligans fall... Justice is victorious, and once again I have saved the day, not to mention the schoolgirl... ^_^

Chapter 2: Operation Bitchslap, Bravo company
I'm in the dark confines of the briefing room... An aged, cigar smoking general passes me a packet containing the details of my mission. I must find a magic hot spring. Aiding me in this quest is my partner, Kimiko, a random anime chick from some backwater town in north western Japan. I find her Osaka accent quite sexy. Her knowledge of the drop zone, somewhere in central Japan, will be quite useful. Also accompanying us is Johnny Bravo... yes, the moronic cartoon guy... Why? Who the hell knows, after all, I never said this mission made sense in the first place... We make our way to the drop zone in a high altitude troop carrier, probably a C7 Galaxy or something... Searching for the spring, I ask the locals... Our japanese exchanges come with English subtitles! How convenient! That way anyone observing my dream won't be lost in the conversation... I read some of the subtitles, and notice that they aren't very good translations...God, who translated this dream? They need a swift kick to the nuts! Anyway, I come across an elder village woman who knows the legend of the spring... We must go to a large apartment building and follow the drains from the top floor, dropping deeper and deeper through people's bathrooms, until we find a little girl, who knows the exact secret of unlocking the spring's power. We're on top of a high rise building. Kimiko and I are decked out in full counterstrike elite special forces urban assault gear. Johnny Bravo is asking about lunch... What a moron... We take the plunge, dropping through a bathtub drain... We're in the next bathroom, we go deeper, deeper... Suddenly we come to a little girl's room... It's the girl the old village woman spoke of... I'm surprised to find she's American... I ask her about the spring, she begins to tell me its secret, when suddenly her father shouts from the living room... I quickly remember a blurb about him in the briefing packet... Turns out he's a BADASS SPECIAL FORCES MARINE GUY that will hand me my ASS GIFTWRAPPED if he catches me talking to his daughter... I try not to take it personally, of course he'll do it to anyone talking to his daughter, even Kimiko. The worst part is he's on his way to the room to find out about the commotion he just heard... Kimiko and I remember our special skill -- we can turn completely invisible for a few minutes if we hold still. Kimiko and I fade out of view in the dimly lit room... Phew we're saved... "Hey pops what's up?" WTF?!?! JOHNNY YOU MORON! YOU BLEW OUR COVER!!! HTF can that idiot just walk up to Sgt. Badass? UGH HE'S GONNA GET KILLED! "Hey Johnny! How's it hangin man?" Say who what now?!?! Turns out the marine and Johnny are both quite moronic, and get along just fine... OK WHATEVER, JUST GET HIM OUT OF THE ROOM JOHNNY, WE'RE GOING TO FADE INTO VIEW SOON! Oh no, it's too late... I fade into view... I remain motionless, perhaps in the vain hope of being able to turn invisible again, but more likely just petrified with fear... "Hrmm? What's this?" I feel Sgt. Badass's piercing stare... I'm boned... "DADDY DADDY! THANK YOU SO MUCH!" The little girl chimes in... What's she up to? "Ermm, for what sweety?" Her dad is puzzled... "YOU GOT ME JUST WHAT I WANTED! A LIFESIZED G.I. JOE ACTION FIGURE!!"... "Uhh, ermm, yeah, well uhh, anything for my little angel!"... Swish! Score one little girl! It's a good thing her dad is a complete moron; he buys the story. But I'm not out of the woods yet... I sense he's not quite convinced, as he comes closer to examine me... "Look daddy! He even has voice action!!" The little girl pokes me... "STOP COBRA! I WON'T LET YOU DESTROY THE WORLD!!"... My God that was some cheezy dialog... But I don't care, if it will save me my ass... Sgt. Badass still seems unconvinced... She pokes me again... "YOOOOOOOOOO JOE!!!!!"... I swear if Kimiko tells ANYONE in my unit about this... "Hrmmm... That's a pretty neat toy there sweetheart... But what was all that noise earlier?"... "Uhmm, I was just playing war with my action figure! I'm sorry if I was too loud." ... "Oh not at all sweet heart!! I used to play with G.I. Joes when I was a little boy... Here, I'll play war with you too!"... I don't like where this is going... Sgt. Badass grabs the G.I. Joe action figure, namely me, and starts "playing" war with me, slamming me around the room, hitting me with other toys, making gun sounds... He slams me down... Ouch! The comic irony is not lost on me as I fade into the waking world...

Chapter 3A: Zombies are people too
So anyway, I'm walking around in the store, when suddenly ZOMBIES INVADE!!! They immediately take everyone in the store hostage, and declare themselves as the superior species. Superior my ass! Their blistered red faces are the most hideous things I've ever seen! They immediately declare that we are their food source, and flaunt their immunity to all attacks, physical and magical. Hah! I haven't met the zombie I can't whip, and frankly, I loathe the undead. I shall show you the errors of your ways! I will engineer a VIRUS to take you all out! What do you say to THAT? The zombies laugh, and verbally accost me. "Foolish human! We cannot be stopped! Surrender!" Never!! I will find out how to beat you zombie scum no matter what it takes!!! I wander around the store, looking at the frightened faces of the hostages. Suddenly it hits me, these zombies aren't really zombies at all; they're merely regular humans with REALLY CHAPPED SKIN!! Hah! I know your weakness at last! Take this!!! SUPER CHAPSTICK ATTACK!!!!!! The zombies are defeated. Who's superior now, biaatch?

Chapter 3B: Of Mutants and Men
With the zombies subdued, things continue...As it would turn out, I live in this store, a supermarket... It's not so bad really, quite a big place, and I'm not alone; I live with mutants, of the X-men variety. I even know Storm and Shadowcat! Is that cool or what? But I'm not a mutant, oh no! I'm a DRAGON! Ayup... Pretty cool huh? I vaguely realize the fact that this is a dream world, and attempt to read a magazine... I can follow it OK... Interesting article here... Some baseball card prices here... Text looks a little weird in some places, but at least it doesn't change... I hear a strange noise, sort of a giddy giggle of sorts... Apparently I wasn't the only one... A couple of the mutants living in the store with me show up... We're all standing around listening to the noises... It quickly becomes obvious that someone is making out on the other side of the aisle... The mutants and I chat it up, gossiping like little schoolgirls... Suddenly Storm shows up and wants to know what all the commotion is about... She hears the noises, and puts 2 and 2 together... We're quickly admonished for listening in on a private moment, especially me, the dragon, who should know better... Blah! Silly humans... I'll be around eons after Storm's bones go to dust... I don't need any lectures! Things sound like they're heating up on the other side of the aisle, and the gossip continues. Determined to allow the couple some privacy, Storm summons a whirlwind on us all, making it too noisy to hear anything... Bah! Screw that! I'm a dragon! I transform from my human form into my natural dragon form and fly above the whirlwind... Haha! Gotcha, Storm... I look down into the aisle, I can't resist dropping in to see who's getting to 2nd base... I land, and there I see admist the pile of softest toilet paper, none other than Shadowcat and Cyclops, sitting together, hand in hand, gazing into each other's eyes... "Awww, a Kodak moment!" They both jump 50 feet, none too thrilled about my comment... Shadowcat storms out of the aisle crying, and Cyclops runs off... Oops, perhaps I've gone too far... I guess I'd better go reconcile with Kitty... I return to my human form and run off to find her... She meets me, noticably frantic... I apologize, and give her a hug for screwing things up... I find out why she's so upset, apparently she was cheating on her real boyfriend with Cyke... Damn! I'm suddenly caught in a love triangle... Damn humans!! I promise Kitty I won't tell her boyfriend of the passionate encounter with Cyke, and leave the store to go pick up some supplies... How ironic is that? On the way back, I'm met by a none-too-nice looking group... "DIRTY MUTANT!!!" Mutant? Me? *sigh* I'm a DRAGON, not a mutant... I'm quite keen to point out the difference to these punks... I give them the benefit of the doubt, after all, dragons aren't too common, I can see how they might mistake me for a mutant... Even in our human forms we can do some pretty miraculous stuff... I continue to attempt to point out the difference between dragons and mutants, as being confused as a mutant is one of my pet peeves... Unfortunately these dumbasses don't seem too interested in listening to reason. I guess I have no choice! Fine! You asked for it! I transform into my natural dragon form, and tower over the puny humans at a height of 22 feet... They're frozen with fear, and I blow them away with a quick gust of my wings... *WOOSH!* I return home with the goods and tell the others of my encounter... A few days later I'm walking with Kitty and Storm, when the same group shows up again, quite angry, but this time they seem to have a ringer... A man stands with them. I immediately realize that he is a dragon, but there's something odd about him that I can't quite finger... He challenges me, and transforms into his dragon form, strangely enough, there's someone else with the group, a talking meowth, ala pokemon! What could a meowth be doing with this group? Why, coaching the dragon of course! It seems this dragon is quite well versed in pokemon style moves... Kitty reminds me that if that dragon can do pokemon moves, then so can I, no sweat... I stand on the edge of a cliff, facing down my challenger... We agree that all use of magic in this fight will be forbidden... It will be a contest of pure dragon strength... He attacks! I dodge, and fly up in the air... I want to end this fight as quickly as possible, with no injuries. After all, dragons are quite strong, and we could really hurt one another or even the spectators if things got out of hand... I immediately formulate a plan, my flawless strategy... While I'm in the air, I quickly begin spinning, and dive for the ground, tunneling underneath and out the edge of the cliff... The other dragon follows, attempting the same move, but alas! He's unsuccessful, and begins to fall off the cliff... It quickly becomes apparent what the oddity was that I sensed in the other dragon before... He, is a SHE!! It's a female dragon!! It's not too uncommon... Female dragons sometimes go as men in their human forms, and male dragons sometimes go as females... She's spiraling out of control... Quick reaction!! I fly down and grab her. After all, dragons are rare, and I'd hate to see one of the few remaining specimens of our race meet an untimely demise. Besides, she's pretty cute!! ^_^ We sit and chat, she seems somewhat upset with me for my tactics... "Why'd you do that?!? You knew EXACTLY what I'd do and you pushed it to the limit... That's dangerous!" And so I meet my future wife...
It's some many months, maybe years later, and guess what? We have a child! That's right, our own little hatchling baby dragon... What proud parents we are! Things are different these days, the wife and I raise dinosaurs in the back of the store (Hey! I said it was a BIG place, didn't I?). A big fat balding Texan dinosaur rancher walks into the store one day, cowboy hat and all... He tells us he's looking for a few new exotic strains of dinosaurs, and browses our stock... "Wow! How much do you want for that one? I've never seen that species before!" My wife and I are horrified! THAT'S OUR CHILD YOU DOLT!!! HE'S NOT FOR SALE!!! The rancher doesn't see the resemblance, as my wife and I are in human form... He apologizes, and I calm my wife's anger... After all, it was an honest mistake, the baby was in his natural form... Why you ask? Well it's not that baby dragons can't turn into humans, we all have that ability intrinsically. It's just that baby dragons prefer to be in their natural form, much the same way human babies prefer to run around naked... The texan, seeming slightly disappointed that he wasn't getting a new species of dinosaur, asks for a dozen specimens of a relatively common species. We round them up and he takes them away... Sometime later we get a distressed call from him. He calls to warn us of a new virus going around in dinosaurs. His entire broodstock was wiped out in less than a week! Wow! That's crazy! And to top it off there's speculation the virus could jump into dragons!! This is certainly a disturbing turn of events... But one that will have to wait for the morning, it's late... And we all go to bed... Suddenly I'm awakened by one of the mutants living with us, it seems there's a strange noise outside the store... I hear it, and begin to rush towards the front doors... "What on EARTH is that?" Kitty asks as others' shiver at the strange wailing sound... I know exactly what it is... It's a dragon, and I know that wail means trouble; it's the dragon's distress call... I immediately put on my slippers and unlock the front door, in the misty parking lot I see a figure emerge from the darkness... He's obviously distressed, and raises his hand and begins to draw a symbol in the air with magical light... I do the same... We exchange our unique greeting symbols, kind of like a dragon business card... His trembling hands are barely able to draw his symbol... Dragon ettique aside, I ask him what all the hullabaloo is about, waking everyone up with that call like the world is coming to an end... "My wife is sick... I think she has the virus..." His words are stuttered and stressed... He's come to me for help, but I worry about what assistance I may provide... Unfortunately I don't worry for long as I am pulled into the all too real world as the dream suddenly ends.

I guess that's enough for now! Stay tuned for Chapter 4: Meet the family, Chapter 5: Restored glory, and Chapter 6: The World Hacker...