Marriage? Think again.

[Patrick]

In my opinion, Marriage causes more trouble than it's worth. There are benefits, admittedly, but to me they can't compare with the downsides of marriage. Humans have not been made (by nature) to stick with one partner for their entire lives. Indeed, we stick by partners for a long time whilst feeling only for them and no one else, but in a lot of cases, this does not last. It is our nature to find other partners. In this way, marriage is an unnescessary restraint. An enormous number of marriages end in divorce. Is this not proof enough, that we are not meant to be with just one person? You may argue that we are destined to be with one person for our entire lives, the right one for us, but is it worth taking the risk and marrying, only to find later on that this person really isn't the one for you after all? Why do we need to proclaim our love for someone in a binding legal contract, when we know the chances of prolongued success are so low? Why can we not be happy being in love with someone, and believing that they are the one, without having to marry? Surely we can understand that eventually, you may become tired of this person, no matter how much you love them now, and you will want to leave them. A marriage makes this so much more difficult. Some people say that a marriage provides stability within a family. Indeed, it does, but does it make you love that person more? In my opinion, I don't think so. You still loose your affection for your partner, but now there's a complicated legal process ahead of you, and not to mention the children to think of (if you have them). So in that way, marriage only keeps couples together by restraining them, by deterring them, from breaking up. What is the point of this? Self imprisonment? Surely a better influence on your children would to be in a non-married relationship. You are still very much committed to each other, but are free (if the time comes) to leave eachother. Is this kind of love not better than the imprisoning love that marriage provides? Surely children should learn that love is not something to trap you, something that you have to maintain no matter what. They should learn it is free, and comes and goes, and should learn that love is a large reason for changes in life. A child may be distraught over their non-married parents splitting up, but the child has a better view of life. A life where love is free and exists in its raw, natural form, and not as humans twisted it to be something it shouldn't. There are, however, financial benefits that come with marriage. I personally don't agree that this is worth the risk, though. Christians of course marry because of their faith. That is fine; I'm not one to interfere with religion. But many, many non-religious people marry, or marry for non-religious reasons. This I don't agree with. To conclude, I feel that marriage is simply a denial of the fact of human nature (as supported by the large percentage of failed marriages). It is also a lack of reason. Why go through so much trouble to forge a facade that you know will probably not last? That you know the loss of the will probably damage your children more than if you were in a non-married yet still committed relationship? It doesn't make sense. I'd like to hear your opinions, and I'd like to apologize if I've offended anyone. I am very much open to criticism and counter-arguments. Please don't think I am dogmatic in my views. Thanks.

[Spartiate]

If one doubts marriage, don`t get married. No one`s forcing you.

[Patrick]

If one doubts marriage, don`t get married. No one`s forcing you. I understand that, and I'm not going to. That's not the point of my topic, though. I'm trying to outline my reasoning, see if anyone feels the same way, and start an intellectual debate. Hopefully.

[Carôusoul]

The jury's out. Give it an hour or so.

[thegnome54]

My parents have been married for something like 17 or 18 years now, and they still love each other very much. They hold hands all the time, cuddle while watching T.V., etc. I know that I will never stop loving my parents, so why should it be impossible for them to love each other until they die as well? I'm not touching upon marriage just yet, I'm just questioning your assertion that love 'comes and goes', and 'will eventually wear out'.

[Carôusoul]

I know that I will never stop loving my parents, so why should it be impossible for them to love each other until they die as well? . Isn't this a more stable kind of love you feel? I mean.. the parent-child love is kinda different to the partner love, and far more secure, hm? What do you think..? ~

[Universal Mind]

In my opinion, Marriage causes more trouble than it's worth. There are benefits, admittedly, but to me they can't compare with the downsides of marriage. I agree with your post, for the most part. However, I think there is one good function that marriage does serve. It puts a stronger hold on fathers and gives them much more pressure and obligation to stick around to raise their kids. I am not religious, but I am a very big believer in the law of nature that kids generally turn out much more disciplined and well behaved when their fathers help raise them. If marriage increases the likelihood of that, then marriage serves a good purpose for situations where the father would otherwise be long gone. There are of course exceptions. Some people turn out very healthy and stable when their fathers were not heavily involved in their upbringings, and some people turn out to be evil and miserable when they lived with both parents all through the growing up years. Marriage also gives the kids an extra amount of perception of everybody being a family together, which I think creates a great amount of security. It is incredibly devastating to kids when their parents split up, and marriage makes it much more difficult and embarrassing for a couple to break up than otherwise. In those ways, marriage is a good thing. There is of course the exception in which one (or both) of the parents is such a psycho that the couple cannot possibly live together without making things extra miserable for the kids. But outside of that, I think marriage is INSANE. I don't get it at all.

[Moonbeam]

There are, however, financial benefits that come with marriage. I personally don't agree that this is worth the risk, though. There are also financial risks. It's sort of a toss up, but overall I think it is more minus than plus. I'm not sure why anyone would want to invite the law and the government into their lives by signing a contract like that. Besides, it's not fair to people who want to get married and can't, so I'm boycotting it in principle til everyone can marry the person of their choice. Edit: I thought of something else. When people get married, they realize that the other person is stuck with them unless they go thru the expense and hassle of getting divorced. Therefore they feel free to act any way that they want to. On the other hand, if both parties know the other one can easily walk away at any time, people tend to act a little better. So if you want to stay with someone for the right reasons, and not just because you are legally obligated to, it's better not to get married.

[Patrick]

Some great responses, and I'm glad that at least some people see my point. One thing that I didn't seem to make clear is that, I'm not saying that all marriages will eventually fail, but a lot of them do. It is possible to love someone indefinitely, but rare (in my opinion). In response to what Mes said about making the right choice; so many people think they've made the right choice but then it turns out that they've made a mistake. Life isn't a game where you have to marry the person who is perfect for you before you die. What's wrong with sticking with someone in a non-married relationship and being content in the fact that you think they're right for you at the moment?

[vivedream]

What's wrong with sticking with someone in a non-married relationship and being content in the fact that you think they're right for you at the moment? Sometimes there is more than just living for the now kid and not looking for anything deep and long term. While you are young, I think it is important you get to know yourself first, have fun in life, and don't make rush decisions, marriage is not an impulsive thing. Well, it seems in America it is an impulsive thing, just like divorce is too, but it really shouldn’t be for it work and be meaningful. Before husband and I married we were together for many years starting at age 18 for me, just enjoying being with each other, living life, taking trips, going to college, and having a blast - together. Best friends, no break-ups. We decided to get married and that took some planning but it wasn't a decision we made lightly due to the nature of it. We haven't regretted it at all, it brought us even closer. We had good examples before us of a good marriage, not one that is done just because that is what you do, my parents are very happily married and still love spending time together, as well as one set of my grandparents, and his parents and both sets of grandparents are also all happily married. To the marriage haters - there are some things to hate about American marriage since there are so many different types of people that marry for all the wrong reasons (a TON of bad reasons I could insert here, picking abusive partners, etc.) or don't have enough maturity (not talking about just age, maturity is more than just a simple number) to get into such a commitment. And if you are legally married there are benefits that you may or may not realize. I believe this one of the reasons why so many people want to get legally married that are not allowed to do so are upset. I also think those with the strongest negatives about marriages where they get the chance to pick out their own husband/wife have never seen a truly good one, and never felt that true deep love, that bond that is stronger than anything you could ever imagine and had the same feelings reciprocated back to them. Real love, not petty insecure judgmental unsure crap. From watching those around me during my lifetime I have to say I think this love is pretty rare, I rarely have seen this type of love between couples but it is gorgeous and touching to the soul to see when it is there. It has been proven married men live longer than unmarried men. This is for many reasons. One professor said they tend to engage in less risky behavior as a whole. And for those that say it isn’t natural... Actually, everyone is different. You can’t say it isn’t “natural” for everyone, you can only say for only you at this specific time in your life. That is one of the things about humans that separates us from other animals, we aren’t just ruled by any wild whim that strikes us at the moment, we tend to have higher intellect and reason/think ahead. But there are even some animals in the wild mate for life. I think a lot of people marry for the wrong reasons, including pretty much everyone I know. Out of all my friends I can't say I think they should have married their significant other. I predict divorce for pretty much all of them and it leaves me wondering why the hell did they get married in the first place if they were already having so many issues? Did they really think they would all be solved if they got married...it is like those people who think having a child, or two, or three, or five, will magically solve all problems between the couple...sigh...

[Patrick]

vivedream - I'm happy for you and your successful marriage - really. It's great when it works. And I'm not a marriage hater - I just don't like the idea at the moment, although I'm open to change. Thanks for raising some interesting points.

[Placebo]

Vivedream: Exactly. Marriage is often what you make of it. If you go into it stupidly, then it's bound to fail. Not that good marriages never go wrong, but most of the time it's a bad marriage going bad. BTW, my parents had me as an attempt to keep their marriage intact. Didn't work. Case in point.

[NonDualistic]

I have been married, divorced and married again. The first one lasted not quite two years. The one now is in its 18th year. Will it last? I really dont know, it could , but there are and have been long term issues so I wouldnt bet on it at this point. Based on my experience, there is nothing wrong with marriage itself, but rather with the people going into such. My observation of both myself and the spouses in each of my marrriages is that to have a strong and lasting marriage the following general points should be given consideration: 1) There must be an all around high level of intimacy. Both persons must not only intimately know each other but most importantly intimately know and be in touch with themselves in the same way. ( and sex has nothing to do with what I am getting at. Its a heightened deep seated awareness I am getting at. 2) Each individual must be at peace with themselves. If you are not at peace with yourself, its not likely you will be able to be at peace with another in a marriage setting. 3)Each individual needs to be independant, independant in the way of not depending on the other for psycholigical or emotional stability. Rather than having a spouse for a support, one has a spouse to simply share and enjoy life with. There are other more specific points I could add, but these are the main general ones to observe.

[Mes Tarrant]

Rather than having a spouse for a support, one has a spouse to simply share and enjoy life with. That's a good one. Marriage counselors will tell you the same thing. On a more fundamental level, I also just really like the idea of having that ritual to symbolize my eternal commitment to the person.

[Merlock]

The modern idea of marriage disturbs me... It seems to consist of two main parts: The eternal bond/commitment/etc. -- either religious or just intimate. The financial technicalities -- disgusting. First: If the eternal bond is a religious ritual, then I suppose that's alright. I don't force anyone out of their beliefs. But if it isn't, what point is there in having a ritual to show such love, when it's already there? And second: The financial technicalities...now this is the part that just disgusts me. People think about what they will do if they ever split up and write up documents related to that and their wealth in such a situation. What kind of hipocrisy is that? If two people are in love, why in their right minds would they think even for a moment that they might split up? Moving on through the dark depths of this part: even with the above put aside, what "financial" technicalities could there be? We marvel at the fairer half for their kindness, care, beauty and so many other things and any man that professes to love a woman has only one option: all that is his is hers, always. He is to help her with anything and everything, care for her and give her all the treasures of the world. So, aye...thinking about splitting up while joining into an eternal bond? Paradox much?

[skysaw]

And second: The financial technicalities...now this is the part that just disgusts me. People think about what they will do if they ever split up and write up documents related to that and their wealth in such a situation. What kind of hipocrisy is that? I used to feel this way as well, but I've come around on the pre-nup thing. My wife and I had no interest in one, but I can see where it might not necessarily be a bad thing. If two people are in love, why in their right minds would they think even for a moment that they might split up? Compare the idea to buying fire insurance for your home. Who would ever imagine their house will catch fire? But who isn't happy they have the insurance if it does? No matter how sure you are of your partner, something could happen. If I had a large number of assets and was marrying a poor woman, I would ask for a pre-nup. Sure, it's not romantic, but if she refuses to sign, it does suggest she might be in it for the money.

[NonDualistic]

That's a good one. Marriage counselors will tell you the same thing. On a more fundamental level, I also just really like the idea of having that ritual to symbolize my eternal commitment to the person. I too, share the sentimental meaning or symbology. The thing I dont care much for is the social, political, and ecomnomic associations and attachments society has placed on "marriage". Such is an unnecesary intrusion into the very special tie between two people. That said, without the economic associations( health insurance), my wife now would not have likely married me. She has always been and still is down down marriage. She grew up with an alcoholic father and a mother that both physically and verbally beat him up all the time in front of all the kids, so I understand why. Still it would have been nice to have been able to share that "specialness" of the ceremony with her rather than having been a "if I have to" sort of arrangement.

[Namaste]

Hmm, well I have a few years of experience of marriage so far and I'm loving it. I am not very old but I was brought up with more traditional views and positive feelings towards marriage. My parents marriage was always so great as a kid so I always had positive feelings about it. I married a girl from an asian country where their views about marriage are more traditional like my own. A lot of the women in the UK are turning into men (ladette's) and are smoking and boozing themselves to death and are often very rude, shallow and self-serving, although I am sure there are some very nice exceptions. I don't see why love can't last for a life time in marriage. My grandparents are approaching their 60th wedding anniversary and are very much in love, they haven't really left their local town for the last 30 years and seldom their house but they don't seem to have bored of each other. I think it comes down to finding the right person. If you do the love will grow over time and not diminish, I find my wife more fascinating each day. I think that one of the secrets to getting along well is to really care for the other person and put their needs and wants first. I like to make my wife happy as it then makes me happy, its a great feeling to see someone you love smiling. I am almost devoid of selfishness so that is easy for me lol - not so easy for others. I also have never had an argument in my life as argument does not feature in my understanding and so everything is just perfect bliss in that sense. I think marriage is great as you have a wonderful companion to share your life with - much better than being alone - single life chasing around after new girlfriends is a drag. It's great when you know someone so well and they know you so well too. I was just thinking this morning how it is possible to have a soul mate if you do find the right person. Financial aspects blah forget that you get married because you love someone not cos of anything financial - well you do if your normal anyways I think that we are designed to be marriageless in an animalistic kind of survival of the species kind of way and everyone in marriages may turn their heads as a pretty girl or handsome guy walks by but it doesn't mean you do anything about natural temptations. If you love a person you will enjoy the experience of being with them in a natural sense and make it very special. I don't think marriage is necessarily a thing you have to do - it really just shows a commitment to the other person. You could be in a relationship and not married and have an equally fantastic love that lasted a life time also and be just as committed to your partner. I imagine that marriage as an idea and practice will probably phase out over the next 50 to 100 years, as it has its roots in religion and that is dying especially here in the UK. So yeah, I can't see any drawbacks myself and good luck to all those out there in relationships and marriages. Tell your loved one today that you love them and do something nice for them today