Self-injury and why

[Zhaylin]

I wasn't sure exactly where to place this. I've often been asked "why" I injure myself. It seems counterproductive, illogical and insane to most people. There are as many different reasons as to why people self-injure as there are people themselves. For me it's always been about 3 basic things: Control, self-discipline, sanity. I couldn't focus in school, so at about 7 years of age I noticed (quite by accident and even then I didn't grasp the reasons entirely) that when I jabbed my nails into my arm or gums the pain got rid of all the jumble in my head and let me concentrate more. I never drew blood (except for my gums and then very little) and I never drew attention to myself. I didn't even really put 2 and 2 together until I was older. When I was about 13 years old I so thoroughly detested how my parents behaved that I vowed I would never be like them (constantly fighting, belittling, verbally/emotionally abusive, gossips) that I then started cutting myself as a way of retraining bad traits. When I would cuss, I would get 1 lash, if I made someone cry I would get 5 and such. They were never more than "cat scratches" and always easily hidden. When I was about 16 I became intimately familiar with rage. I had retrained myself too well and all my emotions stayed pent up ready to explode. Self-injury was the only thing that could clear my head and calm me down. (As in the joke about someone's head hurting so another person stomps on their foot.) I didn't have any proper role models growing up. No one taught me how to cope or deal with things, so I taught myself. It's the only thing that's kept me alive in my darkest hours. And I never told a single soul about my secret. My first husband found out by accident and he threw a major fit. My second husband found out when I finally opened up and he said if he ever found out I was still cutting he would divorce me. That made me quit for awhile, but then I just became better at hiding it. Then, I found my religion and a semblance of peace and I didn't self-injure for over 5 years. Last year changed all that when I was excommunicated (rightly so) from my congregation and then trouble started brewing with my kids. And last year I finally did tell my kids my secret. My 13 year old daughter was going through an extremely emo stage and started cutting herself. After talking to her on the sly and trying other things to deter her, I finally said: "You're just being a drama queen. If you cut yourself where the world can see, you WANT attention." She told me I didn't know anything about what I was talking about and I told her otherwise. It's not something I advertise nor am proud of... but neither am I ashamed of it entirely. The few scars I have, I view almost as trophies of war- I went through something bad and survived. It works because it's fast. The pain releases endorphines (sp) into the body that relieve stress and it's highly addictive because it's instantly gratifying. I could get the same results from exercising, but it's a habit that's hard to unlearn- especially when my mood is in total chaos or I'm too depressed or out of sorts to even breathe let alone walk. Since last year though, I've been getting away from standard cuts and have been giving myself scarification tattoos. One is a butterfly, the other is flames beneath the butterfly. But my doctor has been trying to get me away from it completely and he told me to write instead. On the way home I was seething but wrote... "Creativity is not a source I seek My mood in words I wish not speak I want only now to blunt the pain So I'll seek instead my secret shame. I need to stop the voice within my head That screams my faults and leads to dread That makes me toss and turn upon my bed ... "I'm my own worse enemy," I've often said. I am not driven by anger nor by tears It's not even to silence my so many fears Self-control is the issue that tears me apart ... Perseverance that's killing the life from my heart. A simple cut quickly calms me down When in despair I'm sure to drown Right now I need that stable ground To keep my world from spinning 'round." That's what I thought of his idea lol- but it worked. I was so busy writing that it took my mind off my inner turmoil. Sorry about the essay, but that's the answer to "why". Any other questions- fire away. It's something I now talk about on the internet and with extremely few people. A lot of people think it's an act of suicidal ideation when nothing could be further from the truth. Generally speaking, people who resort to this in secret have learned no other coping skills and want very much to LIVE but to live with peace.

[DeathCell]

Cutting yourself is not good. Sounds like you could use a little psychiatriac help.. no offense. Your doctor is right, it's not healthy nor normal to cause pain on yourself.. Sounds like you need to grab yourself a blunt and calm yourself down...

[Zhaylin]

haha... a blunt would only make matters MUCH worse. Pot always made me feel car sick I see a psychologist every month (sooner if needed) and have for years. He's helped me a great deal, but it still takes time. And when times are their roughest, that's when bad habits rear their ugly little heads the most.

[DeathCell]

haha... a blunt would only make matters MUCH worse. Pot always made me feel car sick I see a psychologist every month (sooner if needed) and have for years. He's helped me a great deal, but it still takes time. And when times are their roughest, that's when bad habits rear their ugly little heads the most. You need to find a better bad habit. Try some meditation, not really a bad habit.. Count yourself down to relaxing, never shed blood for no reason.

[acatalephobic]

You need to find a better bad habit. Try some meditation, not really a bad habit.. Count yourself down to relaxing, never shed blood for no reason. What he said. Believe me I'm not judging you, but you should know that in a lot of cases relying on such things to relax/concentrate/stay sane will only lead to larger problems down the road. This sort of thing has been known to quickly and unexpectedly spiral out of control in the face of extreme stress even in people who would never intend it to. I'm not saying this will happen to you, but better to nip such things in the bud before they have a chance to grow roots. To feel as though you need it overlooks the fact that you are a strong person and can handle stress through will and determination alone--a good focusing point. It may take a while to feel the benefits, but to focus on this will give you a much better capacity to--and confidence that you can--rely on your heart/mind/intellect to deal with things, rather than physical sensations. I'm glad to hear you've begun to move away from it. But, if necessary, a small tip: an everyday way of "stepping down" (without spending all the money on scarification or tats) could involve things like snapping a loose rubberband/elastic bracelet you're wearing, or even just curling your toes. But these are just intermediate measures. Confidence in your own strength (not your threshold of pain) is key. <3

[Zhaylin]

Many thanks for the vote of confidence I did the rubberband snapping when I first broke the habit. It did indeed help a little. I just need to get away from needing instant gratification. And I don't shed blood for "no reason"- I do it sometimes to keep myself from spilling someone elses Like slapping a person having hysterics... BUT, I do need to get away from it again and I will. I've not touched my blade in almost a month even though I want to finish my "tattoo".

[DeathCell]

Many thanks for the vote of confidence I did the rubberband snapping when I first broke the habit. It did indeed help a little. I just need to get away from needing instant gratification. And I don't shed blood for "no reason"- I do it sometimes to keep myself from spilling someone elses Like slapping a person having hysterics... BUT, I do need to get away from it again and I will. I've not touched my blade in almost a month even though I want to finish my "tattoo". No reason meaning, their are many people injured every day and lose enough blood to kill them. Unless your doing some sort of ritual with blood, shedding blood is just.... not healthy. Punch a pillow, kick a trash can..

[acatalephobic]

Anytime. Just know the seriousness is real. There's never a better time for bud-nipping than right this moment.

[TheMoon]

Im the same way. I have cut myself in the past. It was the only way to get rid of the mental pain. Ive been trying to quit pot, im unable to get rid of stress anymore since my head injury. I usually try to get my friends to hit me hard a few times when there around. Exercise and relaxation techniques don't work. Once the stress is there it doesn't leave that easly. The only thing that helps in the slightest to counter act mental stress is pot, or physical pain. Since i've been trying to quit pot, the only thing left is physical pain....

[acatalephobic]

Exercise and relaxation techniques don't work. Once the stress is there it doesn't leave that easly. The only thing that helps in the slightest to counter act mental stress is pot, or physical pain. Since i've been trying to quit pot, the only thing left is physical pain.... Again, not judging. I just wish people wouldn't feel/talk that way. I just want to hug those that do really f'ing hard until they believe otherwise(key), however long it takes...whether they want me to or not. If other techniques don't work, counseling does. It's NOT impossible to quit. Pot either. Both just take time and determination to make it work. P.S. The benefits are worth it.

[Zhaylin]

I know DeathCell, I was just being an ass- mostly TheMoon We can work on it together. Feel free to send me a message any time. Congrats on breaking one bad habit! That's a huge step. **Edit** Counseling only goes so far and then only if you can afford it. Throughout my life it seems to me that people who abuse drugs or alcohol are self-medicating. When you stop using the medicinal effect is lost as well. So it's even more difficult to stop the only thing that "grounds" you. All that said though, I highly recommend counseling. I hated the idea initially and the idea of having to pay someone to "listen to me whine". But he would be a dear friend to me if he wasn't my doctor. I rely on him to counter my bad ideas with productive ones, to listen to me whine without judgment and even to watch me cry if needed (something I don't even do around my husband most of the time). And seeing a counselor (aka pdoc) may help determine if you have any other problems going on that can be addressed. And after you build up a report, he may be able to provide you with free samples of meds if you can't afford them. My husband is a doctor and can afford to buy me medicine, but he HATES psychological meds and I stopped taking meds in the past because it created problems between us, so my pdoc gives me samples when he can and it helps a LOT.

[DeathCell]

See some people look at Pot as a bad habit, I look at it as no more harmful than a cup of tea.

[Amethyst Star]

I'm glad to hear that this is something you're dealing with You don't have to broadcast it to the world but if you're trying to rise above it, it's good to have friends and acquaintences to be there for you to walk beside you. I'm sad to hear that your husband(s?) left you over this. They should have supported you. I don't know all the details and I don't need to know them, but I hope that you find more people who will be there for you. Thank you for sharing with us. I'm only 23 and am finding these behaviors to be more common than I imagined, but at the same time I've grown to know that people who cut/scratch themselves usually aren't crazy psychos, but are rather people who have pain in their lives and are just searching for a way to make it go away. Nobody wants a life filled with pain (psychotic masochists aside). If I have any further questions I'll let you know. I know you're in touch with a councelor and I don't presume to have any training, but I have a few ideas if you don't mind. If you've tried them, feel free to gloss over. Have you considered getting involved in activities that allow you to expend the pent-up emotion? You said that you're not much for exercising (and I have a hard time as well), but if you look around you might find an activity that you might like. Martial arts are a great way to expend energy, focus aggression, and learn a new skill. You have an instructor who can keep an eye on you and if it appears you're becoming too aggressive, he/she can pull you back. Having a punching bag available is another option. Music is another outlet I've used for visualization. I have a number of songs that I listen to when I'm down and just sitting there with my eyes closed allows my emotions to wander rather than being pent up. I've had to be careful the last few years, though, as if I'm depressed and continue to listen to depressing songs, I'll just feel more depressed. (I can't allow myself to listen to Evanesence any more because of that...) A balance of major and minor tunes helps me stay sane I hope you have a marvelous day!

[TheMoon]

Again, not judging. I just wish people wouldn't feel/talk that way. I just want to hug those that do really f'ing hard until they believe otherwise(key), however long it takes...whether they want me to or not. If other techniques don't work, counseling does. It's NOT impossible to quit. Pot either. Both just take time and determination to make it work. P.S. The benefits are worth it. Counseling only works if you can afford to fork out 1000$s a month. I cant afford that, buying 10$ of pot a week and smoking in moderation helps me control my stress fine. But i've recently been trying to quit since you cant get a job if you smoke pot. Since i've stopped smoking, i have no other way to control my stress and i get so angry and aggravated to a point, the only way i know to get rid of the mental stress is by pain. Trading my mental stress for physical stress.

[Zhaylin]

All of my great progress went out the window. I am SEETHING with rage. Court was a friggin joke. I tried to clarify some basic errors and I was gently accused of beating a dead horse, then my kids lawyer starts laying into me about WHY are my kids such manipulators and how I'm so sure they fooled EVERYONE but me and why won't your husband move in with you? And I absolutely lost my cool. I wasn't screaming, but my voice was raised and I know my eyes flashed hot anger. When I get angry, I cry. My voice quivered and I lost a couple of tears but other than that I am proud I kept it together. But when I left I noticed I kept flexing my hand and I was shaking I wanted to punch a wall SO badly. I punched my leg instead once inside my car. To make matters worse my half-sister and her husband were there and my LAWYER was not (he was supenaed (sp!!) for another case) As soon as I started getting upset and voicing my mind, they all of a sudden want to wrap the meeting up because my lawyer wasn't there and what they're hearing "goes along with my psychological profile". This is friggin NOT cool!!! They want me to be "more assertive" and the second I am, I have mental problems. Well, FRACK them!! My blood pressure is now 137/101 with a pulse of 110. I need to take some bp meds and chill but I keep seeing his snide face in my mind and it starts this cycle all over again. I have "self-esteem issues", well is it any fracking wonder when I have to put up with their and everyone elses crap? I was very proud of my sister though. She kept her husband on track and kept him from dredging up stuff that wasn't relavent. But then at the end, she and her hubby pass around some of my daughters poetry which is "a reflection of the crap she's had to go through all these years". TRIPLE Frack him!!!! I know what my daughter writes. I know she's talented and I encourage her to express herself. Not everyone wants to write about ponies and rainbows. And now I'm feeling completely worthless as a friggin human being and extremely anti-social. I'm not even going to stay with my husband tonight (as I normally do on Wednesdays), because frack him too. If I actually had a little help instead of constant discourement I likely wouldn't be here now. everyone. This is the sort of mood self-injury helps. This is a perfect example... when you want to injure someone so badly that you can't even type a complete sentence without having to write it several times for the typos... when your nerves are so tightly wound it feels you can rip out of your skin... when the thoughts just keep looping and there's no relief. If a mod reads this, cuold you please move this thread to Off-Topic? This has turned more into a rant than something constructive and semi-educational. *smask*

[Amethyst Star]

Perhaps moving that post to the "Do you need a hug?" thread? You'd mentioned the court appearance there already so that might be a better spot. We don't mind your rants. I commend you on keeping your anger in check. Even though you're livid, you didn't yell or scream or hit anyone, which is more than a number of people would do in your situation. That's upsetting that your lawyer wasn't there, though! Couldn't you have moved the court date or couldn't he have done something else to help such as provided advice on how to proceed during the hearing? You have a right to be represented, especially if you're paying for his services. Last night I was upset (over something much more petty ) and hit the steering wheel. The airbag light came on right after that. I was not amused. Try to get some good rest tonight.

[Zhaylin]

Thank you... but I slipped back into my old habit and now have the start of a new tattoo But I'll bounce back I can't have an idle brain for even a second or else the chaos takes up residence again, so I've been on an exercising frenzy. It's been an easy 10 years since I did any of my old Kempo and *whew* I should have no problem sleeping later on. Yikes about your steering wheel and airbag light. I hope it went back out?

[Invader]

I can't have an idle brain for even a second or else the chaos takes up residence again, so I've been on an exercising frenzy. It's been an easy 10 years since I did any of my old Kempo and *whew* I should have no problem sleeping later on. A lack of exercise could have had something to do with the problem. If you're familiar with the way a lot of dogs behave when they don't get to go for daily walks, for example, you'll see what I'm getting at. While I was taking a small psychology course two years ago as well, the subject of exercise in relation to brain function was brought up. I don't have the link to the actual journal it was published in, but you can check out this article: http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases...1118071144.htm Consistent exercise is good for the brain. And consider meditation along with that (as was already stated). Learning how to clear your mind on command without the use of pain may do a great deal in strengthening your will power, so to speak.

[Amethyst Star]

Yikes about your steering wheel and airbag light. I hope it went back out? I didn't hit it very hard and it went out eventually It's interesting to see how little actions can trigger unexpected responses.

[Zhaylin]

Glad you didn't have to take your car in to be repaired... that would've been awkward to explain lol Thanks for the link Invader. It was very informative. I'll definitely be exercising even more to see if it does indeed truly help.