I absolutely understand where everyone is coming from. My therapist is a psychiatrist- he gives me my meds and talks me out of the worst of my funks unusally. Even though I'm not scheduled to see him for almost a month, he has made it abundantly clear that his door is always open for me. I just have true issues about barging in on him and I've only done it a couple of times in all my years seeing him.
I also realize that my mood is being made worse because of 1) a recent switch in my medication 2) I am on my period and I have PMDD which the Celexa isn't helping very much yet. Over the last couple of days I have cooled down a little and my plan is on hold.
But I am packing my runaway packs just in case and buying supplies if I come to need them.
I still need/want to buy: 2 tarps, more twine, fishing line, a second sturdy hiking pack, more aluminum, trash bags for catching water and/or a portable device for the same purpose, fish oil to help with my moods when I no longer have meds, excellent quality hiking boots and socks, a new hatchet, large containers of salt, peanut butter and sugar not only for personal use but for baiting traps, something to cover my scent, large ziplocks for holding valuable books (bible and survival/first aid/plant identification guides), muscle rub which I will desperately need the first week, alcohol, a slew of batteries for my voice recorder, a slew of baby wipes for my comfort , toilet paper , sturdy knives, chisles (sp) for recreation, more notebooks for recreation and location marking, a whistle and cellphone time for absolute last resort emergency aides, as much money as I can possibly save. Oh yes- more bullets (I only have 1 1/2 boxes), female hygeine products, beef jerky and dehydrated fruit which I will desperately need my first week.
Some of those things are necessities but most are comfort items.
Things I already have: Sturdy hiking pack, multivitamins, twine, fishing hooks, Saint Johns Wart for mood maintanence, a mirror for emergencies, a firestarter metal tool, a small container of firestarting material that will light even in damp conditions, mushroom and plant identification guides, notebooks, petroleum jelly for use as fire starter and cotton balls, bandaids, knee and foot brace, clothes, pot, skillet, a great jacket, Bible, voice recorder, a reliable gun.
Both my psychiatrist and hubby are aware of my desire to runaway and they have been keeping an eye on me. My children know of my instinct to run away when I have reached my absolute limit which is why I think they'd be most forgiving of this choice over all the others presented. I've never runaway since I had them but they know from my past and from some exasperated comments I have made that it's a possibility. In other words, it wont catch them off guard.
I just want to do what's best for everyone. They are thriving where they're at now. When I get them back, I will stunt the progress they've made. They cannot function when all of them are together. It's constant war. My kids have actually pulled knives on each other in the past. The modular is destroyed, in part, because they've thrown furniture and each other through the doors and walls. Every means of discipline I've tried has not succeeded. When they don't clean, for instance, I take away the belonging left on the floor. When they get the items back, they destroy them and tell me they don't care. When I buy them new clothes, they cut them up or stain them up. When I've spanked them in the past, they laugh at me the whole time. When I've taken them to counseling, they proudly say: "I tell them want they want to hear so I can be done with it."
I have no control and no influence, which makes me honestly consider I am not what is best for them
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