Feeling apprehensive about lucid dreaming

[Saturday7]

I have never lucid dreamed before. I have been interested in it for years and have made multiple attempts to keep dream journals, but have always faltered after a few weeks or so. For the last few months I have been writing in my dream journal maybe 3 - 4 times a week, which is better than nothing for me. I have a problem with willpower. Anyway, I have been reading Stephen LaBerge's book, and it has resinspired to really give it all I've got this time. I have been listening to a lucid dreaming podcast and reading over my old dream journals to try and acquaint myself with that part of my brain again. The issue is, I get to a point where I can feel I'm on the edge... before I even fall asleep. It's like I know it's going to happen, I can just feel it. (I'd be interested to know if anyone else gets this feeling). As I lie there in my bed, instead of feeling the excitement and curiosity I usually do about lucid dreaming, I get... apprehensive. Anxious. It's something to do with the decoupling from reality and the infinitude of possible scenarios my mind can create (what if it's a bad one?) that gets me nervous. That's one part. The other part is I'm afraid of sleep paralysis. I've only had it once in my life and it was terrifying. It sort of happened again last night though, I think I did wake up to sleep paralysis a few times, although they were short and there was no hallucinations. I slepped nervous and restlessly. It seems like when I'm on the verge of slipping into lucidity, I wake myself up into paralysis. I don't want that to happen. It really terrifies me. And there's one more thing... I feel like in (waking) life I am very... reserved. I feel like I have ignored the dark parts of my psyche, mainly from my childhood, and I have done a good job at it. I never truly, truly express myself. I'm in a pretty dark place in my life, in some ways. When I am falling asleep, half conscious, and nervous about sleep paralysis, I get terrible visions. Nightmare visions. Like a creepy monster laughing (haha it sounds innocent but it's one of those things, you gotta be there, ya know?). I think it's my shadow, or neglected feelings coming up... If I just don't think about dreams and browse reddit on my phone until I pass out, this doesn't happen. But I don't want to live like that. If I could just add something else. If I could try and find a metaphor for the feeling I get when I'm about to plunge into lucidity (but as of yet have not) it would be like this: floating in space at the mouth of an enormous black hole. I feel like once I go through it I am going to feel so alive, and understand so much. It's like I can feel the electricity flowing through me. It's like I've been so wrong about so many things and through that door is everything I've been ignorant of, in denial about, afraid of. It's like through that door, there's no more *** around. In life things are what they are. Whatever there is, there is. I feel like that's all about to be proved to me. Absolutely terrifying with a hint of excitement. But really... i'm scared. I'm scared to go to sleep tonight. Thanks for reading if you got this far.

[splodeymissile]

Even if you get a bad experience, its pure fantasy and can't actually harm you. And, you'll inevitably wake up at some point, anyway. Being lucid in what is effectively a nightmare is a good opportunity to assert some control over the situation and make whatever is terrorising you not so scary anymore. What you experience when about to enter the dream is not sleep paralysis. It is simply something your body goes through every night: shutting down all non-essential functions and resting. The only difference is: you're aware of it and you get used to it. Even if you do suffer from genuine sleep paralysis, it is completely unrelated to lucid dreaming and is only as scary as you make it. See it as nothing to be afraid of and you'll have only pleasent visions (if you see anything at all). Also, with the whole reserved thing, I get it. I've been there (and still sort of am. Far more confidant online than in regular life). Lucid dreaming could act as a means for catharsis. Nothing in there is real, so, who cares what you get up to? This is obviously easier said than done, but lucid dreaming could let you express those neglected parts of yourself and directly deal with what you've suppressed. If its particularly bad, seeing a therapist is something you should consider. Also, and I know you don't know me from Adam, but if you want to get something off your chest, feel free to PM me. Finally, ignorance is nothing to be afraid of. The less you know, the more you have to learn and having a true awareness of that only enriches what you do truly know. I say, go through the metaphorical door because regardless of whether you're as bad as you say or far better than anyone could have considered, at least you'll know. And you want to know. You wouldn't be entertaining the thought if you didn't want to improve. By going through that door you'll be able correct and learn from your mistakes, but, perhaps more importantly, you can properly enjoy your successes. I hope this is helpful. Its the mindset that helped me recover, at any rate. Good luck to you and keep going.

[DreamyBear]

You sound very aware of your self already, no wounder that you start to get nervous, change have often a tendency to do that with us.. Strenght is to be ours when we know where and why to direct it. Creativity can take any direction, so we better aim at our highest self from the begining. Figuring that out is exercising of free will.

[DeDromer]

I had something like 4-5 sleep paralyses and they were definitely not terrifying. No demons (I was not expecting them to appear). Acoustic hallucinations yes, but nothing scary. I could think clearly "hey this is a sleep paralysis. If I just wait patiently I will wake up completely". Relax