Thank you!
I am convinced, that what I am now experiencing is a "end game". The end and agony of being 25 years pothead (not totally constantly, because life sometimes placed me in weedfree situations).
I think the great problem is when peoples put their happiness and success in the future. I will be sober, I will be happy...I AM. I am clean, and I am happy, without straining and without being theatrical and trying to trick myself. The only reality is the momentum. If I mean it seriously, that I am clean, than my addiction looks crazy, because that is not me.
Back to the momentum. After long-long years interested in mystic things. No direct occultism, no direct religion, no todays spiritual-esoteric dung. Think more something like methaphysical phylosophie, and syncretism. All that thousands of pages of bla-bla-bla condenses to one essence: I am, here and now. The momentum. And it is a wall. From here you are leaving the objective world, and enter a world, from where you cant take your experiences to the laboratory, and you can not share that with the other people (just with indirect paraphrase). If I say, that the aware momentum is the door to the path that is leading to God (oneness, happiness, Nirvana, waking, reality...choose one), it is not a metaphore. Where I am is not a question of my body. If I am sitting in the bus station, and in my head I am in my enemies house to do a juicy fantasy revenge, than I am not in the bus station. If you look at a crowd, you see zombies. Bio suits, sitting, walking, working, on automat, without the "driver". I am doing the same. If somebody really wants to grow in quality, in power, in self-knowledge, self-mastery, and so on...needs to practice self-awareness. Practice, I mean, to put in in the absolute priority (it is logical, because all other things will improve with self-awareness), and practice it like the people who practice karate, violin playing, dancing, foreign language...ecetera. When you wake at morning (born) your aim is to be more here and now and aware, and when you go to sleep at night (dead), you ask yourself how aware you was at daytime. Every person has a different story, and different task. If you want to know your task, it is there in the momentum. You have it, just there is needed more awareness and silence in the head, to see it, hear it. There are so many gurus and spiritual teachers. I think "believing" is something dangerous. If peoples ask me for a good, modern, simple to understand book, I always say, that most of the books in the theme mindfulness are more or less good. The problem is that most of the peoples using this books, like drugs. Drinking the words from the book, and feeling some narcotic-happiness until they read it. When it is over, they reach for the next book. All the important information you can put in one-two sentences. 99,99% of the humans are never reach to the real action. Here is a good book: Eckhart Tolle: The Power of Now. Millions sold, and millions speaking about it, but the real effect is minimal, because most of us wants to "break the magic" painless, and in comfort. I make now a end. I think it will be enough suffering for you to read my fantastic english for so long.
Summary:
What I am doing: Noticing, when I am not here, when my awareness is supressed and drowned in tons of stupid uncontrolled thoughts (especially the dark ones). When I want something, I know that I have it, and the realization is slowed down with te will-need-must.
Mark 11:24
"Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours."
Patience, attention, mindfulness. Some good goal's in life, but not because if I reach them I will be happier. No, no, no. I need the aim, to have a road where I can practice my creating skills, and become every time a littlebit more awaken.
Wish you the best. Have a nice day!
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