"And even after all that, I sometimes don't have an LD. I just don't understand. Is it about beliefs? Confidence? Emotional response?"
I have logged over 300 LDs in eight years. That sounds like a lot, but I still sometimes wish it was more. I used to feel the kind of frustration you express, but then I realized that the frustration was keeping me stuck. So, I gave up on trying to have LDs at will. It just wasn't going to happen as an act of my own will. Once I accepted that fact, I could relax and enjoy whatever the dream gods decided to gift me. And I try to enjoy my nonlucid dreams as much as my lucids. It's real important not to become obsessive about this. That was hard at the beginning.
I have done everything I could possibly imagine in my lucids, indulged all my appetites and fantasies. Now it's about exploring consciousness. I find that the process of entering a dream from wakefulness, which for me is accompanied by intense vibratory experiences and roaring noises, is a kind of incarnation experience--a birth from a formless state into a form, my dream self. I can follow it step by step; first, a vague sensation of existence, then an awareness of a "self" hanging in a void, then the appearance of my body sense, and finally the development of content around me, the dream scene. Lately I have been able to move back and forth between the form state and the formless, without waking up. This doesn't sound too exciting, I suppose, but it's pretty cool.
Once I'm fully in the dream I abandon myself. I try not to control the dream, only to be aware. This past Saturday one dream took me on a trip around the world in 10 seconds. I got caught in the "dream stream". It's like the jet stream, only a lot faster. I've never moved so fast. The wind just picked me up and whirled me around the earth, yet I could see everything go by. Whew!
When the dream begins to fade or I begin to fade, I dream spin, which invariably restores the scene. I can go on like that for a long time. I wake myself when I'm tired. After I'm awake, I make a brief note in my journal, but then I forget it. I don't cling to it. I don't obsess over the experience. It's only a dream, after all. There will be others. They're all different, all unique.
Almost all of my LDs are WILD type. I have had only 2 true DILDs, and those were very early on. I came into lucid dreaming through the out-of-body experience world. After about 25 OBEs I learned that they are, in effect, the same as WILDs. WILDing is almost instinctive now. But I have never been very good at recognizing the dream state when I'm nonlucid in it. I've done all the exercises, MILD technique, dreamsign awareness; I've owned and destroyed four Novadreamers. I've attended Laberge's retreat twice. Still, I have had no success at having DILDs. I still work at it, but without the frustration.
I plan my lucid dreaming for Saturday and Sunday mornings, when I can sleep late. I go to bed about 9 pm. I set my alarm for 3 am. I awaken and read for an hour. Lately, because I am older (60), I take a dose of galantamine, which stimulates REM sleep. It's good for my failing memory, too. I go back to bed when my eyes are drowsy. I begin WILDing at about 6 am, and can go on until 2 pm if I choose to and have the time.
I know it's hard, but try not to take this LD business too seriously. It's life that counts.
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