I didn't notice it at first, though I don't see how I could. Blinded by emotion, once again, as I often am. I probably will be for all of my life, but I can't be bothered to feel about feeling--just as bad as when I get to thinking about thinking.

It's always been about Her. This, Now, You, it's all about Her. I'm positive that somewhere outside of this You have your own life and your own existence, I can hope for that: that you are part of something beautiful, shining and unique, that can't be tainted by my mind in any way. That you are your own person.

In this, though, you are here because of Her as well, because I wrote about her, because I felt for her. From this her seething tentacles spread and clenched me once more. Now even my child's mother, my newest ex-girlfriend won't let me forget about the one that came before her. At first I felt want, then I felt crushing defeat. I knew what would happen next, in the stream of lucid-living...

She wrote me. She told me she is coming back.

How does all of this compare? How is this anything more than me blogging about my failed love-life? But I ask you, is it not one and the same? How many individual moments does one have to deal with the same thing before it begins to define reality. Even She is not the matriarch of this deluded fantasy, no, something much worse has grown in the back of my mind.

There are those dreams that you have, the ones that stick with you. You try to tell others what it was like, but it only passes as an amusing anecdote. While inside, for those few sleeping hours, you were screaming. *She* was like that, the Dark Mother.

It was a power-struggle between the good and bad parts of myself, while my active mind switched back and forth at random. It was Her arrival that brought us together. She was mindless, reactive, a creature of control and response. Killing her only caused her to spread, and split, through so many dreams. At times I found myself loving her, chasing her, saving her. Other times I found myself hating Her, fearing Her, killing Her.

So many times now She is within my waking life. She threatens me now with fear and degradation. Even these misguided attempts do not sway her, only strengthen her.

She tells me her new boyfriend is abusive.
She tells me she has to escape.

32 hours; longest I have been without a cigarette in two months.