I've been interested in dreams and lucid dreaming for a while now, but what really drove me to this site right now is a search for answers to a very peculiar and possibly disturbing recurring dream I keep having. This is a sensitive and embarrassing issue, as I'm a girl, so I haven't been able to bring this up with anyone who knows me or sees me in real life...

Once a month, or maybe every other month or less, it seems, I dream that I have a penis (a rather large one, not abnormally large but basically impressively hung), and I absolutely love that I have it. It's like a dream come true. I am by myself when I discover it and then masturbate with it. Last night in particular, while I had this sort of dream, I kept getting close to an orgasm that I can never experience in real life while masturbating (although all dream masturbation for me, with or without a penis, is 100x better than in real life), but every time I got close, somebody distracted me or I was constantly nervous that someone would see me. But I'm always pleased that I have one... dare I say, I feel like things are as they should be down there.

While I don't appreciate Freud's philosophy and its inherent misogyny, I do kind of have these feelings when I'm awake as well. They're just brought to an explicit forefront in dreams sometimes. I'm always a bit disappointed by the vagina, in looks and sensation, and I love dicks. Even as a pre-pubescent kid I had a fascination with phallic things.

I've often been ashamed of feeling this way, of being sentenced to being "different", even though I support the LGBT movement, because I do wonder if this makes me transgendered. I've never overtly wished I were a boy, in fact I quite enjoy being a girl most of the time and being free from the emotional/behavioral restrictions of macho boy's gender role culture, but once in a blue moon I have thoughts like "You know, I could have easily been a boy", because I have a lot of career ambitions (like composer, movie maker, etc) that aren't typical of girls. Then again, it would always be easier to be a boy in the aspect of making any accomplishments and having status and power in life. That's just the way patriarchal society is.

There's hardly any girls I've been friends with or associated with that I've really connected to. I've always been more ambitious and creative with much more drive for my future, even though I look shy and meek on the outside, and easily fit in better with boys (the nerdy, artistic kinds, at least).

I don't know, maybe I'm making too much of this with my own interpretation... I need you guys to help me with your interpretation of what my subconscious is most likely trying to tell me with these recurring dreams.