Hello all,

I've been interested in Lucid Dreaming for over a year now, ever since I noticed references to it on websites selling light/sound devices, and discovered that it wasn't just what its name suggested, i.e. clear, vivid dreaming, but actually 'conscious dreaming'. I for one vote for a rename; I nearly missed out on it altogether because its semi-misnomer failed to make an impression on me. I think of it as 'Conscious Dreaming', or sometimes 'Aware Dreaming', although the latter doesn't have quite such a ring to it. Shakespeare (or Bacon) didn't have the Internet at his fingertips when he wrote "A rose by any other name ...".

So, here I am, trying not to be defined by my 'occupation': Invalid. Unfortunately, apart from not being even remotely a natural at Lucid Dreaming (and despite having a husband, best friend and son who are all naturals but none of whom are interested in experimenting with it (!?!)), some of my most persistent and substantial obstacles are caused by symptoms. I have an incapacitating illness which contraindicates or invalidates some of the lucid dreaming techniques I've read about which sound as if they could be very effective if only I could use them; unfortunately, symptom control must take precedence. My aim is to find a way which gets around these obstacles; not much success so far.

A simple model of my illness is essential to an understanding of my problems, so I will try to keep it short. I have an auto-immune neurological condition (anti-nerve antibodies) of 20 yrs standing. It's too rare to have a name, but it is similar to Multiple Sclerosis except that in my case the Anti-nerve Antibodies directly attack my brain and other nerve cells and cause inflamation, which causes hypersensitivity (and a lot of other things). I'm also a lifelong insomniac and nightowl (what other kind of owl is there?).

In the year during which I've been trying, by means of reading everything I can get my hands on within my price range (three books, lots of websites and various topics on a number of forums as well as this one so far), reality checks, dream diary (Sony MiniDisc dictation; my co-ordination is not good enough to allow me to control a writing implement for a few hours after waking), meditation on intentions whilst dropping off, a Stephen LaBerge induction CD and sundry mp3s, trying to 'bring the feel of a dream state' into everyday reality, etc., in bursts of dedication followed by periods of inactivity and frustration due to lack of success, I've noticed a few things:

I'm a deep sleeper (though whether this has anything to do with it, I don't know), and only have managed so far to experience vague (very 'un-lucid'!) 'in dream awareness' either during drifting off in the 'evening' (could be any actual time, but it's after I've had an approx. 18 hr 'day' of awakeness), or on waking in the 'morning' (after my 'eight hours'). I never have moments of lucidity during proper dreams at 'night' (when I'm asleep). (I should mention that my illness prevents me from keeping regular hours.) Do deep sleepers tend to have problems like this, or is there no relationship?

Like many beginners (I've only become lucid seven or eight times, and then only vaguely, with budding awareness and no control - no time to control), I've tended to wake up suddenly from the thrill of becoming lucid finally. Unfortunately, drifting off to sleep again can be, and almost always is, problematic; either I get a bout of insomnia, or if it's 'morning', my nervous system (having become relaxed during sleep) often goes into a sort of spasm, where my bladder, and sometimes my bowels, spasm agonisingly and persistently until I must get up to go to the toilet, I feel a painful 'electrification' over all my nerve endings, often a strong fear, and general neural chaos, which can continue for up to half an hour. No amount of 'relaxation' will calm it down, and I need to sit up and take my anti-seizure medication (the symptoms are similar to a seizure in their mechanism) and then wait half an hour for it to start to take effect. No amount of spinning and/or focussing will bring back a dream state. Obviously, techniques like setting alarm clocks for particular periods of REM sleep (the noise of which would send me through the roof, apart from the likelihood of my insomniac tendencies making timing impossible), and any techniques for dream recall which involve being woken up ( which invariably sends my nervous system into panic stations) are out of the question.

As I've had no luck at all with MILD techniques, and what experiences I've had drifting off seem closest to WILDs, I am trying to refine these techniques to suit myself whilst waiting for any MILD success. As they hardly ever happen (five or six this year), any suggestions would be appreciated.

Also, I must convey the importance of Lucid Dreaming to me. The injunction on the home page of this site not to try to live in dreams as an escape from 'the real world' is one which, as someone who spends most of her days alone and bedridden with an extremely circumscribed life which includes frequent 3-5 day migraines and protracted seizure-like activity which requires days of lying still (not even able to hold a book), I choose to ignore; I have very little 'real life', have had very little for over twenty years, and what I have is crushing me psychologically because the physical and emotional suffering which I find difficulty in controlling or enduring is exhausting my resources. Much of the time, my dreams are the closest thing I have to a respite.

If I could really 'live' within dreams, then I might at least go mad more slowly, because I could have access to some freedom and maybe pleasure with which to counterbalance the heavy load which I so often carry during my waking hours. In addition, I hope to do as much emotional healing as I can once I manage to actually DO some proper Lucid Dreaming. This is one of my main motivations.

I ran these problems past the people at LD4All about a year ago, but they were outside the ken of everyone there, although I received much encouragement. Maybe someone here might have some useful insights into my situation.

Nice to meet you all, anyway!