Want a glimpse of the mind of a true psychopath?

[BeautifulDreamer]

psy-cho-path - n. A person with an antisocial personality disorder, manifested in aggressive, perverted, criminal, or amoral behavior without empathy or remorse. A mentally unbalanced person who is inclined toward antisocial and criminal behavior. First off, for those of you who don't know, BeutifulDreamer is sick in the head. I thought I should mention that I've been diagnosed by my psychiatrist as having paranoid schizophrenia, and that the writing in this topic is intended to be a therapeutic release and a way to jog my own memory (short term memory loss is gradually taking over, but I'm gonna fight it dammit). That being said, I would appreciate it if you all would refrain from making fun of my mental illness or some of the symptoms I've had. I know I've been a dick to a lot of you for no good reason, but hey, think of this as a chance to maybe understand why. With that out of the way, I guess I can start telling you about some of the crazy shit that's been going on in my world for the past 22 years. I spent a year as a homeless drug addict in London, squatted in abandoned chemical waste disposal plants, and slept with more fine women than you can count on all o' yer fingers and toes. I've had enough clout in club scenes to be a pseudo celebrity, and did I mention I slept with a lot of fine women? Yeah. Anyway, I guess I'll start my story where it really begins in regards to these boards, and others. When I decided to make an account at Gamefaqs, and afterwards this.

[BeautifulDreamer]

I was fifteen years old when I finally decided to register an account for the forums at gamefaqs. I remember reading through them, fascinated by all of those interesting people who were living on the cutting edge of technology, or so I thought. Yeah, so I was somewhat naïve. My upbringing hadn’t exactly been spectacular, and to cut it short I ended up living with a stoner uncle of mine that worked as a live-in manager at a group home for the “developmentally disabled.” Much hilarity often did ensue, but it was a bit of a horrible experience having to grow up with generally around ten mentally handicapped people living in the same house as you. Anyway, gamefaqs was where I threw all of my attention at that age. I remember making hundreds of CAWs for WWF No Mercy for the N64, just because I loved the attention and praise I got on the boards for them. The first person I ever talked to on these boards was frostbite911, and on a whim, I fabricated an entirely different identity for myself. Immediately I became 24 years old, with a daughter and a ***** of a girlfriend that I would have regular wild and nasty sex with. This is relevant because when I started talking to other people on the boards, I stuck with the same story for a long time. This all leads into a board on there, and my meeting Vegetaman, DarkPaladin126, GaeasKnight, and most importantly, gamegirl x...

[BeautifulDreamer]

gamegirl x was everything a fifteen year old boy could dream of; she was older, lived in an exotic country, and spoke multiple languages. The only thing I really remember about it at this point was an IM from a young DarkPaladin126 that said "Can't you see that she's infatuated with you?" Thus began an online romance that became the focal point of my daily life during the summer of 2001. I was in foster care, as my uncle had moved to Sacramento after having a falling out with his boss (which I will get into MUCH more detail with). The point? Well, BD was stuck in foster care with Hispanic families that spoke absolutely no English. Basically, four months of my life were spent in a room, alone, on the computer, with only gamefaqs and IM to keep me company. My mental illness was starting to show, but I had no idea at that point... My social life was pretty much non-existant. I had a handful of friends that I didn't really like, I had horrible acne, and I was severely insecure though at the same time somewhat arrogant. I never had a girlfriend before the online romance with gamegirl x, even though I would write another letter to another heartless girl time after time. Anyway, I need a cigarette break, and I should probably make some coffee. I've got a lot of writing left to do.

[pj]

Wow. Thank you. Don't know what else to say, other than keep it coming! I hope this does you some good. Writing sure helps me in troubled and confusing times.

[BeautifulDreamer]

Right. So eventually I ended up getting out of the foster homes and moving back in with my uncle in Sacramento, which was 1,000 or so miles away from the only place I could consider home- London. I was actually let back into a public school (BD was a bad kid, and often got into trouble for trivial offenses like graffiti), but I was more socially isolated than ever before. I had absolutely no friends. This was the time in my life when I became less and less in touch with myself; it was also about this time that I found out about Lucid Dreaming. I did try, but when I finally got them I couldn't stop killing myself, killing others, reliving moments in my life. That's why I began new here. But more on that later... A few months later, gamegirl x had resolved to fly out from her home country of Panama to Sacramento, CA to be with me. She took out a $20,000 student loan to do this. To this very day I feel sorry for her, and for myself, for letting our relationship ever actualize. I am filled with a great deal of remorse, because I was a stupid kid with a crush that destroyed the life and heart of a disturbed girl who had no business making those kind of decisions for herself and should probably have been taken care of by her grandmother. That was the first life I ruined, and it haunts me to this day. She killed herself 2 years back.

[BeautifulDreamer]

When the relationship between myself and gamegirl x soured, I was unable to empathize with her due to my mental illness. I remember one time she came over to my house and was crying at the door, and I told her she had to go home. I went upstairs, took a nap, and when I came back downstairs five hours later she was still lying broken on my porch. Her crying was a horrifying sound, like a hundred crippled horses lying crumpled on the ground, begging for a rifle to come and put them down... This particular memory strikes me hard because I remember feeling no sympathy for her whatsoever. Rather, I was filled with a feeling of disgust. I wanted her to get the **** off my porch and stop causing a scene. Looking back on it, I know that I really am a terrible person, but god I wish I could change that. Anyway, gamegirl x ended up being a drunk and hanging out with my tweeker neighbors all the time, and eventually hooked up with a friend. Like I said, 2005 she hung herself. All I can say is, if her grandma, or friends, or.. Anybody... ever reads this, I hope she knows that I'm very, very sorry for everything I ever did and said to her. She never deserved me, and I'm the reason why she killed herself- for God's sake, we couldn't even afford a damn funeral!

[BeautifulDreamer]

Around this time I ended up losing internet access altogether, I was expelled from high school a third time for "Satanic imagery" on my clothing (I wore a Danzig shirt to school, lol), and I became a bit more social due to lack of other outlets. It was during this time in my life that I met a girl who continues to be one of the most important people in my life today: Marlena. Marlena was a cool little punk rocker chick that had a twin sister named Katrina, and I had a massive crush on her. I used to talk to her in sixth period through the entire class, and we'd never get anything accomplished. I remember thinking that she was the most beautiful girl I'd ever met, and that I would do anything for her, that I wanted nothing more than to protect her. And so I managed to snare her, and we had an amazing relationship that was innocent and soon blossomed into true love, or what I've come to understand love to be. Sadly, as soon as love was found, it was wrenched from our hands violently by the real world, and our families and our own mistakes...

[joey11223]

holy crap please keep posting omg i was totally absorbed reading this and i come to the last line... wow this is an amazing account, you really don't know how interested i am in Schizoprenia, a friends dad suffers from it and im talking to him all the time. He has a really messed up but amazing life story, please go on about yours.

[BeautifulDreamer]

I remember it being two days after my birthday the first time I slept with Marlena. Of course, like the bright little campers we were, we neglected the obligatory birth control... She ended up pregnant the second or third month of our relationship. I had just turned 18, and she was still 15, and neither one of us knew what we were going to do at that point. Her family had it out with me, and we spent days and days planning and talking and fighting and everything else. Her mother was a tweeker and her mom's boyfriend was a crackhead with a severe case of sculiosis (sp), and so as you can imagine their stance on things shifted often and severely. Initially we had planned to keep the child. We told our families about it, bought clothing for it, went to see an OBGYM and listened to it's heartbeat, decided on a name for our child, the whole nine yards. The crux of the whole thing was that her tweeker mother had promised to help support us. I was going to find work, and bust my ass to make sure that neither of them went hungry... Until the capricious nature of a typical drug addict kicked in, and they said, and I quote, "**** off, we ain't helpin' you with ****. You're going to do this on your own, or else we'll have your ass thrown in jail." Gee, thanks. Marlena's real father suddenly stepped into the picture from waaay out in left field, and took her to Planned Parenthood. I held her hand while my daughter was torn apart in front of my own eyes , and I remember seeing a blood spot on the doctor's table after the surgery was over. The waiting room at Planned Parenthood is a horrible place... Women are alone and weeping, there are people outside picketing every Saturday because a second trimester abortion takes two days to fully process, and they're closed on Sundays. The protesters know. They stand outside screaming things like "Give your child a chance to live!" while there are women there with deformed children growing inside them, fighting their inner demons with every breath, wishing they didn't have such responsibility to deal with. I hate those protesters more than I've ever hated anything in my life. The signs, the pictures, the things I saw made me sick to my stomach, but I knew that I had made the only decision I could make. Unfortunately, that surgery sparked something much worse inMarlena's health, and I couldn't help but feel like it was a punishment for willingly killing our own child.

[BeautifulDreamer]

For the next few weeks after the abortion, Marlena was weak and generally in poor health. This was despite everyone's best efforts to keep her healthy with vitamins, Jamba Juice, etc. She ended up in the E.R. three separate times, and was given amoxycillin each time because I guess that's what they give you if they don't know what's wrong with you at the E.R. The antibiotics didn't work though, because the problem was a lot more severe than anything we could've imagined. I remember when the doctors told us that Marlena had something called endocardytis. They said that basically it was like a staph infection that traveled through the blood stream and ended up latching on to one of her heart valves, creating a vegetation there that would eventually kill her if it wasn't removed. Like I said before, she was weak after the abortion, and we were all terrified when she had to have emergency open heart surgery to remove the vegetation. She held my hand and told me she was afraid she was going to die. The hardest thing I ever had to do in my life was not cry at that moment.

[BeautifulDreamer]

Marlena pulled through fine after the surgery, but six months or so later, our relationship began to fall apart. It was awkward; what are you supposed to do when someone you've been through so much with grows distant and changes? I had no experience with this at that point in my life, and due to my mental illness I was unable to comprehend what that was going to mean for our future. I ended up leaving Marlena much like I had left gamegirl x, broken and hurt, hating me. I didn't mean to destroy their lives, but it seemed like everywhere I went, damage ensued. I had little to no contact with anyone on the internet at this point, and so there was a large chunk of time that gamefaqs didn't have a me posting on the forums more often than maybe once every couple of months. After Marlena and I broke up, I found myself in an interesting situation: I was in college, I was single, my mental illness had not yet completely surfaced and crippled me, and I had the world before me like a treasure chest that only I could unlock. It was an amazing feeling. I was still living with my uncle at this point, but we had acquired another member in our household: his girlfriend (now his wife), Kristeen. Now Kristeen is a terrifying woman if I've ever seen one. She has her Masters in Social Work, her BA in Psychology, and wants to help everyone whether they like it or not. With my mental illness beginning to bloom along with my social life, this introduced an unstable and at times horrible element into my life.

[BeautifulDreamer]

feel that I must apologize for my writing. I know it's disorganized and somewhat random, but it follows my thought process. In truth, the reason why I haven't RPed very much in years is because I simply cannot bring myself to keep a structured post full of eloquent material, nor can I bring it to bear at will any longer. I don't even know if I make sense half the time. I have a great deal of trouble identifying with other people in every aspect of life, including my writing... But I feel that this is a good mental exercise for me, so I will continue if it pleases you all. Anyway, if anyone's interested, I've got a lot more crap I can rant about. I haven't begun talking about the gawth club scenes, the train hopping squatters, the scum punks, the mental hospitals, the drug dealing and drug addictions... I have a thousand things to talk about. 'Course I can always just close this topic if no one cares. Let me know what you think.

[King and God]

Judging by what you have written, you are not a psychopath, altough you are definately a bit insane. And what drugs did you take, by the way? And I have had that shit paranoid schizophrenia myself one year ago. Now when looking back at it, I have a hard time believing my thoughts were as crazy as they were. At one point I even thought a loved one was going to kill me, just because we had been in a small arguement. I also had some other delusions. Keep the writing up! I find it to be a very interesting read.

[wasup]

I say keep posting.

[BeautifulDreamer]

I guess I'll pick up where I left off, with Kristeen. Kristeen is the most terrifying woman I've met in my entire life. She isn't all that physically imposing, but she has a way with words in arguments that make her turn into three cobras with unreadable, black eyes that hiss and spit venom with every word. I'm afraid of her to this day. I can't do something as simple as call her and talk to her on the phone without risking a nervous breakdown. I don't know what it is about her, but no one else has ever scared me as much as she does. Anyway, Kristeen disagreed with just about everything I was doing with my life, and her opinions became my uncle's opinions. At this point in my life I was 19 and still living with him, going to college full time and working full time at Target. My mental illness was under control, and I was doing really well... Until I made the mistake of hanging out at the local Starbucks on my 45 minute lunch break during work. In Citrus Heights, the Birdcage shopping center is a pathetic little strip mall where junkies and bums panhandle and evade security with a professional routine and plan. I know each and every degenerate in that town, and I am a legend amongst them. Everyone there calls me "Goothik," which came from "Gothic Industrial," which the scum punks called me when I hung out with them because of my style of dressing at the time (pics will be posted). Next, I'm going to have to dedicate a lot of time to Birdcage, the crowds that I joined there, and the criminal activities I fell into shortly thereafter...

[BeautifulDreamer]

"Marketplace at Birdcage" was the place to be if you were a social outcast. Everyone and anyone that was a trouble maker, too intelligent to give a **** about high school, whatever, that's where they flocked to. The local Starbucks had tables and chairs set up, and so every day there would be a crowd of about forty punks, goths, mall kids, hippies, and people of many other walks of life gathered together in one large social environment. It was a great thing. Many deep philosophical discussions were had between the young and the old; I remember having a discussion about my stance on Satanism with a retired black war veteran in his 60's who remembered the civil rights movement, a 15 year old drunk street punk girl, and a 36 year old balding white lawyer. Diversity was all around us. The problems arose when hard drugs started to surface in our scene. I admit that a lot of the reason they appeared in the first place was my fault. I remember when I lost my job at Target, I started spending all my time down there. And I remember the first time I ever did crystal meth...

[BeautifulDreamer]

I guess I should backtrack a bit then, and talk a little bit about the punks. I guess the best way to introduce them would be with a picture, so here ya go, my filthy friends in Sacramento. http://i45.photobucket.com/albums/f5...h/100_0701.jpg Model citizens, to be sure. Anyway, when I was homeless, strung out on drugs, and at times totally pathetic, these guys were the only friends I had that stuck through it with me, that didn't give a **** if people thought less of them for hanging out with me. When I was at my lowest lows, these guys were all there for me, and that meant a lot. It's funny what you learn when you sink to your lowest low. Now these guys are some sick bastards, don't get me wrong. Most of the things I've done with them I can't even post on these boards for fear of incriminating myself or them in some kind of bizarre twist of fate... But we've never really gone out of our way to hurt anyone, and we have an understanding with the cops now. It's pretty mellow these days.

[BeautifulDreamer]

Anyway, I think I was last talking about the first time I did crystal meth... But to do that, I should tell you about my friend Pornstar. Pornstar really was a porn star, but not a conventional porn star. He started the same way John Holmes did; he was in some gay porn. For some reason, that didn't seem to bother him, so I never really approached the subject like ever if I could find a way around it. There are certain things you just don't wanna know about your friends, y'know? Anyway, Pornstar and me were looking to get some cocaine, which I had also never done but always wanted to try. Thing was, we couldn't get our hands on any coke, and so we spent a good three hours standing out in front of the Tower Records at the pay phones calling dealers until we finally found someone that could get us a bunch of crystal meth for really cheap. I was in no position to argue, being that I only pitched in $5 to begin with, and so I went along with it. We walked over to the apartment complex the dealer lived at, picked up a sizable chunk of the filthy stuff, and headed over to Mariposa park to do it all. I remember the first line I ever did was about three inches long, and it burned worse than anything I could imagine (a year or so later, I actually did a line of salt with Tabasco on it to compare and contrast; the crystal meth hurt WAY worse). It made my eyes water, and I called 'em tears of joy. The meth kicked me up like nothing ever had before, and I couldn't stop talking about stupid crap like the movie Encino Man, and black metal, and trenchcoats... I ended up doing the same thing every other tweeker ends up doing; I sat in a Denny's for five hours sharing one cup of coffee with two other men, while hearing Pornstar describe in vivid detail exactly what goes on behind the scenes in a gay porno flick. Bad times. Me and Pornstar spent the rest of the next day bumming lines off people we knew, until we ended up going our separate ways that night. I ended up spun out of my mind in the horrible apartment complex known as Little Mexico, and Pornstar ended up back in his rich neighborhood in Granite Bay. I ended up going back to work the next day, feeling like shit, and pretending nothing had been wrong. I couldn't shake the memory of how good it felt to be high on meth though... And that was my introduction to the world of hard drugs.

[Indecent Exposure]

Im confused, how is it that some of your posts are only one minute after the other (which is consdierably large). Are you writing this elsewhere and pasting it in? But anyway youve got me hooked, keep going. Imran

[BeautifulDreamer]

Im confused, how is it that some of your posts are only one minute after the other (which is consdierably large). Are you writing this elsewhere and pasting it in? But anyway youve got me hooked, keep going. Imran I write the whole thing first, then I post the fragments I think will work.

[tyrantt23]

That's some amazing life story... sounds like you've been through a lot. I'm really sorry to hear about gamegirl x and marlena... Like you've mentioned before, the posts don't follow a specific structure, but I would say that would be pretty hard to do when giving a personal biography. The posts are very interesting as it is, so keep them coming. Best of luck to you...

[BeautifulDreamer]

That's some amazing life story... sounds like you've been through a lot. I'm really sorry to hear about gamegirl x and marlena... Like you've mentioned before, the posts don't follow a specific structure, but I would say that would be pretty hard to do when giving a personal biography. The posts are very interesting as it is, so keep them coming. Best of luck to you... Thanks. I'm not even scratching the surface about all the shit that's happened.

[BeautifulDreamer]

Ok, time for more writing. I guess I'll rewind a little bit. After I lost my job at Target, I was actually kind of relieved. It gave me more time to concentrate on school... No, it gave me more time to concentrate on my social life, which was an area I had neglected for too long. I found that I didn't even need a job to keep up my smoking habit, since I could just bum change from friends and come up with a pack or two every day. I was under a lot of pressure from my uncle and Kristeen to get another job, which gave me even more incentive to avoid being at home and spend as much time as possible down at Birdcage. This was the beginning of a stage of irresponsibility in my life that I've found myself unable to escape. Around this time, I hooked up with the first of a shitload of mall goth girls with hot bodies and no self esteem - Julia. I remember the first time I saw her I thought she was easily the hottest girl at Birdcage, and I knew I had to have a piece of that. Interestingly enough, the way she introduced herself was friendly if nothing else; she pulled up a chair, sat down next to me, and asked in the most innocent, childlike voice she could muster, "Has anyone ever come up to you and humped your leg? That was probably me." And it was as easy as that. I knew I was in. Unfortunately, not only did things with Julia not last, but they ended on the worst of terms. She screwed one of the punks while she was drunk, which was a definite deal breaker, and at that point I didn't know enough to know better than to be really hurt by what she did. To top things off, she ended up getting committed to Heritage Oaks mental hospital by her neurotic mother due to her excessive drinking (and I was to find out later, her crystal meth habit), and she felt the need to call me four or five times a day and cry to me about how sorry she was. Riiight. No, I was done with her, and made sure to spread rumors that she was both a leper and a whore, destroying her reputation and breaking her heart. Did I regret it? Not a chance. It opened up a number of other doors and pairs of legs for me, and launched my career as an irresponsible dick in a whole new direction - I was a player, baby.

[BeautifulDreamer]

After things with Julia ended for the first time, I found myself surrounded by underage mall goth girls all the time. Things couldn't have been better, really. I was getting laid, I was getting drunk, and I was getting my self-esteem back on track. There were a few girls in particular from this group that would have a lasting impact on my life, and I'll take a look at them one at a time. First though, here's a picture of them: http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v2...tieNatalie.jpg From left to right: Sin, Natalie, Katie...

[BeautifulDreamer]

I first met Katie towards the end of my infatuation with Julia. She was only fourteen, and I was nineteen. As such, I knew at the time that I could never have a relationship with her; she was too young, and I wasn't exactly looking to go to jail for statutory rape. This fear, for some reason, only applied to Katie; a lot of the other girls I was sleeping with at the time were under eighteen. Maybe it was because the age difference was substantially larger between the two of us? I can't think of any other reason, really. An important side note to include is that the first time I met Katie, I gave her a piece of writing I had originally intended for Julia. She was infatuated with me from the moment I read it to her, and carried it everywhere with her for years until I took it back to give to Sin when I proposed to her (I'll get there, don't worry). Katie, more than any of those three, has left scars on my heart, and unlike Natalie and Sin, those from Katie are almost entirely my own fault. Until about six months ago, I had been stringing Katie along for the better part of four years with promises of love that would reach deeper than anything she had ever felt before. I always considered my words to be truthful, and I never felt that I was leading her on; rather, I feel that I had always wanted to be with Katie, but that the fear of getting in trouble stood in the way the entire time. If I could travel back in time to correct one mistake, I would have been with Katie years ago... But I digress.