Thread: Funny Jokes-LMAO

Well I searched for "Jokes", "Laughter", "funny" etc...and nothing came up like this. It may have been burried way at the bottom of those countless pages, but anyway, we all like a good laugh and I have some favorite jokes I wanted to share so here they are. Post your favorites to please.


A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principals office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his wenis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said. "I did," he said and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."


Will I Live To Be 80?

Some times you just have to ask yourself " Will I live to be 80?"
I recently chose a new primary care physician.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about the comment, I couldn't resist asking him,
"Do you think I'll live to be 80?" He asked,
"Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"
"No," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, fishing or relaxing in the beach?"
"No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
Then he looked at me and asked,

"Then why do you give a shit?"



womans poem/mans poem


WOMAN'S POEM
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
And, when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

MAN'S POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store, golf course and hunting range. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit!



Pharmacology

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.

For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.


Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on female chest appendage implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.



The Lone Ranger and Tonto

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After
they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,
"Kemo Sabe,look towards sky; what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of
galaxies.
Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in
the morning.
Theologically, the Lord is all powerful and we are small and
insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful
day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"
"You dumber than buffalo shit! Someone stole tent."



As I walked down the busy sidewalk, knowing I was late for an important meeting, my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, homeless vagabonds that are found in every city these days.

Wearing what can only be described as rags, carrying every worldly possession in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this persons condition.

Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them.

Recalling some long ago Parochial School admonition to "care for the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked," I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person.

Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a hidden beauty. A small voice inside my head called out, "Reach out, reach out!"
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So I did!
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I won't be able to make church this sunday.



I rear-ended another car this morning. I tell you, I knew right then and there that it was going to be a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and wouldn't you know it!

He was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!"

So I said, "Well, then, which one ARE you?"

That's how the fight started.





Is it just me or does the reporter look like the guy they are looking for?





Here's the perfect bed for men! tehehe Ahhhhh...what a restful sleep.









There is this classic joke on the difference of friendship between men and women.

Friendship between women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship between men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.

Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, & two claimed that he was still there.


Some poems for your boyfriend/girlfriend/significant other.

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife;
> Marrying you screwed up my life.
>
>
> 2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
> That's why I always wake up screaming.
>
>
> 3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
> This describes everything you are not.
>
>
>
> 5. I thought that I could love no other
> that is, until I met your brother.
>
>
> 6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you ~
> But the roses are wilting, the violets a re dead, the sugar bowl's
> empty, and so is your head.
>
>
> 7. I want to feel your sweet embrace
> But don't take that paper bag off your face.
>
>
> 8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
> Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
>
>
> 9. My love, you take my breath away.
> What have you stepped in to smell this way?
>
>
> 10. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
> Two parts vodka, one part lime.

Here's some funny vids:

This one is funny but you need the volume on to hear it. It's about spiders on drugs.

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/11041/

Poor sheep can't figure out why the other hate him. hehehe

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NMShvQa4SI0

Fuuny, this is The Jamie Kennedy experiment. He is pretending to be a Lifeguard and wel...Turn the volume on.

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/786303/bathroom_break/

That's it for now. More to follow.