My Little One

**A Lost Soul** · 02-06-2004 02:38 PM

[i]For a very long time, I’ve given a great deal of thought to having a child and the circumstances thereof. I don’t want a child right now, of course. But should I hit the age of 35 or so and not already have a loving companion to settle down with (which, given my exemplary luck with men, is a great possibility), I will ask a friend to help me bear a child. To be blunt, it would be a sperm donation from a trusted source. I would rather a friend donate than take a sample of some unknown donor. I would have them to sign off on parental rights, thus alleviating them from any responsibilities. I don’t want their money, just a child. And it would be rather difficult to conceive on my own. Anyway, with that said, this is the dream I had (all names have been omitted out of respect):

I wasn’t in control of this dream. I was a passenger, so to speak, only able to watch from my own eyes. Still, it was one of the most vivid and real dreams that I've ever experienced.

I was older. I felt older. I was nearing forty, I think… I looked around and I recognized the room I was in. I’d dreamed of it before. A kitchen, very large… blue stools and a tiled bar. I think it was white, but I’m not sure. Someone was sitting next to me, but I didn’t look at them. Whoever it was must have been a friend, or someone I was comfortable with. Someone else had my attention, though. I stood from the stool and walked to the center of the kitchen, where a little boy sat on the floor, playing with some toy cars. He was about two or three years old, with beautiful blue eyes and auburn hair that curled a bit at his little neck. I knew him right away and I couldn’t help but beam a smile full of love. He was my son. I smiled and my heart felt warm. For the first time in a long time, I felt happy. I got down on the floor with him, smoothed his soft hair and kissed his head.

“Hey, sweetie,” I said. “Are you hungry?”
He looked up at me and nodded.
“What do you want?” I asked.
He smiled, and I swear my heart melted. It was such a familiar smile, and it lit up the room. “Nutbutter sammich,” he said. His voice was the sweetest thing I’d ever heard.
I looked into his eyes and grinned. “Wanna help me make it?” I tapped his nose with a finger.

“Yeah!” He said. My son and I stood and I scooped him up in my arms. I swung him around a few times, savoring his laughter, before I plopped him down on the counter next to the refrigerator. There were pictures on the refrigerator, and my child pointed to one and asked, "Whozzat?"
I told him the name of the person in the picture, a man who also happened to be my little boy's namesake. Confused, my son looked up at me and said, "Zat me?"

I placed a loaf of bread on the countertop next to him and glanced at the photo. “No, sweetie,” I corrected him. I felt as though I’d said it before, but I answered again, patiently. “But his name is the same as yours. He’s mommy’s friend.”

“Oh,” he said, as though he understood. He pointed to the picture and said my friend’s name. He pointed to himself and repeated it. He pointed to me, accidentally poking me in the boob. “Mama.”
I chuckled. “That’s right.”

I heard a voice behind me, asking something about my son and the picture. I turned around to see an older woman. I got the impression that this was her house; I was just a guest. I took notice now of who had been sitting next to me at the bar. My friend, of course. He makes more appearances in my dreams than a presidential hopeful a month before election day. He and I exchanged a glance, and he lowered his eyes. I wondered if he regretted helping me have a child. I hoped not because I felt that he’d given me the greatest gift that a friend could ever give another. I looked at the woman again. Apparently the dream-me knew what her question had been, because the waking me doesn’t remember what she said exactly. “The birth certificate says ‘known donor’. I chose to have a child on my own.” I answered politely. I turned back to my son and handed him the jar of peanut butter, which he spent quite a bit of determined effort to open.

“I thought you two were close?” The woman spoke quietly. “Is that what you think of him, dear? As a ‘known donor’?”
“Mom…” My friend muttered.
“Not at all,” I said to the woman. “I just didn’t want some anonymous stranger to father my child, so I asked someone I trusted. He agreed and is under no obligation to claim responsibility.”

“But what if he wants to?” She walked to me and put a hand on my shoulder. “And what if we want to?” I cast another glance at my friend, but he was busy looking elsewhere. Anywhere but at us. He seemed… agitated somehow.

I stopped my son from trying to stuff the whole peanut butter and jelly sandwich we had just made into his mouth. “Sweetie, small bites.”

“Sowwy,” he said, his mouth full.
My son was too young yet to understand what the woman and I were discussing in front of him, but I lowered my voice anyway. “You’re more than welcome to give him gifts and things like that,” I said. “And both of us enjoy these visits, but I’d rather he not call you ‘grandma’ or my friend ‘daddy’. I don’t want to confuse him.”

“But you’ll take support?” The woman said. She wasn’t angry, just concerned, which I completely understood.

“No,” I answered honestly. “It’s not like that at all. I don’t want anything from him—or from you. We both agreed and signed the papers, and even still I would never do that to him. I watched my mother make my father’s life miserable and I would never do that to someone I—“ I paused and reconsidered my words. “Someone I care so much about.”

The woman’s eyes softened and she squeezed my hand. “And if he asks who his father is? He’s going to ask someday, you know.”

I smiled. “I’ll tell him the truth.” I looked at my friend, who met my eyes. “That his mother wanted him so badly, she asked a friend to help her create him.” My friend smiled slightly, a smiled that broadened when his eyes fell upon my son. Our son… I saw so much pride, so much love for that little boy in his eyes that I could never deny him anything. “I’ll tell my son who his father is,” I said softly. “And I think he’ll understand and appreciate all that your family has done for us. I don’t want to cut any of you out of his life. I just don’t want you to think that I did this with ulterior motives. I swear to you, I didn’t. I got what I wanted.” I kissed my son’s sticky cheek and tasted peanut butter with a touch of grape jelly. My little boy was making an impressive mess on the countertop (and on himself).

I felt so content, but at the same time I knew that I was only experiencing the Dreaming. Still, I let myself bask in this elusive happiness a bit longer; until my alarm went off and called me back into the waking world.

**Seeker** · 02-06-2004 03:18 PM

Oh wow! I hope this comes true(in some form), you would make a great mom!

**Lowercase Society** · 02-06-2004 05:17 PM

Thats so awsome LS, so cute!
Look, its what you want to do, but im sure there will be a guy that will, as we discussed before, throw his heart at you, with absolute sincere love. Believe it. how can anyone resist you, you sexy elf!!! haha!

Alright, im gunna jet, cause i think im blushing...

**Erfeyah** · 02-07-2004 12:20 AM

That was very sweet LS. There was so much love in it. You will be a great mother

**WerBurN** · 02-07-2004 09:47 PM

precog? maybe? ...and i have to agree with what Lowercase said

**dougdrums** · 02-07-2004 09:53 PM

heh, that was.. uh... cute.

(I wish I could get away with poking people in the boob, sheesh...)

**WerBurN** · 02-07-2004 10:06 PM

just do it then say 'oops sry' immediately afterward...you'd be surprised what people will let you do

**CocoDan** · 02-07-2004 10:28 PM

Really???

Lol I'm just kidding. And I think Lost Soul will get married someday. Everybody gets a chance.

**Aphius** · 02-08-2004 06:29 AM

The way you described the love you felt for your son made me feel.... warm.

Dont worry, you'll have your chance.

**Lomebririon** · 02-08-2004 07:11 AM

You keep having these dreams about possible future experiences and other people's lives and I don't. Damn it.

That's a great view into the (possible) future. Reading this gave me a strange feeling, like a warmth, but deeper inside me than that. Sounds like you really loved that kid......

I'd say something, but...... nothing is coming to me. Strange.

I suppose i'll say something like:
when the time is right, it'll happen. You'll meet someone you love more than the whole world, and they'll love you just as much in return.

Oh, and:

Originally posted by Lost Soul
which, given my exemplary luck with men, is a great possibility

If they knew you like we do they'd be all over you.

**Aphius** · 02-08-2004 10:06 AM

Originally posted by Lomebririon+--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Lomebririon)</div>

<!--QuoteBegin-Lost Soul

which, given my exemplary luck with men, is a great possibility

If they knew you like we do they'd be all over you.

[/b]

Preach! Amen to that.

Seriously though. If you truly want it, it will come to you.

**A Lost Soul** · 02-08-2004 10:51 AM

Originally posted by Aphius+--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Aphius)</div>

Originally posted by Lomebririon@
<!--QuoteBegin-Lost Soul

which, given my exemplary luck with men, is a great possibility

If they knew you like we do they'd be all over you.

Preach! Amen to that.

Seriously though. If you truly want it, it will come to you.[/b]

I love you guys.

**Lowercase Society** · 02-08-2004 11:36 AM

Haha, your the best LS!

CT · 02-08-2004 12:33 PM

You and your friend again, eh? He must be on your mind alot

**A Lost Soul** · 02-08-2004 12:53 PM

I guess you could say that.

But again, I want to make it clear that I am in NO RUSH to have children! Yeah, the biological clock is slowly ticking away (welcome to the wonderful world of womanhood), but I don't want kids until I'm damn good and ready. Which, for the record, I am so not.

Regardless, it was a sweet dream, and I loved that little boy. He was my son, and I still feel a residual motherly love thing when I think about it.

**dougdrums** · 02-08-2004 11:07 PM

What if you got a daughter?

CT · 02-08-2004 11:21 PM

Originally posted by A Lost Soul
I guess you could say that. *

But again, I want to make it clear that I am in NO RUSH to have children! Yeah, the biological clock is slowly ticking away (welcome to the wonderful world of womanhood), but I don't want kids until I'm damn good and ready. Which, for the record, I am so not. *

Regardless, it was a sweet dream, and I loved that little boy. He was my son, and I still feel a residual motherly love thing when I think about it.

Well... Why dont get working on it then... Grab that guy and make him fall in love with you! Then when the time's there when YOU'RE ready to have a child, YOU BOTH as a couple might be ready to have a kid.

Your clock is ticking, and relationships need time to get to the point that you're ready for a kid. Perhaps this is what your dreams are telling you, only you can tell.

**RedStarSoldier** · 02-08-2004 11:33 PM

Hey, Valentines Day is coming up, ya know.

**A Lost Soul** · 02-09-2004 12:17 AM

Originally posted by CT
Well... Why dont get working on it then... Grab that guy and make him fall in love with you! Then when the time's there when YOU'RE ready to have a child, YOU BOTH as a couple might be ready to have a kid. *

Your clock is ticking, and relationships need time to get to the point that you're ready for a kid. Perhaps this is what your dreams are telling you, only you can tell.

Let's just say that didn't work. That particular guy doesn't love me and that's that. Nothing I can do will change that. Besides, I'm not that worried about kids or anything. When I'm ready, I'll have a child whether there is a man in my life or not. I didn't delude myself into thinking that my first choice would agree to such a farfetched request, so I do have other potential donors in my head. When the time comes, I will have a child.

And let me go on record here as saying that I fucking hate Valentine's Day. The last "valentine" I got was from my ex, like seven years ago. That freakin' ho gets more valentines than I do! Even when were were together! It's a good thing we're still good friends or else I'd be really mad at him for that. LOL. I should kick his ass when he comes to visit in a couple of weeks. I'll hold him at gunpoint and make him buy me a flower or something.

...pretty bad when I have to hold a guy at gunpoint though... *cries*

**dougdrums** · 02-09-2004 12:58 AM

...pretty bad when I have to hold a guy at gunpoint though... *cries*
[/b]

Use a knife.

**A Lost Soul** · 02-09-2004 01:09 AM

Originally posted by dougdrums

...pretty bad when I have to hold a guy at gunpoint though... *cries*

Use a knife.[/b]

**Seeker** · 02-09-2004 01:55 AM

Originally posted by A Lost Soul
And let me go on record here as saying that I fucking hate Valentine's Day. The last \"valentine\" I got was from my ex, like seven years ago.

Didn't you get one from a friend a couple of weeks ago?

**Lomebririon** · 02-09-2004 03:29 AM

What is the deal with this friggin' biological clock?

A lot of women are saying stuff like:

Originally posted by A woman who fears 'the clock' would have
I have to find a man soon, so I can have kids because, you know, my biological clock is ticking

The damn thing can't possibly tick THAT fast. It also makes me think that a lot of women hitting their late 30's might settle for any old piece of man that has a sperm count a cut above a sponge.

It has me worried.

Well, at least I don't need to worry about you Lost Soul, you have your youth, your looks, sense, and a Harem of beautiful men.

**A Lost Soul** · 02-09-2004 03:34 AM

I don't know. I can't speak for all of us, but I think a lot of women hit a point in their lives when they think "Woah... I have a womb! I better use this thing before it shrivels up and travels south, just like the rest of me!"

But again, for the third time: I don't want kids yet! Not until I'm well into my 30s, and that's ten years from now!

Edit: Actually, I have a kid already. Doesn't my lizard count?

**Aphius** · 02-09-2004 04:24 AM

Yes it does count.

My cat seems to be like a kid. He keeps me up late at night, eats 3 meals a day and is a good friend. He seems to get me up at about 4 o'clock every morning....
Now i think about it, he could probably make it easier to try and WILD....

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