AIM IM with Mr. Fluffy Pants .
3/31/06, 12:37 PM
Mr. Fluffy Pants: hey bunny
Amy Shere: hello
Mr. Fluffy Pants: what's up?
Amy Shere: just reading about lucid dreams
Mr. Fluffy Pants: I used to have those when I was younger
Mr. Fluffy Pants: I kind of miss it.
Amy Shere: yeah i either am in one right now or my reality got fucked to hell
12:40 PM
Mr. Fluffy Pants: Yeah, I read that post you made about it in TCC
Mr. Fluffy Pants: but I can tell you without a doubt that I am a sentient being, if that helps at all.
Amy Shere: haha
Amy Shere: that helps a lot actually
Mr. Fluffy Pants: :0
Mr. Fluffy Pants: *
Amy Shere: you're god
Mr. Fluffy Pants: oh no, but I'm flattered.
Amy Shere: i've been grappling with that one a lot though
Amy Shere: i fell in love, fell into a dream, realized she wasn't the one i wanted, and now here i am
Amy Shere: and i fear the only way out is to die... but i don't want to. i think i need to some how switch to another dream
Amy Shere: or something
Mr. Fluffy Pants: no.. you're still here.
Amy Shere: it's like just because i asked for a lucid dream before i went to bed i got one
Amy Shere: wether i liked it or not
12:45 PM
Mr. Fluffy Pants: have you talked to Shadowstar about this?
Amy Shere: nope but i should
Mr. Fluffy Pants: He's studying altered states of consciousness
Amy Shere: well whatever is happening this is an altered state
Mr. Fluffy Pants: yes
Amy Shere: i have this visual of what happened, it's like i fell asleep and landed back on earth
Amy Shere: or really more like the wizard of ox
Amy Shere: oz
Amy Shere: or alice in wonderland
Mr. Fluffy Pants: Never read alice.
Amy Shere: me either
Mr. Fluffy Pants: ok
Amy Shere: but i've even had realistic CEVs of stuff like the white rabbit from the disney movie
Amy Shere: i should really talk to shadowstar
Mr. Fluffy Pants: i never watched that
Mr. Fluffy Pants: I'm a horrible stoner.
Amy Shere: haha
Mr. Fluffy Pants: Yeah, though, I'd definitely talk to him. He might be able to help you discover what's going on.
12:50 PM
Mr. Fluffy Pants: And I hope you don't really think I'm God, or at least that I'm all of God.
Amy Shere: on no
Amy Shere: god is really just love itself
Mr. Fluffy Pants: ok
Amy Shere: in my mind at least
Mr. Fluffy Pants: you're absolutely correct
Amy Shere: feels like improve theater kind of
Mr. Fluffy Pants: what does, life?
Amy Shere: yeah, that's it
Amy Shere: it's like i'm on a quest
Amy Shere: personal legend or something
Amy Shere: following my dreams
12:55 PM
Amy Shere: it's also like i split into two people
Amy Shere: and both halfs know something the other doesn't
Amy Shere: but we don't agree
Amy Shere: like my heart and my dream or something
Mr. Fluffy Pants: hm
Mr. Fluffy Pants: always better to follow your soul than your mind
Amy Shere: i needed that, i keep forgetting i have one
Amy Shere: another way of putting it is that my life became a lucid dream
Mr. Fluffy Pants: My pastor said this.. and it was words to what I've known for so long. "You don't have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body."
Amy Shere: yeah, i've gotten that one
Mr. Fluffy Pants: why do you feel your life is like a dream?
Amy Shere: because it's like i can switch between the two at will
Amy Shere: like i broke reality
1:00 PM
Amy Shere: and i'm some sort of freak of reality
Amy Shere: like a living paradox
Mr. Fluffy Pants: wow
Mr. Fluffy Pants: I can't really offer insight on this at all because it is so far beyond my realm of experience
Mr. Fluffy Pants: I hope you have a good time on this adventure, though
Amy Shere: thanks
Amy Shere: it's certainly interesting
Mr. Fluffy Pants: I'd bet
Mr. Fluffy Pants: I think i'm falling into some depression
Amy Shere: that sucks
Amy Shere: depression is horrible
Mr. Fluffy Pants: yeah
Mr. Fluffy Pants: yes
Mr. Fluffy Pants: You've probably had it worse than I, though
1:05 PM
Amy Shere: yeah, one of the things i realized is i spent a lot of time trying to convince myself that everyone has it hard
Amy Shere: but some people really do have it easier in life than others
Mr. Fluffy Pants: I'm not so sure about that
Mr. Fluffy Pants: The only true joy comes through self-realization and love
Mr. Fluffy Pants: Without pain, there is no joy.
Amy Shere: i started this out telling myself that there has to be hate in order for there to be love
Mr. Fluffy Pants: The rich can live it up all they want, have all the cars they can buy, do all the coke they can, it's all empty.
Amy Shere: because then there would be no contrast
Mr. Fluffy Pants: That's not what I'm saying though... You can love without knowing hate.
Mr. Fluffy Pants: You cannot be joyful without knowing pain.
Mr. Fluffy Pants: Humans always want more, and they can't be happy until they are reminded (painfully) that they have all they need, they just need to realize it.
Mr. Fluffy Pants: Adam and Eve in the garden had everything a person could want.. direct connection to God, no inhibitions, but they ate of the forbidden fruit anyways
Mr. Fluffy Pants: I know if I hadn't had to work through the problems I've had to, I would not be who I am.
Mr. Fluffy Pants: I'd rather grow through pain and be myself, than be comfortable and have no identity.
1:10 PM
Amy Shere: i think i'm dead
Mr. Fluffy Pants: The only way you're dead is if I'm dead too.
Amy Shere: what if i'm a ghost
Mr. Fluffy Pants: Then you couldn't type.
Amy Shere: how do you know i'm typing for that matter?
Mr. Fluffy Pants: are you?
Amy Shere: i don't actually know
Amy Shere: because you see, i don't think i'm actually in my body
Amy Shere: i think i left my body behind
Mr. Fluffy Pants: sorry, disconnected.
1:15 PM
Amy Shere: and that's how i feel
Amy Shere: it's like i have this hunch that i'm asleep in bed somewhere and the only way out is to wake up
Amy Shere: but it's impossible for me to wake up
Amy Shere: so the only way out is to convince myself i've entered a new dream
Mr. Fluffy Pants: tried willing it?
Amy Shere: i'm not sure i want to wake up yet though
Mr. Fluffy Pants: I'd miss you.
Amy Shere: hmm
Amy Shere: well i'm not entirely sure what will really happen yet, i'm just following the warm feelings
Amy Shere: a niht or two ago a girl came to me in a dream and touched my foot
Amy Shere: and i can still feel it
1:20 PM
Mr. Fluffy Pants: is there any significance to it?
Amy Shere: yeah, it's like we want to switch places or something
Mr. Fluffy Pants: are you going to?
Amy Shere: quite possibly, i'm not convinced she exists ( and i have this voice that tells me she doesn't)
Amy Shere: so becoming her wouldn't really hurt anyone
Mr. Fluffy Pants: except maybe you.. is she from inside you?
Amy Shere: yeah
Amy Shere: but i think i want to slip away anyway
Amy Shere: i got here by convincing myself i'm asleep
Amy Shere: and i've almost left a few times the same way
1:25 PM
Amy Shere: it's like i completely killed off the person i used to be except my body (which is something i hate anyway since i'm transgendered) and this other person is the new me and my consciousness just hasn't entered that body yet
Amy Shere: round about way of dying i guess, but death is just a natural part of life anyway
Amy Shere: regardless, i have to do something
Amy Shere: i just have to work on transitioning somehow, and it has something to do with my sleep patterns
Mr. Fluffy Pants: hm
Mr. Fluffy Pants: I really hope you get some resolution to this.
Mr. Fluffy Pants: And I hope it happens in a way that doesn't damage you, soul, mind or body.
Amy Shere: i think the only thing about me that's really hurting here is my heart
Amy Shere: i get the feeling i need to see a bright white light
Amy Shere: like those rooms in the matrix
1:30 PM
Amy Shere: but yeah, regardless of what happens i need resolution
Amy Shere: thanks
[/b]
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