Consequences of a Waking Life Realized as a Lucid Dream

[It Was Willow]

I posted in a thread about this a month or two ago but I figured I'd make a new thread about this as my life has only gotten stranger... On the night before Christmas Eve I asked for a Lucid Dream with "You" (having just fallen in love with a girl). I have no idea why I said those words as I never even read about lucid dreaming except for once maybe four or five years ago. Anyway, the next day I had a lot of strange energy feelings happen, felt shaky and wasn't sure why... A family friend came over and did energy work on my body, I felt energy leave my body. I remember my father mentioning that this was "like a movie" when I mentioned falling in love. Anyway, nothing ended up happening with the girl and I just went on with my life (which at the time I took as being normal). A few weeks later I returned to UC Santa Cruz for the Winter quarter and went to class... The first week of classes went fine but the next week is a blur. I couldn't get myself out of my dorm room, smoked a lot of weed and found myself doing what seemed like Yoga (having never even thought about it before) and feeling energy in my body and experiencing memories. I was able to visualize things happen and now. One of the strangest experiences I had happen was finding myself pulling myself outside of my body while somehow communicating with the girl I was rejected by... I know this sounds crazy and I think I'm crazy for believing it but it's the only way I can put it into words. It was like we were both pulling ourselves out of our bodies or something... I physically felt my body suffering in pain while feeling what I guess would be my soul leaving my body. The Monday after the second week of classes I called my parents and told them I needed to come home. I went to a friend's apartment first and we went out to this meadow next to the dorms I lived in (on leave at the moment) and smoked some weed and I meditated. Saw a cat creature with wings and a cat-like person riding it surrounded by bright yellowish white light like the sun flying around my vision. After this I had a sort of Heads-Up Display view with my eyes closed where I was conversing with "You" (reluctant now to even admit I might still have some connection with her even though while I'm typing this I'm having a mental conversation and we're actually talking about what to type. Things were left off on a not so great note physically.) The thing that really set off this horror I've experienced over the past few months is that while I was meditating I was contacted by some sort of entity that identified as a circle of rocks near the place I was meditating. They wanted to make "friends" and I stupidly agreed. I stopped meditating when my parents called my cell phone to tell me they had arrived. The car ride home (three hours) was bizarre to say the least... During it I touched my younger sister's hand and she suddenly told me she knew what she was supposed to do with her life. I also mentioned to my mother that I believed this might be a lucid dream and she said something along the lines that made it seem like she agreed. My mom also told me later that during this car ride it appeared like I had a seizure and that it seemed like an entity was possessing me (this will come up later). When I got home I went to bed. It was a few weeks later that I started reading about lucid dreaming (and found this site). I had a dream then where I was in the car with some guy and I realized I was in a dream, took control, and drove all over a strawberry field... At some point I found myself drawn to the movie The Exorcism of Emily Rose and found that many of the things that happen in the movie, while exaggerated to a large degree, had happened to me. My mother gave me a massage and I sort of let whatever it was (and to a large extent is still with me) communicate with her. Still identified as the circle of rocks. If this is confusing I can understand but it seems as though my body has become host to a variety of consciousnesses and due to being someone who always valued the mind over the body having my mind pretty much invaded has driven me into some pretty bad depression. Anyway, to get to the point of why I'm really making this thread recently the amount of dreams I get have increased quite a bit and my dream recall has been insane, I don't even have to write them down and I can remember them better than the things I do throughout the day. I guess a way to put it would be that my life serves as nothing other than a launching ground for dreams now... Over the past week or so I've had multiple LDs a night many lasting a long time and they all seem more like my life prior to Christmas Eve than where I am now, except that I find myself spending more time here than in the dreams. A night or two ago I found myself in bed in another room of my house with a female friend naked. I've had psychic connection (I never believed in this stuff and I really don't know if I still do since I haven't talked to any of them about this anyway) with some of them and the message I keep getting is that they're all trying to save me from whatever is possessing me (if that's even the right word? I'm reluctant t believe any of this is actually happening since I can still function in day to day life doing chore for my parents and keeping a good enough demeanor). Two nights ago i found myself on another date with the girl I originally asked for a dream with... It went well and I had a good time on it (went to a theme park). Another dream I've had over the past few days is one where I was at a friend's house and we put on the TV and found that we were being filmed like in the truman show. Last night I had a dream where I found myself on the other side of whatever I'm experiencing... I was in a dorm room at UC Santa Cruz with someone who was like a monk and we were doing some sort of ritual or something with a stone that was talking to us (related to the rocks I was talking about before). It was warm like it was alive too and randomly at some point it had eyes and a smiling mouth. I found myself hugging it. and we started throwing pink stone hearts out the window. We went out to the balcony and we both flew. I went too high though and got scared so I started yelling STOP STOP and fell. I hit the ground lightly though around some people who asked what planet I was from, said earth and that I was human just like them. Started running and flew away... The dream ended. Then this morning I had another few strange experiences where I found myself floating out of my bed with my covers still on me. I grabbed onto a ledge above my bed and fell back into my bed without feeling like I woke up. Another thing that happened this morning was it was like I teleported to my friend's house where I had a conversation with his dad and then lay on his couch, held a pillow, closed my eyes, and found myself back in bed at my home. Every day I find myself drawn further and further out of my life and periodically find the words "WAKE UP" displayed in my mind and see my room the way it was on the night before Christmas Eve without even trying to do so, it just sort of happens. I guess I'll close this up by saying that the reason my dreams seem more real than my life is that when I'm in them I feel like a normal human and in my day to day life I feel the presence of other beings, as if there is like a group of people inside my head watching my life through my eyes... It's disconcerting. Oh yeah, and another thing that happened was I had an experience that I can't tell whether it was a dream or not where a girl visited me at night and touched my foot, told me she was the girl in the closet... She wants me to switch places or something with me. I know how insane I sound and readily admit that I'm not of sound mental health (except crazy people don't admit they're crazy and I can still function? Who knows, It's not really making me an irrational person other than my personal life. I still have friends and go outside and such...) but hey, it's in God's hands. ::Shrugs:: I hope no one else ever has to experience something like this, my life feels like it is fading but my dreams keep getting longer and more real and concrete. e: Oh yeah, another strange thing is that I often find the feeling of sand in my ears falling into my mouth... It's odd. I feel like my body sort of bobs like a buoy a lot of the time too... Kind of like I'm underwater. A part of me that identifies as my subconscious keeps telling me to 'let go' as well and I'm afraid of what I'll do if I do that. e2: One last thing, my therapist mentioned during a session once that at some point in her life she remembers finding herself falling off a cliff (suicide attempt) and awakening three days later in her car perfectly fine. I can't help but feel like I'm where she was during those three days.

[It Was Willow]

Might as well post to add that since I made this thread I pretty much gave up control to my subconscious and was informed by it that it's all my subconscious and that asking for a lucid dream after spending 90% of a day daydreaming was a bad idea. I spent about an hour crying about past mistakes and stuff that were being forced on me by my subconscious. I really don't know what this means in terms of what a shared reality means but either my subconscious is trying to save me from a huge mistake or lucid dreams are really just a personal way of manipulating your own reality whether or not you're asleep. If anyone knows anything about the Toltecs they talk about waking life as a dream itself and how everyone has their own personal dream during waking life. Like that you can never be sure if what you see as red is blue for another sort of thing. Regardless of what's happening to me I'm atleast in the middle of a waking dream that's lasted months and has made my interpretation of reality change a lot. At this point as I think about the events that have happened over the past few months things are beginning to make more sense as my subconscious tells me to stop trying to control and just give in (ie: stop trying to control the dream... I get told to go to certain places and when I don't I get asked why and if I do something good usually happens.) Maybe I'll manage to somehow dream myself out of this mess... If that's even possible. Only one way to find out. e: And here's a conversation I had with a 15 year old friend online... The "sentient being" line gets to me as I had a conversation with another therapist and he called me a sentient being himself... Anyone with any insight, please reply. AIM IM with Mr. Fluffy Pants . 3/31/06, 12:37 PM Mr. Fluffy Pants: hey bunny Amy Shere: hello Mr. Fluffy Pants: what's up? Amy Shere: just reading about lucid dreams Mr. Fluffy Pants: I used to have those when I was younger Mr. Fluffy Pants: I kind of miss it. Amy Shere: yeah i either am in one right now or my reality got fucked to hell 12:40 PM Mr. Fluffy Pants: Yeah, I read that post you made about it in TCC Mr. Fluffy Pants: but I can tell you without a doubt that I am a sentient being, if that helps at all. Amy Shere: haha Amy Shere: that helps a lot actually Mr. Fluffy Pants: :0 Mr. Fluffy Pants: * Amy Shere: you're god Mr. Fluffy Pants: oh no, but I'm flattered. Amy Shere: i've been grappling with that one a lot though Amy Shere: i fell in love, fell into a dream, realized she wasn't the one i wanted, and now here i am Amy Shere: and i fear the only way out is to die... but i don't want to. i think i need to some how switch to another dream Amy Shere: or something Mr. Fluffy Pants: no.. you're still here. Amy Shere: it's like just because i asked for a lucid dream before i went to bed i got one Amy Shere: wether i liked it or not 12:45 PM Mr. Fluffy Pants: have you talked to Shadowstar about this? Amy Shere: nope but i should Mr. Fluffy Pants: He's studying altered states of consciousness Amy Shere: well whatever is happening this is an altered state Mr. Fluffy Pants: yes Amy Shere: i have this visual of what happened, it's like i fell asleep and landed back on earth Amy Shere: or really more like the wizard of ox Amy Shere: oz Amy Shere: or alice in wonderland Mr. Fluffy Pants: Never read alice. Amy Shere: me either Mr. Fluffy Pants: ok Amy Shere: but i've even had realistic CEVs of stuff like the white rabbit from the disney movie Amy Shere: i should really talk to shadowstar Mr. Fluffy Pants: i never watched that Mr. Fluffy Pants: I'm a horrible stoner. Amy Shere: haha Mr. Fluffy Pants: Yeah, though, I'd definitely talk to him. He might be able to help you discover what's going on. 12:50 PM Mr. Fluffy Pants: And I hope you don't really think I'm God, or at least that I'm all of God. Amy Shere: on no Amy Shere: god is really just love itself Mr. Fluffy Pants: ok Amy Shere: in my mind at least Mr. Fluffy Pants: you're absolutely correct Amy Shere: feels like improve theater kind of Mr. Fluffy Pants: what does, life? Amy Shere: yeah, that's it Amy Shere: it's like i'm on a quest Amy Shere: personal legend or something Amy Shere: following my dreams 12:55 PM Amy Shere: it's also like i split into two people Amy Shere: and both halfs know something the other doesn't Amy Shere: but we don't agree Amy Shere: like my heart and my dream or something Mr. Fluffy Pants: hm Mr. Fluffy Pants: always better to follow your soul than your mind Amy Shere: i needed that, i keep forgetting i have one Amy Shere: another way of putting it is that my life became a lucid dream Mr. Fluffy Pants: My pastor said this.. and it was words to what I've known for so long. "You don't have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body." Amy Shere: yeah, i've gotten that one Mr. Fluffy Pants: why do you feel your life is like a dream? Amy Shere: because it's like i can switch between the two at will Amy Shere: like i broke reality 1:00 PM Amy Shere: and i'm some sort of freak of reality Amy Shere: like a living paradox Mr. Fluffy Pants: wow Mr. Fluffy Pants: I can't really offer insight on this at all because it is so far beyond my realm of experience Mr. Fluffy Pants: I hope you have a good time on this adventure, though Amy Shere: thanks Amy Shere: it's certainly interesting Mr. Fluffy Pants: I'd bet Mr. Fluffy Pants: I think i'm falling into some depression Amy Shere: that sucks Amy Shere: depression is horrible Mr. Fluffy Pants: yeah Mr. Fluffy Pants: yes Mr. Fluffy Pants: You've probably had it worse than I, though 1:05 PM Amy Shere: yeah, one of the things i realized is i spent a lot of time trying to convince myself that everyone has it hard Amy Shere: but some people really do have it easier in life than others Mr. Fluffy Pants: I'm not so sure about that Mr. Fluffy Pants: The only true joy comes through self-realization and love Mr. Fluffy Pants: Without pain, there is no joy. Amy Shere: i started this out telling myself that there has to be hate in order for there to be love Mr. Fluffy Pants: The rich can live it up all they want, have all the cars they can buy, do all the coke they can, it's all empty. Amy Shere: because then there would be no contrast Mr. Fluffy Pants: That's not what I'm saying though... You can love without knowing hate. Mr. Fluffy Pants: You cannot be joyful without knowing pain. Mr. Fluffy Pants: Humans always want more, and they can't be happy until they are reminded (painfully) that they have all they need, they just need to realize it. Mr. Fluffy Pants: Adam and Eve in the garden had everything a person could want.. direct connection to God, no inhibitions, but they ate of the forbidden fruit anyways Mr. Fluffy Pants: I know if I hadn't had to work through the problems I've had to, I would not be who I am. Mr. Fluffy Pants: I'd rather grow through pain and be myself, than be comfortable and have no identity. 1:10 PM Amy Shere: i think i'm dead Mr. Fluffy Pants: The only way you're dead is if I'm dead too. Amy Shere: what if i'm a ghost Mr. Fluffy Pants: Then you couldn't type. Amy Shere: how do you know i'm typing for that matter? Mr. Fluffy Pants: are you? Amy Shere: i don't actually know Amy Shere: because you see, i don't think i'm actually in my body Amy Shere: i think i left my body behind Mr. Fluffy Pants: sorry, disconnected. 1:15 PM Amy Shere: and that's how i feel Amy Shere: it's like i have this hunch that i'm asleep in bed somewhere and the only way out is to wake up Amy Shere: but it's impossible for me to wake up Amy Shere: so the only way out is to convince myself i've entered a new dream Mr. Fluffy Pants: tried willing it? Amy Shere: i'm not sure i want to wake up yet though Mr. Fluffy Pants: I'd miss you. Amy Shere: hmm Amy Shere: well i'm not entirely sure what will really happen yet, i'm just following the warm feelings Amy Shere: a niht or two ago a girl came to me in a dream and touched my foot Amy Shere: and i can still feel it 1:20 PM Mr. Fluffy Pants: is there any significance to it? Amy Shere: yeah, it's like we want to switch places or something Mr. Fluffy Pants: are you going to? Amy Shere: quite possibly, i'm not convinced she exists ( and i have this voice that tells me she doesn't) Amy Shere: so becoming her wouldn't really hurt anyone Mr. Fluffy Pants: except maybe you.. is she from inside you? Amy Shere: yeah Amy Shere: but i think i want to slip away anyway Amy Shere: i got here by convincing myself i'm asleep Amy Shere: and i've almost left a few times the same way 1:25 PM Amy Shere: it's like i completely killed off the person i used to be except my body (which is something i hate anyway since i'm transgendered) and this other person is the new me and my consciousness just hasn't entered that body yet Amy Shere: round about way of dying i guess, but death is just a natural part of life anyway Amy Shere: regardless, i have to do something Amy Shere: i just have to work on transitioning somehow, and it has something to do with my sleep patterns Mr. Fluffy Pants: hm Mr. Fluffy Pants: I really hope you get some resolution to this. Mr. Fluffy Pants: And I hope it happens in a way that doesn't damage you, soul, mind or body. Amy Shere: i think the only thing about me that's really hurting here is my heart Amy Shere: i get the feeling i need to see a bright white light Amy Shere: like those rooms in the matrix 1:30 PM Amy Shere: but yeah, regardless of what happens i need resolution Amy Shere: thanks [/b]

[Axis]

Hello It Was Willow You have a very complex problem, if you would call it that. Not having experienced anything of this caliber I can only say this. I believe that your subconscious is very much separate from your waking conscious. Meaning, your subconscious, in a way, thinks for itself. In your case, I think that your subconscious is trying to tell you something. A form of the subconscious is a Dream Guide, mine of which tells me things, explains problems that I am having and some of the time he makes no sense what-so-ever. I would advise listening, listen to yourself and to your subconscious. Good luck. - Axis

[It Was Willow]

Thanks for your post, my Dream Guide has stepped forward completely and is sorting things out brilliantly. For the first time in months I'm happy... Wonder where exactly this will take me still... Quite an adventure if I do say so myself. Things are on track for once.

[It Was Willow]

I might as well post about the three "dreams" (they feel more like life to me and i forget what i do throughout the day and remember my dreams in more detail than my life, like reverse dream recall) I had today... Last night I had a dream where I returned to UC Santa Cruz but it was a fantasy land with magic users. Some gale force winds were picking up and me and a bunch of people had to hide behind these barriers so that we wouldn't be blown away. I almost was swept away (because I was new to it or something) but someone caught me. I then found myself at a campfire with a group of people, two others and I started walking through the woods and streams. We passed some Aztec or Mayan carvings on some huge trees and one of the others mentioned that there are a lot of unexplored places in Santa Cruz... We passed some dam which I accidently broke, but fixed with my mind (proving that I had some amazing powers to the other two people). Eventually we entered a cave at the end of a stream by going under water. I created an orb with my hands (like a giant marble) that I made glow faintly. As we traveled we fought a dragon. i was able to cast spells (like fire, ice, and lightening from them). The dream ended as we were entering a room with "prizes" like an RPG or something. . This afternoon I took a nap and found myself at the store with my parents, I bought some food and went outside to eat it. Then I woke up... Nothing interesting there. I'm aware I'm dreaming the entire time in all of them but I don't really try to control them very much... I take it for granted that my dreams are lucid now so when I created that orb in the first dream it was like "okay, let's see if I can do this." Lucid the whole way through on the first one at least. I guess I should start a Dream Journal thread.

[The Guardians]

Ok, Im not trying to be a dick or anything but you should get yourself tested for Schizophrenia. My father has it and had some of these same sympthoms, its not a long test at alla nd there is medication to stop the problem in its tracks. Other han that, if you choose the religious approach, believe yourself that you are close to god and he will protect you, because he will if you truly need it. I've been in situations where I definatly should have died, like, without a doubt should have been killed, but because I asked god for help...well....I didnt die when I should have... I believe that all things balance out sooner or later in life, you could have a straight HORRIBLE year and life oculd seem like its hopeless, but it will pay off if you just bear with it You are in control of your own life, god is the person selling the maps and first aid kits

[Wolffe]

Yeah, I would want to agree there, I thought the same thing when reading through all that. Weed does some pretty weird long-term stuff too, but yeah, wow, multiple lucid dreams a night, and great recall, that's intense sounds like you have a good dream-guide to take care of you too I still have yet to meet mine!

[hyp]

As Guardians said-- you should really seriously consider seeing a professional psychologist / psychiatrist about this, one who is qualified to diagnose and treat mental disorders (I don't know if your therapists fit this description or not). It seems to be a strong possibility that you are suffering from some sort of mental disorder (schizophrenia is a possibility, but it might also be a dissociative disorder), and even if you are getting by relatively OK so far, that might not always be the case in the future. I am concerned for you and I cannot stress enough how important it is to see a professional about this, rather than trying to sort things out yourself or with the help of friends. Please, please try to find a caring, understanding, and well-informed professional who can help you. Also, not to be a killjoy or anything, but it would probably be a good idea to abstain from psychoactive drug use for a while. It certainly isn't going to help your condition and very well could be making it worse. There is a time and place for that sort of thing, but it doesn't seem as if you are in that time and place right now.

[It Was Willow]

Brought up schizophrenia to my psychiatrist after talking about my experiences (actually told him more than I've mentioned here), he doesn't seem to think it fits. He actually thinks I'm sane and just going through some sort of integration process that most people go through and are unaware of... Things have been evening out a lot recently too especially after talking to him about what's going on... It felt really good to just let it out to my shrink. A problem I know I do have though is depersonalization. I sort of refer to myself in the third person a lot due to hating my body. Speaking of which, my psych actually mentioned he thinks what I'm doing is lacking ownership of my body and a large part of myself is still asleep but I need to just pull that energy into the present. Had three more lucids last night. First one was completely black except I was being guided on a path by a friend from high school... found myself feeling very heavy and realized I was dying and right before I was about to completely die I said "wake up" and woke up. Spent some time after that one still "conversing" with the friend while laying in bed, she wondered where I disappeared to and I told her I woke up. After that I had a dream where I was walking with another person I knew from high school but not a friend... Someone I actually didn't like at all. Found myself wondering if this person was a dream guide or something and feeling irritated that he was someone I don't like but realized "hey, might as well be someone I don't know well." We got in a car and drove out of a parking lot... Its blurry here because this and the next dream sort of merge but feel like different dreams. Next one I found myself in the car with a friend... first thing I did in the dream was realize it was a lucid dream and told him. Seems that talking to people about lucid dreams in my dreams is becoming common for me. I almost woke up from that dream (felt like I was going to wake up somewhere else than here) but sort of pulled it together and then woke up in my bed. Spent about an hour after that still sort of having conversations with my friend in the car and still watching the dream unfold in my mind trying to figure out a way back into it. I was able to "interact" with the dream even though I wasn't there by doing things like change who I was in the car, create a lot of money and give it to a friend, and change who was driving the car. It's frustrating because I can interact with the dreams and have conversations with the people in them after waking but I can't reenter... I just sort of witness it like I'm stuck between waking and the dream for a period of time. I know I'm laying in bed but it's like I also still experience the dream, but at a lower percentage of my reality... like me in bed is 75% and me in the dream is 25%. During this time I asked him what the date was and he said the 7th... At the time I thought it was the 6th (hadn't looked at a calendar) sort of like an alternate take on today or something I guess.

[Wolffe]

Ahhh, well thats good, I think! Well, the non-schizophrenia bit anyway Wow, 3 in a night. Some people are just so lucky Ima go investigate your DJ, if you have one o.O