I figured I knew better than to cook breakfast, as I am still half asleep while operating flaming hot machinery and sharp things. Well what did I do? I tried to make scrambled eggs. These were gonna be perfect too.... they had cheese, hot sauce, half n half, and more cheese. I took a non stick pan, sprayed it (I'm a dumbass), then I turned up the heat to Dante's Inferno (just hotter than the ungodly setting). That was a dumb thing to do enough, as non stick pans don't do high temperatures well. Then, I walked off. GREAT. I heard something like bacon as the extra non stick spray I put in the pan was popping and jumping out of the pan like little damned souls trying to escape the burning hell that was the pan, and then I smelled something like a rotting cow. I ran into the kitchen, and poured the lumpy mass into the pan. It solidified instantly, then turned brown and peeled away from the edges like a leper's skin after being sprayed with hydrochloric acid. The smell made my eyes water (then again, that might just have been the pain that the eggs were feeling), and I tried desperately to save the liquid chickens. The half n half curdled, the eggs shriveled like burning corpses in a furnace, the hot sauce I think evaporated and jumped into my nose, and the cheese half melted and skiddled out of the pan. It turned from soup to "good-lord-almighty-that-is-unspeakably-foul" in 7 seconds. Then, I TRIED TO EAT THE BLOODY MASS. It piddled on my plate like a not-yet-housebroken dog, and I got this wet, jiggly thing that of which looked like Bizzaro Jell-O.

When I closed my eyes, it almost tasted like hamburger, so I guess it wasn't a completely hellish experience.
Those eggs better not get too comfortable in my belly, as they should be relocated soon into a dumpster.