DONT CENSOR ME!!
ok ill stop
Printable View
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially all
the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why
they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then
for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was:
'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback! '
I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"
There was this couple who had a young 5 year old boy and though he appeared to be a healthy normal child, his mother was concerned about his rather tiny penis. They decided to take their son to the doctor for professional advice.
At the doctors office after their son was given a thorough examination the doctor said: your son seems like a healthy normal boy but if you want to take care of the problem just feed him pancakes.
Next morning when the boy comes to the breakfast table he see,s this big huge stack of warm steaming pancakes!!..he says: wow mom are they all for me?.....just take 2 the rest are for your father.
what do u tell a woman with 2 black eyes?
nothin u already told her twice
what do u call a woman with no asshole?
single
how can u tell a tough lesbian bar?
even the pooltable has no balls
how can u tell a woman is wearing pantyhose?
when she farts her ankles swell
what do u call a blonde with ponytails?
a blowjob with handlebars
what do u call a smart blonde?
a golden retriever
Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?
He stayed up all night, wondering if there really is a dog.
Why did the drug addict cross the road?
To try the next pawn shop.
What do you call 100 thousand people putting their hands in the air?
The French Army.
What does a blonde say after making love?
"Are all you guys on the same team?"
How many sexist men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. Let the bitch cook in the dark.
How do you keep a lawyer from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
A blonde called her boyfriend and asked him to come to her apartment because she was having trouble putting together a puzzle. He first tried to help her over the phone. She told him that she had been working on it for hours but she hadn't found any matching pieces yet. He asked what the puzzle was supposed to look like, and she told him that according to the box, it is a picture of a tiger. He was not able to help her at all on the phone, so he went to her apartment. When he got there, she was crying, saying that she had not gotten any pieces together at all. She handed him the box, and it was a box of Frosted Flakes.
a brunette and a blonde are waiting at the bus stop. as the bus comes to a hault and the door opens, the brunette sticks her head in and asks; excuse me sir but will this bus take me to 5th. street?..the driver replies; no mam i,m sorry. Just after that the blonde sticks her head in and asks; will it take me?
how do you get the one armed man ouf of the tree?
wave to him
what was he doing in the tree in the first place?
raking the leaves
did you hear about the one legged guy they hired at the beer brewery?
he was in charge of hopps
did you hear about the guy with 5 dicks?
his pants fit him like a glove
there was a man walking around wearing glass pants!..so I told him: I thought you were crazy but I can clearly see your nuts.
Military victories - what the fuck are you talking about?! :wink:
http://z.about.com/d/politicalhumor/...gleresults.jpg
The yanks should like this one - complete with stars and stripes pacifier!
http://z.about.com/d/politicalhumor/...ench_knife.gif
That's enough French bashing for the next five minutes or so.
__________
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Australian on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."
When the Australian remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop."
__________
• Are you harboring a fugitive?
Hu Yu Hai Ding?
• Small Horse
Tai Ni Po Ni
• Did you go to the beach?
Wai Yu So Tan?
• I bumped into a coffee table
Ai Bang Mai Ni
• Has your flight been delayed?
Hao Long Wei Ting?
• An unauthorized execution
Lin Ching
• I thought you were on a diet
Wai Yu Mun Ching?
• He's cleaning his automobile
Wa Shing Ka
• I think you need a facelift
Chin Tu Fat
Why does the bride always wear white?
Because the new dishwasher needs to match the fridge and the stove.
How long does it take a girl to cum?
Who cares.
Three men went to hell.
The devil said to them "You have come to hell, and you must now choose whether to spend eternity in room 1, 2 or 3"
He then opened the doors to the three rooms.
Room 1 was filled with men standing on their heads, on a hard wooden floor.
Room 2 was filled with men standing on the heads, on a cement floor.
Finally, room 3 had just a few men, standing in shit up to their knees and drinking coffee.
The men thought for a while, and decided to go with room 3, as it was less crowded and they could drink coffee.
They entered the door to room 3 and just as it was closing behind them, the devil said "OK men, coffee break's over. Back on your heads."
My ex-girlfriend is like a pack of cards ...
... You need a heart to love her
... A diamond to marry her
... A club to smash her head in
... And a spade to bury the bitch
Two guys decide to go hunting. Jack is an experienced hunter and he decides to take his friend Mark on the hunting trip with him. On the way there Jack explains to Mark that the most important thing about hunting is to remain calm and quiet at all times and just to remain patient.
As the day goes on, the 2 friends seem to be doing fine when all of a sudden Jack hears this loud scream coming from his friend Mark who is about 50 yards away! When Jack reaches Mark he says: what the hell happened? I thought I told u to be as quiet as u can? Mark replys;
When the black bear came out of the bush and started mauling me...I stayed quiet. and when the rattle snake bit me on the ankle...I stayed quiet, I didn,t even make a peep, but when the 2 chipmunks ran up my pant leg and said; shall we eat them now or take them with us?....I screamed!!! :lol:
how many irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
11, one to hold the lightbulb and the rest to drink till the room spins
how many ADD children does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
lets go play bikes!
How many Belgian people does it take to baptise a ship?
1 to hold the bottle of Champagne, 1000 to throw the boat.
What do you call a terrorist on the moon?
A problem.
What do you call two terrorists on the moon?
Two problems.
What do you call all the terrorist on the moon?
Problem solved.
What do you call a chav in a box?
Innit
What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet?
Sorted
What do you call a chav in a box with a padlock on it?
Safe
Why are chavs similar to slinkies?
They have no real purpose, but it's a good laugh to watch one fall down the stairs.
What do you call a chav in a ferrari?
A theif
Why is it a shame to watch a Vauxhall Nova with a chav driver fall off a cliff?
A nova seats 5
You forgot;Quote:
What do you call a chav in a box?
Innit
What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet?
Sorted
What do you call a chav in a box with a padlock on it?
Safe
Why are chavs similar to slinkies?
They have no real purpose, but it's a good laugh to watch one fall down the stairs.
What do you call a chav in a ferrari?
A theif
Why is it a shame to watch a Vauxhall Nova with a chav driver fall off a cliff?
A nova seats 5
[/b]
What do you call a chav in a blender?
moosh
It never ceases to amaze me, all the media hype on chavs
there's nought new about them
when I was a kid, they were called rude-boys
well, anyway....
They still call them rude boys where I live.
Really they're alright. They're just cocky, big-headed, irritating, aggressive poor people with nothing better to do than sit around drinking cider and taking pills.
Of course the tiny chavsters start off with glue, then work their way up to pills!
Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."
Quick riddle
Why is it that if a door is open its called ajar but if a jar is open its not called a door?
A woman goes up a skyscraper and into a bar. She sees this man drinking a beer delightfully, and asks him what brand it is. He replies, 'Oh, it's a super beer!'
The man takes a sip, jumps out the window, flys around 3 times and then comes back.
'Wow!' Says the woman. 'Can I have some?'. The man nodded. The woman took a sip, jumped out the window, and fell 23 storeys.
The bartender turns to the man and says 'You really have to stop doing that Superman!'
^^ LOL