*Poem* Is it a Deal? *Poem*

[mindwanderer]

Quick poem I threw together. Jumps around as far as rhyme scheme... and the timing and stresses are a bit odd, but I've read it through a few times aloud and it does work. edit: Btw, the last bit is my favorite. And the first bit is my least favorite. Let me know which bits you like, and which you don't! Constructive Crit is appreciated! Is it a Deal? A warm and quiet autumn day orange and yellow in the sun's rays When an angry being, far below sent up it's creatures, and now will show Angels, ghosts, and deadly things Vengence and justice they will bring For judgement day is here at last considering the sins that passed Sky has darkened your time is done don't be disheartened for hell may shun your righteous deeds and godly ways might save you from the devils maze of decay of agony and of pure loss. But ho' a final test awaits Will you suceed and take the bait? For satan rises from his throne to issue you a final pledge Eternity with death and bones If you agree to climb the ledge To servitude for ever more To satan and his massive hordes Spared from the pain of body and mind You just must sign, and your soul bind "So it's a deal?" The devil asked "Regardless of your tattered past I will accept you as you are and free you from this tyrant's bars. For the god you love does not love you, he loves the power and the new souls that he takes up to his land to wallow under his opressive hand. For I was too, a man of god Who followed every single law. But then one day I saw the truth of god and his restrictive noose which tightens 'round the mortal man and drags him to his onerous land. But I, however, am a better choice as I give my whole legion a voice and listen very closely to what they want for me to do. One more time, I'll ask again. Is it a deal?

[Xaqaria]

Yeah, that's pretty good. There are a few parts that get locked in a sing songy rhythm, and I think the last line of the first stanza should read, "considering the sins that have passed"

[Zhaylin]

Wow! I like it a great deal! The roughest bit, for me, is: "For satan rises from his throne to issue you a final pledge Eternity with death and bones If you agree to climb the ledge To servitude for ever more To satan and his massive hordes Spared from the pain of body and mind You just must sign, and your soul bind" And the last bit is somehow ??? "But I, however, am a better choice as I give my whole legion a voice and listen very closely to what they want for me to do. One more time, I'll ask again. Is it a deal?" To break it down further (something I'm unfortunately obsessed with re: my own poems): Keep in mind, this it nit-picking. You have an excellent poem. With a little tweaking it could be awesomely superb For my own work, I tend to break everything down by syllables. For your work, at the end of each line, I'll write a number/s to illustrate the flow. "A warm and quiet autumn day 8 orange and yellow in the sun's rays 8 (but too forced and ends with "s") When an angry being, far below 9 sent up it's creatures, and now will show 9 (love those 2) Angels, ghosts, and deadly things 7 Vengence and justice they will bring 8 For judgement day is here at last 8 considering the sins that passed 8 Sky has darkened 4 your time is done 4 don't be disheartened 5 for hell may shun 4 your righteous deeds 4 (This and the next line confuse*) and godly ways 4 might save you from 4 the devils maze 4 of decay 3 of agony 4 and of pure loss. 4 [* to read it as a sentence, "for hell may shun your righteous deeds and godly ways" but then the words are somehow lost with "might save you from the devil's maze". In my most humble opinion, it may be better to separate them completely, though you'd have to work it in, as in "for hell may shun your righteous deeds." "You're godly ways might save you from the devil's maze" Obviously, as I wrote it, it sucks lol. I wouldn't take out either or those lines though. They're great. They just need to compliment each other better. My other problem with the entire second bit (stanza? no... forgive my lack of literary exactness) is that it seems to separate completely from your original work. The first bit rhymed every 2 lines. But here, the rhyme and rhythm is more chaotic and disjointed.] But ho' 2 a final test awaits 6 Will you suceed 4 and take the bait? 4 For satan rises from his throne 8 to issue you a final pledge 8 Eternity with death and bones 8 (ends in "s") If you agree to climb the ledge 8 To servitude for ever more 8 To satan and his massive hordes 8 (end's in "es" lol) Spared from the pain of body and mind 9 (the last 2 feel too forced) You just must sign, and your soul bind 8 [Again, just tweak it a little to smooth out the flow. Every other line starts out rhyming, then you switch the last two] "So it's a deal?" The devil asked 8 "Regardless of your tattered past 8 (LOVE those!) I will accept you as you are 8 and free you from this tyrant's bars. 8 (eh, the whole "s" thing again ) For the god you love does not love you, 9 he loves the power and the new 8 (doesn't mesh well *) souls that he takes up to his land 8 to wallow under his opressive hand. 10 (too "long") For I was too, a man of god 8 (Love this) Who followed every single law. 8 (starts getting chaotic) But then one day I saw the truth 8 of god and his restrictive noose 8 (LOVE these 2 as well!) which tightens 'round the mortal man 8 and drags him to his onerous land. 8 (? not really familiar with "onerous" but I get the gist) But I, however, am a better choice 10 (too forced and long) as I give my whole legion a voice 9 (too forced re "legion" *) and listen very closely to 8 what they want for me to do. 7 One more time, I'll ask again. 7 Is it a deal? " 4 (could you make it longer?) [*The last bit is too long compared to the rest. You start with 8 lines then go to.......... 8 (to start) 11 4 8 20 (end) for a total of 51 lines (if my math's right ) "So it's a deal?" The devil asked "Regardless of your tattered past I will accept you as you are and free you from this tyrant's bars. For the god you love does not love you, he loves the power and the new souls that he takes up to his land to wallow under his opressive hand." (break at 8?) "For I was too, a man of god Who followed every single law. But then one day I saw the truth of god and his restrictive noose which tightens 'round the mortal man and drags him to his onerous land. But I, however, am a better choice as I give my whole legion a voice" (A break doesn't work here, but seeing how you have the one bit with 4 lines, there are 4 lines left off in this chunk. Could you make another interlude to keep the poem true to form?) and listen very closely to what they want for me to do. One more time, I'll ask again. Is it a deal? " As for the bit with 11 lines, there are a few short ones you could combine into something a little bigger. For instance only: 1)Sky has darkened your time is done 2)don't be disheartened for hell may shun 3)your righteous deeds and godly ways 4)might save you from the devils maze 5){decay and agony you'll come across (too "long" lol) 6){thoughts of grief, of purest loss} 7)_______ 8)_______ Keep up the great work! Oh... "But I, however, am a better choice as I give my whole legion a voice" (perhaps something like "for to my whole legion I give a voice" might help the flow even though those two lines are a bit longer than the rest). **EDIT** again. Have you ever heard of zoetrope.com? I haven't been there in ages, but it was a great place for writers.

[mindwanderer]

Wow! Thanks! You put a lot of work into this! I'll clarify a few parts though. I knew full well going into this that I would (and also completely intended to) have a few different rhyme schemes. Also, some of the weirder "off beat" parts that go against the rules were intended. I do however completely agree with a lot of the more specific things you brought up! Thanks a ton! And like I said, I've read this aloud to myself a few times as is, and although it works... it's takes some 'flexibility' and stretching on the readers part to get it right... so I could've done a lot better. Also, regarding this part don't be disheartened for hell may shun your righteous deeds and godly ways might save you from the devils maze of decay of agony and of pure loss. I fully intended for that ending to be kinda chaotic and offbeat. And in my mind, the sentence ends after shun. I see why it would be read as hell shunning your righteous deeds and godly ways, but I kinda dropped the ball as far as clarity Thanks again!

[Zhaylin]

Any time That's the first time, in a REALLY long time, that I loved a poem enough to break it down so much. So, you definitely didn't drop the ball IMHO. Keep the poems coming