A hot story I wrote about Catgirl love

**slayer** · 04-15-2011 12:48 AM

Nothing hot yet, but it'll get there sooner or later...
Also, serious constructive criticism please.

Sadie walked out of her bedroom with a big smile on her face. She felt overly confident today. She was asked by her master, everyone’s master, to help take care of laundry. Not only did this mean she got to get away from the East Wing, but it also meant she got to talk with Ellie. The Mansion is divided into three wings; East, South, and West. Inside the Mansion, it was split in half and every Catgirl that worked in the Mansion was assigned a side. Certain Catgirls working inside the Mansion are assigned to taking care of the South Wing, which is the backyard of the Mansion. Sadie was assigned to the East Wing, while Ellie was assigned to the West Wing.

Sadie has fallen in love with Ellie, but hasn’t confessed it yet. She wasn’t sure if she’d get to see or talk to Ellie much, but she didn’t mind. As she walked toward the West Wing, she was approached by a rather tall Catgirl. Her maid dress was designed slightly different than Sadie’s. The tall Catgirl stood there with her arms crossed, leaning to the side a little, with a very orderly look on her face. She spoke, “You’re Sadie?”

Sadie stood to attention at the sound of the tall Catgirl’s voice. “Yes!” exclaimed Sadie, “I was asked by Master to help with the West Wing today!”

“I already know why you’re here. You were assigned to take care of laundry.” Said the tall Catgirl, “My name is Isabella, and I’ll be the one in charge of showing you what to do.”

Sadie bowed her head, “Thank you Miss Isabella!”

“You don’t have to address me as Miss,” Isabella said as she placed her hand on her head in a face-palming notion. “Follow me, let’s get started.” Isabella ordered.

Sadie was curious about why Isabella’s dress was different, so she asked “Excuse me Miss Isabella, but why is your dress different than mine? Everyone in the East Wing has the same dress.”

Isabella let out a sigh when she heard Sadie call her Miss again, “East Wing and West Wing both have different dresses so you can tell us apart. Although we’re generally the same on each end, it will at least let people know that you’re not from this area.”
Sadie and Isabella approached one of the many laundry rooms. “I take it you’re not normally assigned to do laundry?” asked Isabella.

“No, my duties consist of mopping, dusting, and vacuuming.” Sadie said in a well-mannered voice.

“Alright, anyway let me show what you’ll need.” Isabella said as she walked around the laundry room with Sadie, pointing out clothes baskets as well as fabric softener and other laundry related cleaning products. “You at least know how to do laundry right?” Isabella asked.

“Yes, of course!” Sadie said happily.

“Ok, grab a few baskets and follow me.” Isabella ordered.

Sadie grabbed as many baskets as she could hold. Isabella explained to Sadie that she will go to each Catgirls bedroom door, knock on it and ask whoever is inside for their laundry. Sadie knew this was going to be an easy job, but there are a lot of Catgirls and rooms so this would take a while. She walked from door to door, asking for laundry and handing baskets out to be picked up later. She was running down to her last few baskets, when she finally came to one of the bedroom doors that had Ellie’s name on it.

Sadie stood in front of it. Her heart was pounding. She lifted her arm up to knock on the door, but she hesitated while doing so. She was still too shy to talk to Ellie face to face. She let out a small sigh, then took in a deep breath while puffing her chest out in confidence. She knocked on the door and put a warm smile on her face. The door opened slowly with Ellie standing right there, in front of Sadie.

Sadie just stood there, with her warm smile starring at Ellie. There was silence between two. Sadie’s face quickly realized she was starring and immediately became embarrassed, her face turning red. Ellie tilted her head to one side, where she started to say, “Laun-“

“Laundry!” Sadie exclaimed, interrupting Ellie while reaching the basket out toward her. Ellie took the basket out of Sadie’s hands.

“Thank y-“ Ellie began to say.

“You’re welcome!” Sadie said once again interrupting Ellie. She quickly walked away back toward the laundry room. As she neared the laundry room, she saw that Isabella had already picked up the laundry baskets she sat out earlier.

“I went ahead and grabbed your baskets. Go ahead and start throwing them in the washer and I’ll pick up the rest of the laundry and bring them back.” Isabella told Sadie.

“Alright…” Sadie nodded toward Isabella.

Isabella had to make a few runs to get all the baskets. She finally returned with one basket left, which was Ellie’s. “This is the last one, once all the clothes are in the washer you can go and take a break. I’ll put them in the dryer and after they’re done in there, you’ll get to fold them and put them back.” Isabella told Sadie as she sat Ellie’s basket against one of the washers, by itself.

Sadie quickly threw clothes out of each basket into a different washer. She mixed in different cleaning supplies and turned each washer on. She was used to working hard, but her body started to become hot. It felt different than usual. She didn’t think much about it and walked over to Ellie’s basket. She picked up Ellie’s dresses that were laying on top and tossed them into the washer. She pulled out socks, shirts, pants, as well as some towels and rags. As she pulled out different items of clothing, she imagined what Ellie looked like in them.

She was lost in her own thoughts as she imagined Ellie wearing various shirts and pants, until something caught her eye. She looked down inside the basket and picked it up, holding it with both hands while examining it. It was blue and white stripped panties. Sadie could feel her body becoming hot again as she imagined Ellie wearing nothing but these panties. Her face became flustered. Her tail swaying against her legs made her shiver.

**Maria92** · 04-15-2011 01:29 AM

Say, not bad. There are some minor tense issues at the beginning, and I'm pretty sure you were aiming for striped panties, not stripped ones. Other than that, very nice. Looking forward to the rest.

**Tara** · 04-15-2011 02:26 AM

Spoiler for Edited Version:

That about sums it up, I got lazy there at the end but there honestly wasn't much to fix.

Anyways, good stuff! I mean aside from some errors in grammar/punctuation/etc, the content itself was lovely, a huge improvement from your first try~

And I'm no English expert so if anyone notices errors in my fixes, do tell!

**slayer** · 04-15-2011 02:46 AM

Thanks Franklin :3

About the attention thing, I was thinking about this At attention - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

**Tara** · 04-15-2011 04:03 AM

Oh! In that case, go for it. I wasn't aware that 'at attention' was like.. an official term/posture/etc. My bad.

**no-Name** · 04-15-2011 04:05 AM

Originally Posted by slayer

Thanks Franklin :3

About the attention thing, I was thinking about this At attention - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

then you should have said that she 'stood at attention,' not 'stood to attention.'

lots of writing errors. Frank is a good editor. she'll be fine.

**slayer** · 04-15-2011 04:43 AM

I guess I should mention that I was never good in English class :V

Nearly failed it in high school

**Tara** · 04-15-2011 04:51 AM

S'all thanks to my rad grade 11/12 English teacher~

**nerve** · 04-15-2011 02:59 PM

ok I'm really really tired but it's very hard for me to resist an opportunity to critique writing, so I'm going to do what I can as I fight off sleep and hopefully remember to come back later.

I normally cover grammar etcet first but apparently Franklin got that, I'll double check later just in case she missed something- I don't mean to be rude I just love...correcting that stuff

few things I caught:

The tall Catgirl stood ~~there~~ with her arms crossed

nix the "there", it's improper

~~She spoke,~~ “You’re Sadie?”

just not necessary. you've already established the main character is Sadie, that's who we're following, no one else is around- it's clear enough who's speaking.

“I already know why you’re here. You were assigned to take care of laundry.” ~~Said the tall Catgirl,~~ “My name is Isabella,

also unnecessary, you can put it all in one quote. maybe a comma after "here" instead of a period..?

“You don’t have to address me as Miss,” Isabella ~~said as she~~ placed her hand on her head in a face-palming notion. “Follow me, let’s get started.” ~~Isabella ordered.~~

hrrrk unnecessary stuff

“I take it you’re not normally assigned to do laundry?” ~~asked Isabella.~~
“No, my duties consist of mopping, dusting, and vacuuming.” ~~Sadie said in a well-mannered voice.~~

you can probably cut all that. you can have dialogue going back and forth for a good while without having to add any "said"s or "asked"s.. maybe it's important to show Sadie's well-mannered attitude. well, you can find another way to show it.

I really have to say though, it was tough even getting to the end of the first paragraph. I've seen more than a few novice stories start off with (something essentially) "so and so woke up and felt ___ today." er, I know I've done that before myself. you don't want to do that. that will NOT draw anyone in. not....really.
what you want to do is start smack in the middle of the story. don't start at the very beginning, it's dull.

Nothing hot yet, but it'll get there sooner or later...

and there's you're mistake. in the past when you picked up a story and were instantly sucked in, why was that? because the character was starting their day, and the author was describing their routine/day-to-day life? nah, it's because it started smack in the middle of the action >:D

and here's a dialogue tip: don't let characters answer questions directly. I don't mean in EVERY instance- but you don't want to have characters answering each other back and forth directly on and on. it's boring. people talk like that all the time, and it's terribly boring, writing like that will make your story really drag.

example:

"Hey, how was your day?"
"It was alright. What do you want for dinner?"
"I'm thinkin' Arby's."
"Sounds good."

(yawn)

vs.

"Hey, how was your day?"
"Did Rose call?"
"Yeah, she left a message, said she won't make the wedding. What do you want for dinner?"
"She's not coming? Why?"

little more interesting right? hopefully at least gets the idea across, anyway.

and another mistake a lot of amateurs make is to start a story by describing the physical appearance of their character. which I noticed (thankfully) you didn't.
no one cares about that stuff, at least, definitely not right away. if you're going to describe how a character looks, do it in actions, rather than flat out writing it. a quick example, instead of saying a character is tall, at some point have them stoop to avoid something lofty. uh, a ceiling fan on a low ceiling, or something.
plainly describing a character isn't going to get anyone interested in them. I could start a story like, "Standing at 6"6', Cain was taller than all his peers. He had dark hair and blue eyes..." blah,blah,blah.

what you're going for with characters, what you really want, is to inspire sympathy for them. something more like:

If Cain could have stayed in bed all day, he probably would have. He wasn't looking forward to all the well wishes from friends. It was a week before he turned thirteen that his father died, and he hadn't enjoyed a birthday since.

I probably wouldn't begin a story with that exactly, needs work, but maybe you can see the difference. no idea what the character looks like, but it's not important. what's important is that you immediately feel for a character, otherwise, the reader won't be interested in following them.
alright, so your mistake wasn't starting off describing your character, BUT I think you could still use that info, like, why not start with Sadie somehow embarrassing herself in front of Ellie? right away you'd feel bad for Sadie and want to see if she redeems herself. you don't have to flat out say she has a thing for Ellie. you can convey that in action. yes, there's a good pointer, you want to show, not tell. she could see Ellie, her heart starts pounding, and then you're wondering why. (does she like her? is she afraid because Ellie bullies her? what?) that's even better actually, because there's curiosity. if you don't make readers curious, they won't read on to find the answers.

one last thing I thought of- and this is general- don't use "started". a character either did or didn't do something. honestly I can't remember the reason you should avoid "started", maybe it's technically incorrect, maybe it just sounds stupid, I don't remember. maybe it's just that it's a less interesting way of saying things. I mean you could say "Nathan started to dust the furniture" or, "Nathan ran a cloth over the end table. He sneezed." you get that he's dusting and it's a more...visual way of saying it.

alright I'm gonna have to crash. if I came off curt, condescending or cranky it was unintentional, I think I'm...like...kinda passionate about writing and take it too seriously and also I think I mentioned the "g_g"