My Part of the Story:

Everyone, please do me a favor and read this, i know its long, but this is something i think everyone needs to hear.

In today's Society, there are certain rules that you are expected to follow. Go to class, do your homework, get good grades, and find a boy/girlfriend.
Now, I want to talk about the intimate friend you are supposed to find. Society says that you are supposed to find someone who is exactly like you, someone who you are emotionally and mentally on the same level with. Go to E-Harmony.com and find someone who is EXACTLY like you.I'm sorry, but here is where i have to say, Fuck Society.
In my...journey(thats all it can be called) over these past few years with my girlfriend Janine, i have made a theory. you are not supposed to find someone who is exactly like you, you are supposed to find someone who is the complete opposite of you. and you can look at my relationship as proof.
I met her in 9th grade. we had Earth Science with Mr Wyatt together, and we sat next to each other. i didn't really pay her much attention at first, just another classmate, you know. but as time went on, i started to realize that she was an awesome person.she cared for you, no matter who you were, or what you did, she seemed to care. she cared for the world, and everyone in it. She was such an emotionally expressive person, she didn't care who was around, or what people said, she said and expressed what she felt.
Now, me on the other hand, ive been alone all my life...ive been closed off to everyone for so long, i never expresses my true feelings to anyone...i had masks, so to say, that i put on when i talked to people, and i showed them what i wanted them to see. i got very good at this over the years.Hell, i got the psychiatrists to believe what i told them, hehehe...so needles to say, i, being scared and afraid, i could never gather the courage to tell her how I felt about her, let alone ask her out. so i sat silently...how i regret it...
10th grade.I had three classes with her, and the radiance that enticed many seemed to engulf me, slowly but steadily. i wanted so badly to tell her how I felt about her, but i was still afraid, and only having one girlfriend before in my life didn't help any either, and being alone all those years with only myself to confide into...so i sat quietly, in silent agony, wishing i could grow some balls and just tell her how I felt...later on in the year, she gave me a note in choir, and it said she liked me, and hinted that she wanted to go out with me. I couldn't describe the happiness that I felt. i was overjoyed to know that she felt the same way! But i was also petrified...I had no idea what to do, how to respond, and again the fear took over, and i hid myself in my own loneliness. So I ignored the note, and Janine, entirely. I despised myself, for day after day i could seethe pain i was causing her, yet my own selfishness kept me away. i felt like a dick, quite frankly.
11th grade. at the beginning of the year, i didnt see her that much. but we conversed a little, and eventually, if by magic, i asked her to a party, and she said she would come. it was at my cousins house. after a while, me and her where sitting in the living room alone, on a nice leather couch, watching Dirty Jobs with Mike Rowe. And I realized, "Hey, Nathan...she wants you...I want her...WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU WAITING FOR!!!"So i pulled her head up, and kissed her...it was awesome. we must have made out for half an hour, with Mike Rowe's voice rambling in the background. Afterward she said, "So, what does this make us?" i stupidly said, "I don't know" i again felt retarded.
I took another month for me to ask her out, which happened at 4 in the morning. now the fun stuff begins.
We started out okay, but im not going to pretend it wasn't difficult. being at completely different ends of the emotional spectrum, it was hard to talk to each other. I had to make big sacrifices, i had to to throw away some of my masks that i had been using for a long time.
we had are share of arguments too. some were so bad, i thought our relationship was going to end, but i know see that that was an impossibility. our love for each other was to strong. but the arguments were usually my fault, usually about what i was doing wrong, because i WAS doing a lot of stuff wrong. i finally understood that i was hurting her by not talking to her, by not expressing myself with her. i hardly ever told her i loved her, how beautiful she was,
that she had my heart fully. she didn't know if i loved her, truly.
but our love never stopped. it kept growing, and keeps growing, to this very day. the happiness that we bring each other is beyond anyone else's comprehension. i am now able to talk to her, to tell her how i feel. she has made me a better person, and i will be forever grateful to her.
Here is the reason why i write this, why i want you to read this. If you do have a relationship, if you are in one right now, you have to trust each other completely. don't have on of those typical high school fake relationships, where you just say I love you because its expected of you. say it only if you truly mean it, or don't say it at all. if you don't mean it, than you are wasting your time.
Tim Kelly, you are my best mate, always have. im happy for you, because you are in a good relationship. i know you have liked amy for a long time, and i know I teased you , so did the guys, but dont mind us. im so happy for you and Amy. but dont just love her, tim, LOVE her. give everything you are to her, and if she loves you, she will do the same. You have to trust each other completely, with everything you are, only then will you know what real love is.
No one can break the bond me and Janine have. oh, sure, people have tried, and ive heard all the reasons in the world, but it doesn't matter...cause no one will ever win against us. together, we are unstoppable. Together, we are the only thing that matters in the world...together, we are the world. And no person, problem, or priority will stand in the way of our love. She completes me, she destroys any darkness inside of me, and fills it with pure shining beauty, that no other person could possibly see or understand how this makes me feel. she set me free, she unleashed my soul, to fly to new heights i only dreamed of...this might sound fairytale-ish, but its true, and thats all that matters: the truth. and the truth is that i love Janine with all my body, mind, soul, and heart. no matter what.
i want you to live in this moment, because right now is all we have. look around, realize this moment you live in. yes, it is forever, but it doesnt last...so i ask you to be happy in this moment, be joyous, celebrate that you are alive and happy. love in this moment, because you will never have it again.
People say "you are too young to know what you want." fuck them. i know what i want. i want janine. and i want her for the rest of my life. i want to have a family with her, i want to grow old with her, i want to die with her, and then i want to see the other worlds with her. nothing can stop us from loving each other, not even death...
Do one more favor for me. go and read janine's note with the same title. she is a better writer than me, she remembers more than me, and she definitely feels more than me still, though im still working on it. so go read it, and spread the word of these notes. i cant tag everyone in them, as I wish could, so i ask you to tell them for me, even if its only one person. thank you so much.
Peace.
Nathan




Her Part of the Story:
I KNOW THIS IS LONG BUT PLEASE READ IT!!!!

“When you cannot find the end of a story, it’s best to go back to the beginning.”-Janine Blue

I met Nathan Lorts in ninth grade. We had Earth Science together second semester with Mr. Wyatt. I remember Mr. Wyatt telling everyone where they sat. We were positioned boy, girl, boy, girl. Mr. Wyatt finally got to my name and told me where to sit. He said “sit next to Nathan.” I remember looking ahead where I sat. There Nathan was. He talked to Michelle Smith briefly and then went back to his drawing. I slowly walked over to Nathan and sat down. Usually, I would introduce myself, but something was different. For some reason, I just couldn’t. I remember the feeling I had. It was like I had never seen anyone like him. He had on a maroon sweater and pressed black pants. His hair was short and extremely neat. For some reason I thought he was a Goth. He didn’t look at me. He didn’t move. He simply propped his chin on his arm and worked on his drawing. I was engrossed in him. He was drawing a picture of a city that was shot at an angle, perspective art. To me the picture was perfect, but not to Nathan. He would take his ruler, draw a straight line and then erase it. He would erase the same perfect line over and over again. I thought he was strange, but for some reason, I liked it. I was fascinated by him and I didn’t know why. As the year went on we began to speak to each other. We broke the ice with talks about Harry potter and making fun of Donnie Everler, or as he called him in a silly voice, “Jaws.” We even had a game where we would see who could make the over one laugh. Nathan won almost ever time. Sometimes he would cheat by having Travis Ruth sing a goofy song to me, or have Anthony Steck say “you better not pee on yourself.” It makes me laugh now because of how odd it was, but I would play with his ear while we were watching movies. I don’t remember how that got started. I have an attraction to ears, and I would play with Nathan’s. One time I made him so relaxed that he went to sleep, and Travis jokingly said that I was giving him a hard-on. Any excuse I could make to touch him I took. When Nathan wore sleeveless shirts, I would write on his arm with my highlighters. He let me but said he would have to wash it off because his basketball coach would get upset. I just loved how my bright pink and orange letters looked against his perfectly tan skin. I had never seen a guy that looked like him before. Nathan had certain features that were so dominant and unique. I thought Nathan was the most beautiful guy I had ever seen. By the end of the year, I had developed a feeling for him. We had sat together for the whole semester. I didn’t know what it was but I decided not to really look into it because I knew I would never see him again. On the last day of school, while Nathan had his jacket over his head, I kissed him twelve times, and said “I hope you have a nice summer.” I said that because I knew I would never see Nathan Lorts again, but I guess I was wrong….

The next time I saw Nathan was at registration for tenth grade. I was sitting by the yearbook table when I saw him. He was there with his dad. He had gotten so much taller and more beautiful to me. I wanted to say something, but I didn’t think he’d remember me. Once again, I didn’t think I’d have any classes with him, so I ignored the happiness I felt when I looked at him.

On the first day of school I was late for my first class. It was Spanish I with Senora Selada (or however you spell that crazy lady’s name). The class was on the first floor and by the time I got inside, I was out of breath. I quickly took my seat. We sat in alphabetical order. As senora took role she took us to pick a Spanish name from a list. I picked Dora and put my head down. I didn’t raise my head until I heard her say “Nathan Lorts what name did you pick?” I looked over and there he was. He was about three rows over from me. I was so shocked that I didn’t notice him before. For the rest of the class period I was very alert and attentive. My shock and ecstasy grew as I went to my second hour class, World History with Miss. Earle. I also had that class with Nathan. He sat behind me. By lunch I was very content with my schedule. I sat by my friends ready to eat when I noticed Nathan. He too had first lunch. He was sitting by Travis Ruth, Nick Bacon, Tim Kelly, and a lot of other guys. Their table was right across from mine. I was beginning to think that the universe was trying to tell me something. My third block was choir with Mrs. Moore (yeah feel sorry for me and for ALL of us). Of course, Nathan was in that class. I felt lighter than air. I had three classes with Nathan for an entire semester back to back to back, and I had lunch and choir with him all year. It’s funny because even with all of these classes together, we didn’t really talk. It wasn’t until later on in Spanish, when I was moved over by him that we talked. We talked about Spanish and how our teacher should have never been given a license. We wrote notes back and forth talking about how stupid the fourth Harry Potter movie was, and we even helped each other with our Spanish homework. Even so I felt like we weren’t really connecting. I knew that I liked Nathan a lot, but I didn’t have the courage to do anything about it. I was even too afraid to ask him if I could sign his cast. I thought Nathan was untouchable to me, and that he was a person I could want but not have. We became closer in World History. He would tell Ian Turley that he could make me laugh easily and he always did. He would say “Happy Christmas Harry. Happy Christmas Ron.” in a British accent that would get me everytime. (He still does). One day we were working in big groups for a project and we were in one together. We were messing with each others hands and ended up just holding hands. It didn’t last long he quickly pulled away. By the end of first semester I knew I really liked him and wanted to be with him. I remember the day I knew I felt something deeper than just a crush. It was in Spanish class, and I was feeling like crap. I was so depressed and I didn’t want to be at school. I put my head on the desk and looked ahead, pretending to listen. I was surprised to see Nathan with his head on his desk staring straight at me. He smiled but I didn’t. I think he could tell something was wrong. He took his binder and put his face to it. He smashed his cheek against it so his lips would poke out. He then made fish faces and would slide his cheek down the binder. I laughed. It was so silly looking and it made me feel better. Nathan looked so goofy doing it because he was wearing his basketball dress clothes. He looked very professional with his dark red dress shirt, pressed black dress pants, and shined up black shoes. Yet, he was making fish faces like a four-year-old. I loved every minute of it. He continued to do it until senora called his name for an answer. Then, he quickly turned around and paid attention. It was that day that I really felt it. I didn’t know what it was, but I was sure it was real. I remember on the second to last day of first semester, and senora was going over who had to take the final and who didn’t. Of course I was taking it, but when she said Nathan was a few of us were shocked. He had been one of the few people in the class that actually learned anything. He had like a….88% or 87%. He was so upset, he didn’t want to take the final and I didn’t want him to either. I mean I wanted him to so I could se him, but I wanted him to be happy. I didn’t care about how I felt. I walked over to him and asked him if there was anything I could do. He showed me his grade sheet. He had one test missing and a worksheet. He told me there was nothing because, even if he did get a 100% percent on the test, he would still need the worksheet grade, and he couldn’t find it. I told him to just try, take the test, and we’ll see what happens. He took the test and of course got a 100%, however; he didn’t have the paper. He told me that the worksheet grade wouldn’t be enough to give him an A-. I couldn’t stand the look of disappointment in his almond eyes and I knew I had to do something. I took his grade sheet and did some calculations. I figured out that if he got a 100% percent on the worksheet it would bring him to an 89.7%, which is an A-. I grabbed his binder and searched vigorously for the worksheet. I found it after about five minutes. I also got mine from my binder. I let him take my answers (I actually got a 100% on it, amazing!!). He turned it into senora and she bumped his grade up. Nathan did not have to take the final. He was so ecstatic. He smiled at me and called me his “Christmas Miracle.” I was in a daze all day long. Even in World History he told people about how I helped him. I enjoyed ever second of it.

Second semester I only had choir with him. Things changed by then. I knew I really liked Nathan, but he wasn’t the same. He seemed more distant than he had been. He never really talked to me. He always stayed by Travis, Nick, and Tim in choir. I sat next to Jessie Busby and Kayla Myers. Kayla lived by him, and I asked her about him. She told me Nathan was extremely quiet and really didn’t go looking for girls. He was into basketball and his friends. Of course that didn’t stop me. I talked to Jessie about it and asked her to help me write a note to him just telling him the truth. I made it short and not too revealing. I gave it to him after class one day. He never wrote me back or brought it up. I wrote him again, and put my number at the bottom telling him to call me, but he never did. Nathan and I never really talked again. Our second semester of tenth grade was pretty much set after that. When school ended I knew what I felt for Nathan was real and growing, but I knew it would never happen because he didn’t like me. I thought that he didn’t even want me as a friend.

A couple of months before school had let out, I had made a myspace, and over the summer I was on it a lot. Dominique Maxwell was a friend of mine on it. I guess that Nathan was also a friend on his because one day I got on and noticed I had a new friend request. It wad from Nathan. He had found me on myspace. I added him of course. It was strange. Nathan and I talked a lot over myspace. At first he would randomly say he had to go, and just sign off, but other times we would talk for hours, day or night. We talked about little things at first but as time went on we talked more serious conversation. We talked a lot on AIM too. One day I decided to be brave, and I told him to truth. I told him how I felt and that I really liked him. He told me it was nice and that he had to go. I kinda gave up after that. A few weeks before school started for junior year, I posted a bulletin on myspace listing my classes. I received a message for Nathan. He told me that we had the same A.P U.S class together with Mrs. Hequembourg (what a year that was….). I was so excited. I would have a class together with him for three terms. However, the closer school came to starting the less I talked to Nathan. He was never online and I didn’t have his number.

When junior year started I didn’t see Nathan for almost a week. It wasn’t until that first Thursday that I saw him, when I was getting a drink before first block. We had our first our class on the same floor. He had psychology and I had American Studies through the Media. We didn’t really talk. Sometime I would take an extra long time to get to class so I could see him, but I rarely did. I was determined though. One day I wrote him a long note over myspace telling him that I wanted to go out with him. He wrote me back saying that he wasn’t looking for a girlfriend right now or in the near future. He was focused on school and his grades were crap at the time but we “still cool and would always be friends, and maybe in the future we would see what happens.” I figured that was a load of bullshit. I thought that I was beginning to lose feelings for him until one night. At a football game at J.C, I had a seizure. When I woke up in the hospital, I was told that a lot of my friends had come to see me. All I wanted to see was Nathan. My dad had told me…and I’ll never forget his description “A really tall guy with a lot of dark messy hair and uh, whiskers on his face is here. He’s one of your friends?” I smiled because I knew he was talking about Nathan and the “whiskers” was probably paint on his face that had smeared because of the heat. Nathan posted a bulletin on myspace asking people to keep me in their thoughts and prayers. I thought it was nice. I felt so good because he was the only one to do something like that for me. I knew I wasn’t going to give up on him after that.

One night I was talking to Nathan’s cousin Dylan on AIM. I told him what was going on. He told me that Nathan was just an extremely shy guy, and he had tried getting him to ask out girls before but he was too scared. I asked Dylan if he knew if Nathan liked me. I was stunned when he said, yes. I didn’t believe him at first. I remember the conversation he said “you are Janine right?” I said “Yes.” then he said “well then yeah. Nathan likes you. But he said you’re going out with a guy named Dominique.” I was so upset. Everyone always thought I was going out with him (some people still do!!). I told him hell no and that I had liked Nathan for the longest and wanted to go out with him. Well, before anything, Dylan and I had a “talk” kinda like a father would give to someone about to date his child but anyway….after that he told me he would talk to Nathan and see if he could get him to ask me out, but if not then I would have to. I didn’t have a problem with that. Well, the weeks went by and nothing happened. I was beginning to think it was a lost cause. One night I was having a group chat with Nathan and Dylan. Dylan invited me to a party at his house. Of course I said yes. It was on a Friday night and would last awhile, so I told my parents I was staying at a friend’s house. Nathan and his friend picked me up and we went. When we got there, Nathan abandoned me and talked with his friends. I began talking to some of Nathan and Dylan’s friends. I really got to know one of them. A girl named Lindsey. She was good friends with Nathan. I told her about how I liked him. I pulled her aside and asked her what to do. She told me that she had known Nathan forever and that he was the shyest guy she had ever met, and that I should go over to him and make out with him because he would never do anything first. I told her that I didn’t think I could do that, so she walked over to him and pulled him to the side. I’m not sure what she said and I wish I knew, but after about three minutes he came over to me and laid his head in my lap. He looked up at me and asked if I wanted to sit upstairs with him on the deck. I said yes and we went. I sat in a chair and at first he sat in the chair next to me, but then he sat on the floor in front of me. I began to rub his back and we began talking. It wasn’t the same small talk that we had always had. We talked about life and how we saw things. We talked about religion and philosophical concepts. He told me that when Tim became president he would make it so all people had to marry someone from a different race. I realized that as we talked, I moved closer to him. My arms were around him and we were holding each other. I kissed his neck and told him I liked him. He told me he liked me and couldn’t wait to have class with me. He said that we would be going out by the time we had class together, but he didn’t ask me out….it was weird. After awhile, Dylan and some of his friend began shoot their arousal guns and Nathan was getting hit a lot. We went inside and watched Dirtiest Jobs on TV. It was nice. The couch was leather and cool yet I was lying on Nathan and my skin was on fire. I felt so comfortable and safe. Nathan smelled incredible. He smelled like baked strawberries and it was intoxicating. I held him closer because for once, I felt like I was where I was supposed to be. Nathan finger was tracing my lips and I looked up at him. It only took one second of recognition and then Nathan and I started kissing. It was crazy; it was so fast and desperate. It was like we were playing catch up for the past year. I told him everything through the kiss and I think he was trying to as well. Even after that night, Nathan and I weren’t going out. I didn’t ask him and he didn’t ask me.

In the middle of October my family found out that my uncle had killed himself. It was devastating. He shot himself in the face and was found in his blazer in his garage about two weeks later. I felt horrible. Everyone in my house was distraught and my mom was hysterical. School was my only way to get away from it. I was a mess. I told my friend Nikki that I felt like giving up on life because was going right. I rushed to my first hour class while she stayed behind. She talked to Nathan. I’m sure what she said but he was waiting for me before first block. He asked me if I was okay and I told him I wasn’t. He held me for awhile. When the bell rang he pulled away and quietly said “I love you.” I told him that I loved him with hesitation. I was confused. We weren’t even together. I didn’t even know if he really even liked me but he told me he loved me. I felt out of place all day. I thought about how I didn’t want to feel anything yet I felt myself feel. I loved Nathan, and telling him that I did had seemed like the simplest thing I could ever do. That night I was in my basement with Nikki. My parents had left for Indiana for the funereal (I couldn’t go. I wasn’t strong enough to take in everyone’s sadness). Nathan called me and asked if he could come over, and I said yes. My older sister was there but she was leaving. She and are very close and she trusted me alone with my friends. When Nathan came over it was weird at first. I was with him without any distractions. We had fun he helped take my mind off things, of course, I brought up how I liked him and he brought up how he like me. I asked him how long he liked me and he said since ninth grade. My jaw hit the ground. Nikki told Nathan that if he liked me so much why he didn’t just ask me out. He said “I have to do that? I thought we were already going out.” I wanted to slap him in the back of the head for that. He finally looked at me and asked me if I wanted to go out with him and I said yes. That night was so much fun and finally Nathan and I were a couple.

Since October 13th Nathan and I have been together, but it hasn’t been easy. To everyone around us it may seem like things have been perfect, but it couldn’t be any further from the truth. Being with Nathan has been very hard at times. We have had so many fights. I’ve cried so many times and have felt so horrible. I know Nathan has been so frustrated and has felt so miserable at times. Nathan and I are nothing alike. We are polar opposites. Nathan keeps everything in and never shows emotion. He feels only for the time being and doesn’t look ahead. I’m the most emotionally expressive person I know. I’ll talk to anyone about how I feel. I wear my emotions on my sleeve and I almost look ahead and worry about things that won’t happen for months. Nathan is so shy and quiet. I’m super loud and outgoing. Even so it’s these differences that make us perfect for each other. What I can’t do he’ll teach me how, and things he can’t understand I’ll help him learn.

I can’t begin to describe how I feel about Nathan. There aren’t words I can say or letter I can type to get people to realize what he means to me. My love for Nathan is its own language. He’s in my blood, in my mind, in my soul. We’ve had rough times, yet we’re still here together. I wouldn’t trade him in for anything. I want him in my life forever.

Society says that I’m not supposed to know what I want. I mean I’m sixteen and I’m only a senior in high school. I couldn’t possibly know who I feel or what I want for the rest of my life. Well, that’s bullshit. How I feel now is who I’ll always feel. It won’t matter what happens to Nathan and I as a couple and as individual people. He will always have me. I will always be his and I give myself to him willingly. All I can ask is that everyone finds someone that makes them happy and someone they can trust. Don’t date for convenience and don’t through the phrase “I love you” around because you think it has to be said. A great love is someone who can challenge and help you realize things about yourself you didn’t know before, rather they’re good or bad. I don’t care that Nathan is nothing like me, or that he’s a different race and come from a different background. All I see, all I care about is what’s inside and that’s love.

I would really love it if you read Nathan’s note that has the same title. Read it and tell others to read theses. We’re not saying we’re the best couple in the world, and we’re not trying to get attention or seem cool. What we’re doing is realizing what is important, and everyone else should to. Thanks for reading this.

Janine