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    1. #1
      Member Tyler's Avatar
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      Christmas: A time for War!

      'Ole Saint Nick loaded another clip into his AK-47. He peeked around the corner, and immediately pulled back as a bright yellow and pink striped egg whizzed by. He could see the shadow of a group of rabbits hopping their way closer to him, but he was safe around the corner. Santa stepped back a few paces, and waited for the fuzzy bastards to come around the corner. Half a dozen rabbits, all of them fuzzy and white, turned the corner and each lifted a brilliantly colored egg over their head. Santa was faster with his AK-47. He pumped the trigger and swept left and right, catching most of the rabbits in their chest, a one or two in the face. They let out a cute little squeak and twitched their noses (what was left of them) and fell over, dead weight. He heard a ticking, his eyes widened. Nearly falling, Saint Nicholas turned tail and hauled ass, trying to put as much distance between himself and the eggs as possible. A few seconds later, he heard a massive explosion behind him. As he turned to look, egg yolk landed all over his massive red coat. Smoke rose up from the garment, and there was the smell of burning cloth. He quickly yanked off the coat (as quickly as he could anyway, he always had a hard time with the buttons) and tossed it to the ground. There was another explosion, this time coming from the direction of his workshop. "Those damn critters" he muttered as he jogged to clear out his workshop. "I'm gonna have plenty of rabbit stew."

      The Easter Bunny's Eggrenade made nice work of one of Santa's precious toy machines. He grabbed another one out of the pouch slung over his shoulder and through it into the Santa's office. "Check your goddamn list now asshole!" He cackled. The other rabbits laughed as they finished tying up the elves. The Easter Bunny turned to them. "You know, I thought this would be a lot harder than this. I thought there were more of you."

      All of the elves glared at him, but one spoke. "Santa had to fire some of us, those machines that you are blowing up replaced most of us." he explained.

      The Easter Bunny smiled. "And what happened to the elves that got fired?"

      The elf looked down at the floor. "Th-they were forced to leave. They share an igloo with Frosty the Snowman...."

      "Oh, how sad." The rabbit said without the tiniest hint of sympathy. "What would you say if I told you I could get your fellow elves back?"

      "I'll never get there in time..." Santa grunted as he mowed down another group of rabbits with his AK, but not before taking an egg to the leg. Luckily it wasn't acid filled, no, it was filled with several sharp needles, many were stuck in his leg. The leg started to go numb. He plucked one out and looked at the tip, it was covered in some type of green liquid. He decided that it must've been some kind of numbing agent, because he couldn't feel or move his right leg. Santa roared in anger, that was his favorite leg damn it! He limped as fast as he could, but being as big a man as he was, he was getting nowhere fast with his crippled leg.

      The Easter Bunny spun around, egg in hand, when he heard a window shatter. Bursting through it was Rudolph the Reindeer. His nose glowed bright red, and it made a low buzzing noise. He landed across the room from the Easter Bunny and reared his head back, and then forward, as if sneezing. A red burst of energy erupted from it. The Easter Bunny picked up a nearby rabbit and flung his own soldier into the energy. The rabbit gave a quick scream as the energy seemed to burrow it's way into his body. His skin rippled and he kind of fell in on himself, he just disentigrated. The Easter Bunny pulled out an eggrenade. He covered his eyes and threw it toward Rudolph. It landed just at his hooves and broke apart, releasing an intense bright light, blinding everybody in the room except the Easter Bunny. He hippoty-hopped his way to the blinded reindeer and pulled out silver dagger. He slashed the dagger across Rudolph's throat, tearing it open. The reindeer made a gurgling sound. His red nose went out, like a dead lightbulb, and his lifeless body hit the floor. The elves screamed in outrage.

      "Don't you know who that was? That was Rudolph! HOW COULD YOU KILL RUDOLPH?"

      The Easter Bunny whipped out another egg and advanced on the elves. "Here are your options!" He yelled in their faces. "You can help me overthrow that fattass Santa Clause, or I can vaporize all of you right here and now!"

      "Why do you want to kill Santa? What did he do to you?" One elf asked, and a few of the elves echoed him.

      "What did he do? It's not what he did, it's what he doesn't do!"

      The elves looked confused.

      "Oh he has all of you brain washed doesn't he? Who here at the north pole makes all of those damned toys?" he demanded.

      They glanced at eachother. "Erm, w-we do."

      "Right, who spends every day laboring to meet an impossible deadline to make toys for bratty children who probably don't deserve them?"

      "Well actually the bad kids get coal..."

      The Easter Bunny slapped the shit out of the wise ass.

      "We do!" another one spoke up.

      "Right! And who only works one day a year?" He asked. "Who spends every. other. day. of the year doing nothing?"

      "S-santa?"

      "YES! SANTA FUCKING CLAUSE!" he yelled. "He doesn't do anywhere near the amount of work that you elves do, and yet, all those kids leave out cookies and goddamn milk out for him! They write letters to him, they go to sleep on Christmas Eve just hoping to get a glimpse of him!"

      The elves cowered as the Easter Bunny raged.

      "Us Easter Bunnies were fucked out of our fame! Do we get milk and cookies? No! And even if we did, I'm fucking lactose intolerant, so it wouldn't do me any good anyway! But my rabbits, my workers, they would enjoy some cookies and milk, dont you think? We spend all year laying eggs to hide! DO YOU KNOW HOW IMPOSSIBLE THAT IS? We are mammals! Mammals don't lay eggs! Do you know how much it hurts for a rabbit to lay an egg?? Especially us male rabbits? You wanna know how that fucking works?"

      The elves frantically shook their heads no, but the Easter Bunny told them anyway.

      (I will spare you the details, but I assure you that it was quite a horrible story. Several elves puked)

      "All I want from you is this, after I kill Santa, I want you all to work for me instead. We will use this factory to produce Easter Eggs instead of toys. We will hire you'r fellow elves back, and I will be as much a part of the work as you all are."

      The elves mumbled among themselves, it was a provocative offer.

      "There will be a vote" The Easter Bunny told them. "You will all vote. Majority wins. If the majority votes that you work for me, I will let you live and kill the ones who vote not too. If the majority votes not to, I'll kill you all." He chuckled.
      "When do we vote?" one elf asked.

      "Now!" he spat at him. "Who will work with me?"

      Only four elves raised their hands, there were nine elves. The Easter Bunny grinned and tossed an egg in the middle of the group of elves. The explosion sent elf guts all over the place. "EASTER BUNNIES!" The leader rabbit shouted. "LINE THE WALLS AND WAIT FOR THE FAT MAN!"

      The fat man limped up to his workshop. There were elves and rabbits laying around the outside and in the yard. A window was shattered. Santa burst through the door, brandishing his AK-47. He saw what was left of the captive elves, splattered all over the floor and the machinery. He let out a wail.

      "Stuff it old man" a gruff voice said.

      Santa looked up and saw the Easter Bunny across the room from him. He pointed his gun at the rabbit and started to pull the trigger.

      "Uh huh, I wouldn't do that if I were you...." He said and waved his arms around the room. Santa looked around and saw that there were at least fifty rabbits lining the walls, each with an egg in hand, ready to throw.

      "You treacherous rodent...." Santa spat.

      "I AM NOT A RODENT! THE PROPER TERM IS LAGOMORPH!" He shouted at the top of his lungs as he threw an eggrenade. The other rabbits followed suit. Santa hefted his AK-47 and fired wildly at the Easter Bunny. He laughed wildly as he watched the rabbit fall to the floor, riddled with bulletholes.

      "HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOOHOHOH-" The explosion of fifty one eggrenades oblitered the man that had been standing there. The massive explosion shook the building, and pieces of the ceiling started to fall, the whole place was coming down! The rabbits scattered and hopped everywhere, they had no idea what to do, their boss was dead! Only a handful of rabbits had enough sense to head for the door. Only a few of them made it out alive. Each one of them were wounded badly, and died trudging around in the snow.
      Last edited by Tyler; 12-25-2009 at 12:22 PM.
      This shit never happens to me

    2. #2
      Veteran of the DV Wars Man of Steel's Avatar
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      That...was...HILARIOUS!

    3. #3
      Member Tyler's Avatar
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      Thanks
      This shit never happens to me

    4. #4
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      very noice! i give it four apples and three bees

    5. #5
      Member Tyler's Avatar
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      Quote Originally Posted by Akono View Post
      very noice! i give it four apples and three bees
      Thanks
      Now I just need to look up what 4 apples and 3 bees means...
      This shit never happens to me

    6. #6
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      Quote Originally Posted by Fableflame View Post
      Thanks
      Now I just need to look up what 4 apples and 3 bees means...
      yeah...me too!

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