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    Thread: Poetry

    1. #1
      Xei
      UnitedKingdom Xei is offline
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      Poetry

      I've got quite a few bits and pieces of verse written down here and there, and I'd just finished another so I thought I'd share.

      I've also got a collection of lyrics to songs I've written (they form a kind of concept album) but I won't post those just now.

      Be kind.

      Heart Fluorescent

      Love is flowing, leaves me yearning,
      ever glowing, never burning.

      Vial broken, ever spilling,
      cracked open, never filling.

      Flicker and fade, heart incandescent;
      I have been made a heart fluorescent.
      ooflendoodle likes this.

    2. #2
      Xox
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      Is that your own in the sig?

    3. #3
      Xei
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      [ Edit: Slightly bizarre. Yes it is, Xox. ]

      Quite proud of this one due to the euphony alone. I might add to it some time but I like it as it is. I guess pretty much everybody who knows me has seen it due my signature but I've never really put it up for discussion.

      Island Girl

      soft she stirs on starlit sand,
      and clasps wet shore within her hand.
      she turns to face the silent seas,
      and through her heart, a vital breeze.
      she wonders at this strange new land.
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    4. #4
      Xox
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      Island Girl is amazing. Keep posting! I love your diction.
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    5. #5
      Member TamiDoll's Avatar
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      Wow, those are really good! So nice to read.
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    6. #6
      Xei
      UnitedKingdom Xei is offline
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      I've been meaning to write more for ages... I finally overcame my lethargy an hour or so ago. I've had the idea for this one for a while, though I didn't think to make a poem of it. It was supposed to be longer when I started and I may add to it, but I actually quite like it as it is. Any feedback is treasured as always; please do say if I'm being too obscure, it's extremely hard to tell from my perspective. I have another in the works which should be much longer, but it's proving hard to get going.

      The Glimmer

      As I moved
      In a line
      Through a din
      Of grey squares

      A fleeting glimmer
      As through trees
      Caught a ripple
      Never there
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    7. #7
      Xei
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      Work in progress. I guess it will be the first or last verse of my poem on that theme. Criticism and further ideas welcome:

      Upon no earthly flame the forge
      where wordsmith works his craft could gorge,
      to melt a metal so refined,
      that you could linger where it shined.
      ooflendoodle likes this.

    8. #8
      Dionysian stormcrow's Avatar
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      Your poetry isn't too obscure, it has a coherent flow and is quite pleasant to read. I'm not sure what kind of criticism you were expecting but poetry is a tad difficult to critique. Id say read it out loud and if it doesn't sound right make appropriate revisions.

      Ive been meaning to write poetry for ages as well and have just gotten around to it about a month ago. To my surprise I enjoy writing it as much as I enjoy reading it.
      Your poetry is really good, keep it up.

    9. #9
      Dream Guy ooflendoodle's Avatar
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      Those are really good. My favorite is "Island Girl" (btw you should put double quotes around short poems not underline them) I only have a 8th-9th grade level understanding of poetry though, so I couldn't do much critiquing except to tell you that to me "The Glimmer" is a bit vague.
      "For a long time it gave me nightmares, having to witness an injustice like that. It was a constant reminder of how unfair this world can be, I can still hear them taunting him. 'Silly Rabbit, Trix are for kids!'... How come they just couldn't give him some cereal?"

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