Thread: Ask the Older Crowd

Originally Posted by pj

It is easy to let bad things cast a pall over all of life. We don't have to let that happen. If I can stay in the moment, life is full of beauty, joy and wonderful surprises.

You know, that's something I've already learned at my age. Is that good or bad?

And let me just say, I feel for you both Clairity and Pj. Any sort of loss or abuse is difficult. One of my cats was put down not too long ago and I was even torn up about that, so I can't even imagine losing a relative that I was really close with. And I know all about abusive relationships, except it was the other way around, with my uncle. His wife had bipolar and she'd get angry and hurt my cousins and him. There's actually been a lot of conflict within my dads family. So much, in fact, that it would take a good hour of my time to describe everything that's happened to them. So I'm sorry to hear that about you guys.

It's actually kind of funny when I think about it... here I am thinking that no one else has gone through stuff like me, but indeed there are people who've experienced worse and recovered less. I wouldn't necessarily call it ignorance, just a lack of knowledge for people who share life stories.

Anyways, another question... what happened to all the friends you ever met in high school? Did you keep in contact? If you did... did the 'nerds' become successful? The assholes never making it past co-manager at Wallmart? I'm dying to know.

Thanks guys.

Originally Posted by CoLd BlooDed

You know, that's something I've already learned at my age. Is that good or bad?

It is fantastic. I wish I was mature and intelligent enough to have figured that out about a decade or so earlier.

Anyways, another question... what happened to all the friends you ever met in high school? Did you keep in contact? If you did... did the 'nerds' become successful? The assholes never making it past co-manager at Wallmart? I'm dying to know.

I just spent the day with two friends from high school - one who accompanied us through the Memorial Day services and attending to grave markers, and another couple who spent the whole afternoon with us. Of all the people I associated with back then, these friends have stuck, and I treasure them as much or more than many I have biological ties with.

Others... many, sadly, are dead. That was the nature of the crowd I hung with. Others are in prison - one who I do stay in touch with and visit from time to time. Yes, the few "nerds" (which wasn't a term I knew back then) I am still aware of have been very successful. Several of the "plain" girls have become late-blooming beauties, and many of the to-die-for beauties have not aged well at all.

Of them all, these three I spent today with and the one I visit in prison are the only ones I call 'friends'. I would lay my life down for any of them, and I know they would do the same for me. The rest... I really only notice them occasionally in passing because I still live in the same city.

I was one of the assholes, by the way. Stoned, belligerent and dishonest - all the qualities you'd look for in somebody to despise.

Originally Posted by pj

I was one of the assholes, by the way. Stoned, belligerent and dishonest - all the qualities you'd look for in somebody to despise.

Well, I hope you didn't take that the wrong way. It wasn't intentional.

And thanks for your reply.

Originally Posted by CoLd BlooDed

Well, I hope you didn't take that the wrong way. It wasn't intentional.

And thanks for your reply.

You're welcome, and of course I didn't take it the wrong way.

Funny thing about assholes... some of them do come around. That's why I still stay in touch with the guy in prison. I have hope for him... and he is a stark reminder of where I was heading.

Wow.. there's so much to reply to!

Originally Posted by pj

Clairity... I spent two years a while back helping somebody get to the point where she was able to leave an identical situation. It was almost like reading her story to read yours, and I've heard it from others too. There is a bizarre methodology to that kind of abuse. It becomes a vicious cycle that the abuser controls. Cutting off friends and family is an essential part of it. Crushing the will and questioning the sanity of the one being abused is part of it. Rising up from that prison - and that is EXACTLY what it is - and fleeing takes tremendous courage, especially after years of having somebody systematically tearing down every shred of your self-confidence. Bravo. I am in awe of you, lady.

Thanks so much pj .. but honestly I did it more for my son than myself. I didn't want him to think that "loving" a women gives you license to call her a bitch (or worse).. or that hitting her proves how "deeply" you love her. My ex learned these things from his father and I was NOT going to pass that legacy down to my son.

Originally Posted by Moonbeam

The worst thing that ever happened to me was finding my sister after she killed herself, and the after effects on my family. She had a two year old, my niece, who is now 22. After 20 years I can still hardly bring myself to talk about it, and very rarely do. I bring it up to say that, as horrible as it was, it caused a change in me that completely turned my life. It the brought the rest of my family closer. Good things can come out of even the worst events. I didn't want to say that, because I feel like it is saying that there are good things about her death, but it is something to remember during bad times.

Moonbeam, take a second to close your eyes .. you'll feel my hug.

Originally Posted by Oneironaught

pj: when you found the one you are nowvery happily married to (I truly envy you), did you know from the beginning that she was perfect for you? If so, how? What told you that you found your soul-mate? This is of particular concern/interest to me at the present time.

I know you asked this question of pj, but I feel the need to answer it as well. I've been with my husband now for over 15 years and to be honest.. my previous marriage as bad as it was.. helped me to find and appreciate the man I'm with now. There's nothing like a horrible marriage to help you discover what's important in a life mate! It's not looks, it's not money, it's not social standing.. it's none of that. I would never have considered my second husband if not for my first.

I think what helped with me is that I got to know my husband at work.. it's as though God knew I needed a good man and he set him literally right in front of me (his desk was across from mine). By getting to know him at work (and not at a club or somewhere else where people put on a front to impress or hookup), I saw how he was with his co-workers, with his friends.. on his good days and his bad.. in other words I got to see the "true" him.

He's younger than me, he's a different race than myself, he's a different faith than myself and, with all those differences.. he took on a women who had been battered and bruised, who'd had her confidence shattered and who had a toddler and not much else. On our first date, he came to the house, I opened the door, took him to my son's room and said, "this is my son.. he's been through a lot and HE is the most important thing in my life.. decide now if you can handle that". He looked at my sleeping son and then back at me and we've been together since that moment on. He stood with me through more than you can imagine. I've learned that what matters most for me in a life partner .. is does he make me feel good about myself when he's with me (and when he's not). Does he make me laugh and does he laugh with me. Can I talk to him about what's bothering me and does he really listen and at least try to understand. My husband went from having no children and no one to worry about but himself, to having a ready made family and he didn't miss a beat. Damn, I love him..

Originally Posted by CoLd BlooDed

Anyways, another question... what happened to all the friends you ever met in high school? Did you keep in contact? If you did... did the 'nerds' become successful? The assholes never making it past co-manager at Wallmart? I'm dying to know.
Thanks guys.

I lost contact with everyone from high school. Once I graduated, I left high school and them in my past and never looked back.

Originally Posted by pj

I was one of the assholes, by the way. Stoned, belligerent and dishonest - all the qualities you'd look for in somebody to despise.

Who would have thought it from reading your posts. Time and maturity can change people (if they let it) and you are proof of that. I think you're one of the gentlest, most sincere, most caring people posting on Dream Views.

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He's younger than me, he's a different race than myself, he's a different faith than myself and, with all those differences.. he took on a women who had been battered and bruised, who'd had her confidence shattered and who had a toddler and not much else. On our first date, he came to the house, I opened the door, took him to my son's room and said, "this is my son.. he's been through a lot and HE is the most important thing in my life.. decide now if you can handle that". He looked at my sleeping son and then back at me and we've been together since that moment on. He stood with me through more than you can imagine. I've learned that what matters most for me in a life partner .. is does he make me feel good about myself when he's with me (and when he's not). Does he make me laugh and does he laugh with me. Can I talk to him about what's bothering me and does he really listen and at least try to understand. My husband went from having no children and no one to worry about but himself, to having a ready made family and he didn't miss a beat. Damn, I love him..

Wow Clairity, that is amazing. And inspirational. Props to your husband.

Originally Posted by Mes Tarrant

Wow Clairity, that is amazing. And inspirational. Props to your husband.

Yep.. he's definately a keeper!

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On our first date, he came to the house, I opened the door, took him to my son's room and said, "this is my son.. he's been through a lot and HE is the most important thing in my life.. decide now if you can handle that". He looked at my sleeping son and then back at me and we've been together since that moment on.

Well, this is starting MY day off all choked up.

Talk about having your priorities in order and being honest with yourself and others. And look what it got you!