Kumara

06/21/2011

1mg melatonin

- I woke up with an image of watching two people merge into one. A blonde-haired, blue-eyed "good" guy merging into a 'twin'. A narrative was running through my mind about how the one I was watching was a "man who visits brothels". I slipped out of the dream as my alarm went off and I received a clear message (it may have been in text on a dream-ticker) that "One is part of the All."



06/22/2011

1mg melatonin
200mcg huperzine-a (pm)

- I was walking down a street that looked like it was by 3rd and Pike/3rd and Union area in Downtown Seattle. To my right was a "JCP" department store (JC Penney?). I was surprised that there was one "just down the street from me" and I had only just noticed. (IRL there is one just down the street from me but I don't live in Seattle anymore.) I walked in and the merchandise was all really inexpensive, and extravagantly beaded and glittery gowns and hats mostly in black and gold. I had an idea to buy it all and then resell it "next year", for 99cents a piece, then realized that didn't make sense, I wouldn't make a profit because it cost more than that.

- I was in a kitchen talking to a woman who looked like Heather P. I think we were disagreeing about a philosophical view, emotional tone was more as though I were being lectured. She was kind of ranting about life being a long string of moments and waiting for the NOW that never comes. I was thinking that she probably wasn't making sense. I may have gone into
a small bathroom to hide from her.

- I was in a kitchen washing dishes with a female friend, telling her about the website Baggage Reclaim and how much it helped me when I realized I was emotionally unavailable,
dating emotionally unavailable men. I even shed a few tears. (This was related to a conversation I had with a friend the night before who seems to me to be pretty delusional about her marriage but at least on the right track to sorting things out. I wanted to tell her about how much the information on the site had helped me but it didn't seem appropriate.)

Note to self: I want to remember to process the emotional stuff (a la Ryan Hurd's suggestion) BEFORE I go
to sleep so my dreams aren't doing the crappy processing work.

Morning of Sun 06/19/2011

200mcg huperzine-a
4mg nicotine
1mg melatonin

Wake @ 2:30 am
Bed @ 4:00 am (so annoying that it takes me so long to get back to sleep)

Dream 1: I was talking to a baby with a really round head, blonde hair and startling blue eyes. At first I was going to pass it by, but I turned back and asked the baby to tell me something about myself. It said, "You are inquisitive and (something about awareness)."

Dream 2: I was moving into a new apartment, in a special complex. My mother was asking about the phone installation (IWL she use to be a telephone cable repair tech.) and I asked her why she wanted to know, because she's retired. She told me she gets called in for special contracts because she is the only one who can do certain types of work...I didn't want to tell her where my new place is, I didn't want her to mess with my phone and there was something with an image of Taylor in my mind when I was talking to her. I was evasive and annoyed because it felt like she was being smothering or invasive.
(***note - later in the day, I felt emotionally vulnerable. I saw some dragonflies over the fence, and my sister remarked that my grandmother had loved them. I didn't know that, and several thoughts of how dragonflies are a meaningful symbol to me and a particular experience with one just before I left the state all converged and I felt my grandmother's caring, guiding presence and burst into tears...my sister was really surprised by my display of emotion. Also, later, my mother came to me in the kitchen and said, "Thank you for being my daughter." which is really different from her usual "thank you for putting up with me."...and we hugged and kissed and I felt very tender toward her (VERY unusual, my mother and I have never been close)..and I spontaneously said to her, "Thank you for being my mother, nobody else could have done it like you." Which seems related to the "special contract" part of the dream. I'm quite pleased with the integration and processing work that seems to be happening!!***)

Snippet: I remember doing an RC by pinching my nose shut and realizing I could breathe but apparently I either don't remember what happened or the lucidity was very brief.