Schmaven's Dream Journal of Randomness

In a crowded section of New York City, flames erupt from the sewers as Satan himself rises from hell and bursts through the pavement of the road ahead of me, sending cars flying through the air and people running and screaming in all directions. He has a gang of demons around him, all made of flames, forming a painful looking perimeter of death and destruction around the Devil.

I am holding a dark gray cat, almost black, with white on its face and some of its paws I don't remember picking it up, but it seems to like being held. I cradle it on its back like a baby in my left arm, against my side, and hold its tail out in front of me like a cannon. I aim it at the Devil and make my best "Pew Pew!" noises. Almost like a "pshhyeeeoo!!!" As I make my very best laser noises, bright blue laser beams shoot out of the cats tail. They move through the air at about the speed of a jogger, so Satan easily dodges them.

I run toward Satan, aiming the cat's tail a few paces ahead of him and with "Pew Pew Pew Pew!" shoot four slow moving lasers out of the cat's tail into Satan's path. I almost got him this time! With great enthusiasm I go wild with my best "Pew Pew!" noises, filling the streets and alleys with blue lasers. 'If I shoot lasers everywhere, I can't miss.' I tell myself.

Satan dives behind a sky scraper and out of sight. I pre-fire a few laser blasts from the cat's tail down the next street in case he tries to run for it, and then run down the alley to cut him off before he can get away. He gave me the slip somehow, and I haven't got a clue where to find him now. I find myself at a busy intersection, looking every which way as traffic flows through. Next to me is a fire fighter and a cop. They look at me, then at the cat I'm cradling in my arm, and then at how I'm holding the cat's tail out in front of me with my other hand, and then look back to me.
"Check this out" I tell them as I aim the cat's tail in a harmless direction and say "Pew Pew Pew!" sending three bright blue laser beams slowly through the air.
"That's pretty cool" they tell me.
"I know, right?!"
"Aren't you going to film it or take a picture or something?" The firefighter asks me.
"No, I don't think anyone really needs to know about this. Plus I've gotta get Satan"
They both give me an understanding nod, and I start walking away as I think about where to look.

I take a picture of my mom's dog and cat as they are both sitting in the kitchen right next to each other. They both smile and look at the camera. The perfect shot. Funny how both the dog and the cat look alike, and also look like my dad's weird dog he has. My sister wants to see the picture, but when I look at it, they aren't looking at the camera anymore, even though I already took the picture. I look for another picture, but all I have are photos of the Simpsons in real life. Mostly weird ones, like a tiny animated devil sitting on a chair, with Maggie poking her head around the side, and Marge in the background. Or a photo of Mr Herman.

Suddenly I am on an airplane right next to an animated Mr Herman. Apparently he's a really fat guy, I'm not sure where his character comes from. He says, "I'm Mr. Herman!" and suddenly we're both falling from the plane. Now I'm watching us fall, hit the ground, but all cartoon like.

I stand up, the cartoon effect disappears, and there is a big bottle of whiskey in front of me. Kind of like Goldschlager, but with red bits instead of gold. Must be cinnamon flavored... An old friend next to me tells me I should have drank it earlier, but I can still drink it now. It seems like a tasty idea, so I reach for it, but wake up because I can't feel my arm, and my shoulder hurts. Arm =/= shoulder.

...All of this in an unplanned nap on the couch with the cat on me!

Having snuck into a hostile military base, I hide in the men's restroom as some soldiers pass by. Grabbing a mob and bucket, I act like the janitor, and exit the room, walking casually toward the middle of the huge building I'm in. I am grabbed from behind by a soldier, but wrestle free from his grip and run. Tackled by two other soldiers, they bind my hands in thick metal bars, just about as thick as my wrist is.

Roaring defiantly, I summon super-human strength and rip free from the shackles. Some soldiers see this and shoot at me. Pulsing with strength, the bullets bounce off my chest as I walk toward them and throw them across the room. More to get them to stop shooting than to kill them, but it was a hard toss. With some brief freedom, I try to think of why I came in here in the first place. Nothing coming to mind, I walk out, and see all my friends just lounging around on top of and leaning against the high walls of this building. Just enjoying the sunny day, they wave at me as I look for a spot to sit as well.

One of them calls out to me from atop the wall, "Aren't you forgetting something inside there?" as he points back into the large structure.

I suppose he could be right, so I go back in. Now abandoned, I walk right up to the middle, and see a glowing red and orange hole in the floor. It looks like it goes all the way down to the magma. It sure is hot. More pieces of the floor fall into it as the hole expands with a terrible rumbling and shaking like a demonic earth quake. The building seems like it is beginning to collapse now. I run through falling debris to get outside just in time for most of the building inside the walls to cave into the fiery pit.

Erupting from this massive hole, already about 1 mile across, is Satan. None other than the devil himself. The ground buckles up forming a giant crater around him as he rises to spectacular heights in the sky. Like a giant mountain, his torso sits upon a swirling vortex of fiery magma, as wide as the hole. His body appears to be composed of the same, all encased in some thick black spiky armor. Thicker than I am tall, it covers his whole torso, most of his arms, and also forms a horned helmet with slits for eye holes. Inside of the helmet just glows the color of a hot fire.

I suppose I am the one tasked with defeating him. I still have the capability of increasing my strength, but looking up at him now, it looks like quite the challenge.

My thoughts are interrupted by Satan's attack. He swings a large spiked mass. A mixture of whatever his armor is and liquid magma, all connected to a large chain. The school bus sized spiked mass lands with a loud thump as I jump out of the way. Swinging it so fast, it takes all I've got just to get out of the way in time. He laughs and swings again. I have hardly enough time to regain my footing before I sprint and dive out of the way again. Small craters where he has struck make it harder to move around.

I don't have any weapons at all other than my fists. I look around for anything I can use, and there is nothing. The sky swirls with dark gray clouds above Satan's head. He opens his mouth to reveal yet more flames and molten metal as he stares at me. Letting out a ground trembling roar, he swings again.

Since it seems rather hopeless, I decide to at least have fun with the situation at hand. I jump onto his weapon just as he pulls it back. Hanging on tightly, I soar back up to his level, about 2 miles above the ground. Jumping off at just the right time, I plant my feet on his left shoulder and kick off with all my strength toward his face. Crossing just in front of his helmet, I poke him in the eye with my finger as I laugh a bit.

This seems to only further aggravate him as he clenches his jaw and growls at me.

Saved by the alarm clock!