Dream Dream Dream Dream Dream Dream

Had an episode of nightmare SP while on my side/stomach, which seems kind of unusual. Also first time I've had SP. Bleuch.

Dream 1 - Dream SP?
Started out with me dreaming I was in a grocery store with Andrew at like, 6 am, so maybe it counted as a false awakening? The grocery store was mostly deserted. Then I was trying to walk normally but I kept sort of falling into a crouch or to one knee. I couldn't seem to stand up, not for longer than a few seconds. I had the impression it was because of the shoulder-strap bag I was carrying, maybe it was way, way too heavy.

Anyway before all that happened it was just a nice 6 AM grocery store visit. I also got the impression that nearby was an older couple who visited the grocery store at 6 AM as a nice little custom of theirs, before other people were around. And also I was trying to find a nice jug of apple cider, but I kept running into the storebrand stuff, which was kinda watery looking and bleh.

Then I started having trouble staying up, like I was just too tired, and the bag was too heavy. I made continuous and valiant efforts to rise, but even when I could stand up, staying standing was impossible to maintain. I think it kept getting worse, but before it hit that point I ran into some older dude who chatted me up and then invited me to his and his wife's divorce ceremony; she showed up around when he was saying that and I noticed two rather recent-looking scars on the back of her right wrist. It sort of looked like a failed suicide attempt. I determined that the older dude was Pretty Terrible.

At some point the mp3 player in my bag started going off. I don't know what song it was playing. I started digging through my bag looking for it, but even this was difficult; I was not only weak, but uncoordinated. Also, around this point Andrew had been replaced by Ben, who I spotted wandering away from me, and following him was impossible. I think I called after him. Probably some sort of striking metaphor for coolkids goin' to college. And the random peeps around me didn't seem to notice that I was in need of assistance. It was all pretty weird.

Uhhh I think I woke up briefly and then slipped into a nightmare.

Dream 2 - Nightmare
Bleuuuhhh I don't remember much of this, except the traumatizing part. It was basically like watching a movie. Trigger warning: rape, etc.

*siiigghhh* okay all I remember is that the movie was cutting back and forth between two different groups, one of which was two businessmen, and the other one being, idk, a woman and her friends ?? so I really only remember a couple cuts before it got dark. It cut from the female group to the two guys in an elevator, one being some guy who'd been around in the company longer but maybe wasn't much older than the other guy and was probably a psychopath and wore glasses, and the other being some dude who was pretty similar but did not wear glasses and I'm not sure how to describe their characteristics. Then a cut to the woman and her friends goin' out in the dark to party or coming back from a party, idk. And then just this fricking cut to the glasses psychopath raping the other guy, who was pinned down, gagged, and making pitiful noises that have thankfully slipped my memory, while the glasses psychopath was talking like this was perfectly normal or doing some sort of villain monologue. My brain flipped the frick out like "what he must've chloroformed the guy oh no him being alone in the elevator with him was such a mistake I want to wake up now", and then I think I was awake.

dat SP tho
So I was awake (though still mentally only half-awake) and still traumatized and wanted to just kinda get up, but I couldn't move. It didn't really occur to me that this was a huge issue. I think I was just waiting for my body to move. I was on my stomach with my head turned to the right looking at my desk, and the edge of the bed was right next to me. So, when it became clear that my body was not going to move, I decided that I was just going to roll off the edge of my bed and wake myself up. These calculations were all done while I was still half-awake, and some part of my mind was processing the whole not-moving thing in a fairly analytical way that (for the moment) staved off panic. (Also, realistically, there wasn't really room for me to roll off the bed, and I would've probably hit the desk and ended up awkwardly wedged between it and the bed frame to some degree, but at the time that seemed a reasonable risk and/or I felt invincible, like I was still dreaming, and/or my view of the floor was a bit skewed so it seemed like I should've been able to land without injury. Presumably the same part of my brain that jumps out dream windows was managing things.)

My plan to roll off the bed failed as I continued to not be able to move. It didn't feel like being pinned down. It sort of felt like being too ill or tired to move, which for some reason felt familiar, though no real reason for that comes to mind. I still wasn't panicking, just sort of continuously sending signals to my body that it should roll off the bed.

Then, all at once, fear rolled over me and I started hyperventilating through my nose. I got the impression that if I looked over my shoulder, I'd see a demon on my back. I looked back (I could only move my eyes) and seemed to glimpse darkness; not the absence of light but something that entirely defies light. At the same time, there was a building roar in my right ear, and something like a demon voice laughing or making some kinda weird noise, not actually speaking, and maybe some third louder noise, and then it all just snapped off like a light switch.

I can't clearly remember the line between being paralyzed and suddenly not being paralyzed. Looking back it seemed like I started getting up the second I was able to, though not in a panicking way (wasn't hyperventilating anymore either). The fear had been temporary and sort of artificial, as if it was just sort of The Thing To Do in that instance, which is reminiscent of other nightmares. I suppose the reason for that is that realistically, there isn't much for me to be afraid of. If I'm afraid of something in a dream, it's because I'm supposed to be, but I don't really have a death phobia in dreams so that lends a sort of invincibility. Bahhhh I can't explain it. I'll try again later.