nightmare

This dream is a very personal dream to me... It has a lot to do with my past as well as all of my siblings past too. Might take me awhile to get through writing this one all down but i will just take my time.

At this time of my life i had just had my daughter, she was only a few months old and i had an allergic reaction to an anti-depressant that i was prescribed for depression. This depression stemmed from my childhood.

When the ambulance arrived to take me to the ER for dizziness, numb fingertips, spinning room and blackness from the allergic reaction they informed me that 2 hospitals were full and they were taking me to St. Francis and while in the ER they asked if i could be "Pregnant" since they were drawing some blood they wanted to check. Sure enough i was pregnant with our youngest and my daughter was only 6 months old. So not only was i having an allergic reaction, thinking i was depressed but i was pregnant. I wasn't depressed i was hormonal and didn't need these meds anyway.

So i still agreed to go to a hospital for Psychiatric treatment. Still thinking there was something wrong with me because that is what the doctors kept telling me so i wanted to make sure so i went. Ended up staying in a mental hospital 10 days. They couldn't give me any meds because i was pregnant and had to get in touch with my OBGYN so i was completely sober, drug free and able to remember my dreams.

2 nights straight I had the same dream. I was asleep in my bedroom, I was the same age as i was then in 2005. Age 35. While i was asleep a stranger had come to my bedroom door but all i could see was a mans shadow. This shadow kept pulling my body towards it and i was frightened in this dream. I jumped out of bed and held onto the bathroom door, my feet all a sudden floated up and my body was being forced towards this shadow, i held on for dear life until i realized who the shadow was. My oldest brother.

I awoke the next morning in fear of him. I just knew something was wrong and i was determined to figure it all out. I started by calling my other 3 siblings, All of them are older than me. They were 20 (My oldest brother), 18 (sister), 16 (brother) and 14 (sister) when i was born in 1971. I started with the youngest sister because we are the closest and i asked her if she ever had any problems with this older brother sexually assaulting her or acting odd around her, she couldn't remember anything bad. I then moved onto my oldest sister who had some things to tell me. She had informed me that when she was in High school my brothers best friend kept asking her out. She didn't like him but our brother kept telling her to go out with him that he was a nice guy and that she would like him too so she decided to give him a chance, that same guy that begged my sister to go out with him and my brother begged her to do it too ended up raping my sister, come to find out my brother knew all along what this creep was doing which is why he told Kay to go out with him so basically he set up his own sister to get raped.

Well it doesn't end there, next i talked with my other brother. At first when i asked him he said he couldn't remember anything odd or wrong. Then 3 months later his wife called me and said she needed to talk to me and was I sitting down? She proceeded to tell me that my brother who at the time was 50 years old curled up on his couch into a fetal position and confessed that our oldest brother raped and molested him throughout his whole childhood which is why he quit high school to join the army at 16 years old to get away from our oldest brother. I also found out that a cousin and an Uncle of ours also molested him when he was a child. My heart dropped i knew right then and there that God was allowing me to remember not only to help me but to help my brother through a terrible time in his life too. It was then i realized my brother had also raped and molested me I can even figure out what day it happened I just cannot remember the details of the incident which i am very grateful for.

So whether i want to say this was a "Vison from God" or just a "dream" either way it has been able to heal some and hurt others. After some careful consideration i ended up sending this "older" brother an email telling him i figured out everything he had done to us when we were children and that i told our parents and that everyone knew who he was and what he did. I however never received a reply back or a message that the email was "undeliverable" so i have no idea if he really knows that we know what happened but i can tell you this, He sure doesn't act like we know anything.

For those of you wondering.....My father was on what we thought was his deathbed when he had a brain tumor removed. During his visit in the hospital this brother called him. For my father's sake as well as my Mother's i decided to talk to him for the 1st time in over 6 years and allow a "distant" relationship to start, i still have not come eye to eye with this sibling and i am not sure yet how i will react towards him all i know is my heart towards him is not as evil now as it was when i first figured this all out.