Kumara

Wed morning 06/28/2011

120mg lithium
1 Natra sleep
250mg choline

My mother gave Toni and me each windchimes. I held mine up close to my face, saw that it was blue, and it was weird dreamlike all I could see until I moved it away from my face, and then I could see that the top of it was a light blue pac-man ghost with a glass shard hanging from it in the middle of the chimes nearly the same color about the length and breadth of my forearm. I don’t remember what Toni’s was.

There was also something about flying a flag, that I can sort of see in my mind and it wasn’t really a flag...and my mom gave me some clothes that were too big that I thanked her for, and Toni was saying how if they were ...some kind of particular size, (the right size) then I’d be even happier and somehow as she was talking it was like the clothes in my hands were changing to the right size and also changing into capri jeans that I like.

1 Natra Sleep
200 mcg huperzine before bed

I was in a room with a guy, thinking “Spanish”, maybe he was Spanish, I dunno. He had short dark hair, and light brown skin like he might have been. We talked, and then we kissed, I remember worrying about whether he thought I was a good kisser, and knowing I hadn’t brushed my teeth that day. We stood up, held hands and faced a wall that had a lot of maps hanging on it. We were staring at the maps and I think we were wondering which one to choose. They were hanging sideways and had white frames, they looked like world maps and I was thinking they were framed to fit on bikes (but they were large, about 3’ long). He kissed me again and I was surprised…I think he asked me to massage his back and I did a bit.

Then I went into the kitchen and started loading dishes in the dishwasher. After a short time, he followed me in and asked me to do some more work on his back. I felt resistant, didn’t really want to, mostly because I didn’t know how to help him (and I think I was afraid he'd be dependent on me to keep helping him). Then I suddenly had an idea of standing in front of him, reaching behind his back, placing my knuckles on his lower back and dragging them forward, around to the front. This seemed to work really well, he was delighted and making all kinds of jerky movements with his shoulders.

WBTB
bed @ 11pm
wake @ 4am
bed @ 5am
wake @ 7:45am

8g galantamine
2mg melatonin
250mg choline

galantamine fail. could be due to previous nights huperzine use

I was at a party with some of the women from the 'scene', the 'other' April and maybe Ali was there. I just remember being on a couch hanging out, then in a room where April handed me two cookies and said, "Here, eat these." I did, and then I started to feel high. I asked her if they were 'special' cookies and she said yes, and I was upset because I have been clean for 6 months and didn't really WANT to get stoned (gee, galantamine, a little lucidity would have been nice here...).

Snippet of a guy being unhappy with his girlfriend, I remember some kind of rock n roll dude that picked his gf up like a doll and showed her to me, she was blonde with colorful tats along her shoulders, I was thinking something like they made a good pair.

At some point I was trying to find my shirt because I was sitting around in only my panties feeling exposed.

I was massaging a guy's neck and woke briefly from the dream to find myself massaging my right thigh.

WBTB
wake @ 4am
sleep @ 5:30(ish)
200mcg huperzine-a
8mg nicotine gum

I enter the dream knowing I am dreaming...
I have a task in mind, and also open myself to what the dreams wants to show me first.
I fly through a dimly light park at night. There are trees, and I want to fly to a tree and nestle in it. I approach a tree and fly up into the branches, it has no leaves, I realize it is rotting. There is a huge trunk-like branch falling off, and I see that wherever there are big branches, they are falling off because of letter-sized sheets of paper embedded in the trunk, keeping the branch from attaching properly to the trunk. I land on the large "trunk" and it sways and I stay as light as possible so it doesn't break off**. I pull out the sheet of paper and read it, it's fairly clear but I don't remember exactly what it says just that I understand it is a criminal rap sheet. I think, "but this isn't ME!" and I'm wondering about it, when a group of cops show up with flashlights and flashing lights.

I panicked for a moment and started to fly away, then flew down and faced them directly, choosing an open, friendly attitude and emotional tone. I don't remember exactly what we talked about, I explained myself, and they responded in a manner of, "oh, ok, no problem" and left. As they left, I was pressed in from all sides by a multitude of people. I noticed an impulse to fight them, but I let myself feel it and acknowledge it without acting on it while I sorted through appropriate responses and settled on projecting a solid field of light pink love.

Almost immediately they all dispersed and (I might have this mixed up with another part of the dream sequence) I notice one really big guy. I jumped on him and hugged him, really pleased to see him. I kissed him, thinking, "integration".

I flew back to the tree, and wrapped myself around a branch and hugged it.
There is more in between I do not remember.

I find myself standing in a dimly lit room, watching a man sitting next to a teenager who is lying on a couch. They are dark-skinned. The boy is ill and feeling bad, and the man is striking the boy with small, precise BAPS that spark in the dark. He is berated the boy for feeling bad. I didn't really want to be in on this scene, and I ask the dream, "Am I really needed here?"
"Yes" is the answer.
Ok. So I say to the man, "I notice that you are sitting there hurting him and then wondering why he feels bad and getting mad at him about it!" The scene then shifts, and the boy is lying in twin-sized bed next to me on my right, I am on his left side. The sheet over him is cream-colored, pulled up nearly to his chin, the head/footboard are a simple wood fram, similar to mission-style. The boy has now changed to someone more feminine.

I lay my hands on her belly, left of center, and run Frequency 17. She groans a little. Then I move further down her belly, it might have been the womb area, and I say to her, "This is where all of your ancestral money stuff is..." and run Frequency 27 into it. I move slightly as she groans and vomits into a bin on the side of the bed (that is a pale mustard color and looks like those ikea shoe bins that hang on the wall with 3 drawers). I had opened the bottom bin for her...she spewed and filled it up, I pulled the bin out and moved it away, then tried to make another one appear but couldn't so I opened the second one for her, anticipating more spewage. There may have been just a bit more.

I turned to face her, and she was a beautiful woman with broad features that seemed somewhat asian, she looked a lot like my friend Stepha, and her skin was light golden brown and covered with freckles. She had warm brown eyes and a kind, gentle smile. I suddenly wanted to kiss her and have sex with her, we may have kissed (if we did anything else I don't remember).

Another snippet of being in a restaurant that reminded me of a country diner. I decided to fly out through the ceiling and the first time I tried I bounced against the ceiling and fell back to the floor. I laughed and was a little embarrassed and other people saw it. I checked...ok I *did* just fly so I am dreaming...and tried again, this time a little slower and it was like flying through gel. I flew through several layers and I wondered whether I would ever find open space then I flew through one last layer that was like the dome of "the capitol building" and silver, and wa-la, open air.

I flew along and landed in garden that I thought of as "English". Three people approached me, the one in the middle had something that looked like my shower backscrubber that he started to poke me with. I gave him some very firm yet kind command NOT to do that, and the guy to my left reacted very surprised and said, "You are quite the diplomat!". We talked about I don't know what and I flew on.

Without deciding to, I found myself zooming along in outerspace, going faster and faster, realizing how easy and effortless it was and how it was further and faster than "anyone's" been before. A space shuttle flew up beside me so I paused and it stopped and several astronauts disembarked and they all streamed around me. I didn't want to let them get too close, I think they wanted to catch me so I stayed just out of their reach (they all were tethered by air lines to the shuttle.) I don't remember what happened after that, I'm pretty sure it wasn't the end of the dream...I hope I flew on!

There was more, but in the dream I decided that it was really more important to stay in and do the healing and integration stuff I was doing rather than try to wake up to remember it.

***The dream tree to me represents a family tree - and I felt like this dream was showing me that ancestral criminal acts were somehow affecting the tree and disintegrating it. I am adopted, and have had a lifelong terror of "going to jail", even though that isn't something that I was raised with or threatened with, and my bio sister has a criminal history. So, I think I'm going to check in on the tree later, maybe it was enough to just be aware and know the person in the rap sheet wasn't me.

06/21/2011

1mg melatonin

- I woke up with an image of watching two people merge into one. A blonde-haired, blue-eyed "good" guy merging into a 'twin'. A narrative was running through my mind about how the one I was watching was a "man who visits brothels". I slipped out of the dream as my alarm went off and I received a clear message (it may have been in text on a dream-ticker) that "One is part of the All."



06/22/2011

1mg melatonin
200mcg huperzine-a (pm)

- I was walking down a street that looked like it was by 3rd and Pike/3rd and Union area in Downtown Seattle. To my right was a "JCP" department store (JC Penney?). I was surprised that there was one "just down the street from me" and I had only just noticed. (IRL there is one just down the street from me but I don't live in Seattle anymore.) I walked in and the merchandise was all really inexpensive, and extravagantly beaded and glittery gowns and hats mostly in black and gold. I had an idea to buy it all and then resell it "next year", for 99cents a piece, then realized that didn't make sense, I wouldn't make a profit because it cost more than that.

- I was in a kitchen talking to a woman who looked like Heather P. I think we were disagreeing about a philosophical view, emotional tone was more as though I were being lectured. She was kind of ranting about life being a long string of moments and waiting for the NOW that never comes. I was thinking that she probably wasn't making sense. I may have gone into
a small bathroom to hide from her.

- I was in a kitchen washing dishes with a female friend, telling her about the website Baggage Reclaim and how much it helped me when I realized I was emotionally unavailable,
dating emotionally unavailable men. I even shed a few tears. (This was related to a conversation I had with a friend the night before who seems to me to be pretty delusional about her marriage but at least on the right track to sorting things out. I wanted to tell her about how much the information on the site had helped me but it didn't seem appropriate.)

Note to self: I want to remember to process the emotional stuff (a la Ryan Hurd's suggestion) BEFORE I go
to sleep so my dreams aren't doing the crappy processing work.

Morning of Sun 06/19/2011

200mcg huperzine-a
4mg nicotine
1mg melatonin

Wake @ 2:30 am
Bed @ 4:00 am (so annoying that it takes me so long to get back to sleep)

Dream 1: I was talking to a baby with a really round head, blonde hair and startling blue eyes. At first I was going to pass it by, but I turned back and asked the baby to tell me something about myself. It said, "You are inquisitive and (something about awareness)."

Dream 2: I was moving into a new apartment, in a special complex. My mother was asking about the phone installation (IWL she use to be a telephone cable repair tech.) and I asked her why she wanted to know, because she's retired. She told me she gets called in for special contracts because she is the only one who can do certain types of work...I didn't want to tell her where my new place is, I didn't want her to mess with my phone and there was something with an image of Taylor in my mind when I was talking to her. I was evasive and annoyed because it felt like she was being smothering or invasive.
(***note - later in the day, I felt emotionally vulnerable. I saw some dragonflies over the fence, and my sister remarked that my grandmother had loved them. I didn't know that, and several thoughts of how dragonflies are a meaningful symbol to me and a particular experience with one just before I left the state all converged and I felt my grandmother's caring, guiding presence and burst into tears...my sister was really surprised by my display of emotion. Also, later, my mother came to me in the kitchen and said, "Thank you for being my daughter." which is really different from her usual "thank you for putting up with me."...and we hugged and kissed and I felt very tender toward her (VERY unusual, my mother and I have never been close)..and I spontaneously said to her, "Thank you for being my mother, nobody else could have done it like you." Which seems related to the "special contract" part of the dream. I'm quite pleased with the integration and processing work that seems to be happening!!***)

Snippet: I remember doing an RC by pinching my nose shut and realizing I could breathe but apparently I either don't remember what happened or the lucidity was very brief.

galantamine 8g
choline 500mg
melatonin 1mg

wake @ 3:30am
sleep @ 6:00am
wake @ 7:45 am

Astarius and the Whiny Vampire-thing

-I was lucid, in a bedroom by myself. I was trying to stabilize in the dream, and it was really dim. I was rubbing myself all over and saying, "I am lucid, the world is vivid" over and over. I got out of bed, and saw a small black creature on a long chain, on the bed. It looked like my sister's small dog, but I couldn't be sure. I wanted to let it go, but I didn't know what it was so I kept trying to get the lights on, saying, "lights on" and "I have the vision of the eagle" over and over, and finally tried to use the light switch, which didn't work. (Note to self: try "vision of the owl" or "night vision" in the future)

- I was becoming lucid, and realizing I was surrounded by a crowd of shadows pressing in on me. I stood up to one guy, and was asking him, "what do you represent? what do you want? do you have a gift for me?" I backed him against a wall, turns out he didn't have a gift for me so I pulled a ruby out of my heart and gave it to him. We were kind of at a standstill, and I asked, "God, what do I do with this person?". A ceramic mask appeared over the guys eyes, we both felt relieved, he said "thank you". I walked to the front of the house and came to a window. I carefully pressed on the window and it maybe cracked slightly but I dove through it pretty easily and flew out.

-Lucid - I was flying around and asked the dream to "show me something important". I was transported to a room where a (guy?) with a slight build was lying in fetal position on the floor, facing me, dressed in black. He started to tell me some kind of story about helplessness, and he bared his teeth which looked like vampire teeth...he started to tell me about how he "had" to be a vampire, he had no choice, some really whiny poor-me story. Then he bit my index finger on my right hand and latched on. I tried to shake him off by slamming him against the floor and the wall...and then I called out, "ASTARIUS!" The wall in front of me opened up and Astarius appeared and with his usual amazingly bright smile and attitude, said, "YES!" I held my hand out to him with the thing stuck to it which was becoming mush by that time and I was realizing it was not as it seemed...and asked him, 'what do I do with THIS?" and he pulled out a tissue and said, "let me help you with that, it's just a little sumpin' sumpin'. I expressed gratitude and appreciation for him and told him I'd let him get back to bed (he was dressed similar to the way he always dresses, except it looked like he was in jammies pattern).

Still lucid - Flying on - I tried to fly up into the black night sky. I couldn't get very far so I called an angel for help, as usual an angel never came so I just started wondering if some part of me would help me. A guy who looked a lot like Taylor zoomed alongside me and helped me fly and I asked him what he represented. He said something like "your bioelectric system" or something. He had a blue rubber headgear that looked like a superhero costume. He told me that "it is IMPERATIVE that you continue to take physical action", which I agreed, I understood it to be connected to something I thought of for solstice, as well as being kind of lazy about sitting back and waiting for the universe to hand me things. We flew to an ice rink where people were ice skating, and I remembered I had ice skated before and liked it and didn't suck too bad.

Flying around somewhere else later - I arrived at a building that had an opening to the right and spiral steps carved into the building going in and down, a purple light was glowing from the center. I thought of it as "Astarius's place". I tried to get in through the stairs, but they did an Alice in Wonderland on me and changed and got smaller and smaller or I got bigger, and couldn't fit. So I tried to get in through another entrance, the wall opened up to reveal something that looked like a desk, and there were boxes of pens in UV pastels all laid out. I was trying to dive in through without messing up the order, and tried to dive in but it was a little solid and so I tried moving everything out of the way telekinetically and stacking it all to the side and diving it, for some reason I don't think I made it in.