NBF's DJ

I'm back home by the lakeside after the department-store incident. I'd backed down with the police. I have a car. I have to go to a scene study group tonight. I'm finishing watching an old episode of Little House on the Prairie (playing on my TV as I'm sleeping in real life) and hoping to finish a due report as my parents come home. I'd really been hoping to leave before their arrival in order to avoid any trouble, and I know they're going to want to "discuss" this out (yell at me, put me down and hit me) instead of letting me go out. Then I hear my parents down at the lake trying get the boat into the water in high waves. My sister Bren and her friends, and Joanne and her friends, are there playing and there are a bunch of children flying kites. Dad comes in the front of the house and collapses exhaustedly on a chair. He's present-day Dad, and he's had two full-leg amputations. I ask him if he needs anything, and he says just get that damn Little House on the Prairie the hell off the TV so he can watch the news. I can't turn the show off (it's playing in real life), so I just toss him the controls and rush out to help Mom, who I can see is face down in the water with the boat out behind her. I almost trip over Dad's prosthetic legs on the way down to the beach. They've been discarded right before the steps to the house. I get to the beach and Mom is standing up by this time and the boys are in the boat having a good time. I brave Mom's thunderous look and ask her if she needs anything. She doesn't respond. I ask her if she needs a towel or a blanket and she says yes please. Some of her friends are on the dock judging me for being an unhelpful daughter. I run to the beach house to get the towel and shake the sand and spiders out of it before I bring it to her. Then I leave her there and run back up the hill, tripping over one of the kite strings - which takes me up, flying. It's a good feeling and it shows that I'm being included in the family games. I consider not going to the scene study because being included in the family fun is huge. As I'm trying to make thiis decision, I wake up.

My dad, my sister Bren, and I are in a department store. I've just completely defied the family by refusing to go to an all-day Mennonite church service and opting to hang out with the backsliders in the Mennonite Social Club instead. I'm refusing to say I'm sorry, and I'm telling my father he can't boss me around. I'm trying to get them to follow me to the Mennonite Social Club to show them that it isn't sinful. My father starts chasing me and hitting me with his fists. There's nothing in the Bible that specifically says he can't do that. I cower and try to protect myself. I yell at passers-by, "Help! Please call the police!" but no one helps, they just stare. I finally get away and he orders me, "Get in the car!" I say no. I keep refusing and I leave. Then my father starts to get flirty and cajoling. He calls me his little girl. I don't like the way he looks at me. He goes off to look at the rest of the store, and then he shows up again with a sly smile, saying, "I tricked you. You thought I'd left you. But here I am." I run away. I find a clothing store manager and tell her everything that's going on. She says we'll have to find store security and they will report it to the police. I'm just trying to GET it to the police, and no one seems willing to help me so far. The store manager finds one of her bosses and I tell her the story. They all say, "You poor child," and try to console me, but I can see they're also too freaked out to want to get involved. I go back to the part of the store where Bren and my dad were waiting. I see a note from Bren about where dinner is, etc. and they've gone home. I look around and there are a bunch of presents to unwrap! It's also a living room display, so it looks like it's my own apartment. I learn from security that I'll be allowed to stay in the store overnight and to help myself to any products I may need, such as toothpaste or shampoo. I'm happy. I discover that Bren has left a stick of chocolate licorice to make up for anything my father did. I still want to report my father, but I'm enjoying the comforts of this home display and considering just letting things be and accepting the gifts of material comforts and security. Someone shows up with "sexual intent vision" glasses to spot any illicit intentions on the part of my dad during his next appearance. I wear them too when my father shows up the next day, but I worry because I'm not good at pointing the camera while hiding that I'm wearing them. I'd also be punished severely for that unthinkable level of defiance toward my parents. That's when I wake up with an intense vascular headache and feeling sick to my stomach.

Real-life note: My father hit me, but never sexually abused me. He would be horrified and devastated if he ever knew that at 14, I was generally terrified that he might cross that line. I suffer from PTSD related to treatment by my parents and bullying in school. Also, I needed extra Clonazepam (extra-dosed under medical advice) to get to sleep last night because I'd run out of Mirapex.