Crusader's Journal

July 2013

In those days I was trying to get out of body by direct way before sleep, it is successful one. About 12 evening I went to bed with intention of direct way, and relax on the back without moving and calm the mind. Attempting to not fall asleep and catch slumber. Had a condition of semi-sleep, then was short dip in consciousness, one episode of dream, where I go on the field, after I was in the body with phantom sensations. Understood what was happening, awareness come back to me, and I try to get out. Crawl from my body, strong resistance pulls me back, and no vision. It is impossible to break away, and thinking "Motivation is not enough, there is no desire to fight". I ceased to apply effort and probably I was back into body. Then I think "if I can't, I just wish to appear in the room" and next moment I was standing in my room.

I immediately knew that came out, remember these feeling and happy. At once was stable space, no gaps in perception. I came to the window and look at it, see the yard. Decide to go through glass, but could not to pass through it. Then I try to go through the wall, put my hands into it, made an effort, and it does not work too. Look outside and see that there is not even beautiful, the yard is not like in real life and not embellished, landscape such as an location in some old computer game, got bored, and changed my mind to get off.

I think what can be done and remember one thing I wanted to do - look at my physical body. Turned back at room, see walls with a little gray lines and dashes, on bed I saw someone under a blanket. There was a slight feeling of anxiety, something like: I do it for the first time, it is important moment but gained confidence, going closer and knelt before him. I look and see my face, I was lying on right side, and at that moment my body head rises, opens his eyes, looking at me and starts to do some grimaces, in the eyes is seen that there seems to be no consciousness now, an unpleasant sight, but I decided to endure it and look at it for a while.

Having seen enough, I got up and thought what to do next. I decide to leave the room, open a door, handle is opened as in real life even with same sound.
Walk in the hallway, and wanted to enter into next room, door was open. As soon I come some one said "who is here?" I'm afraid that I will seen as a ghost and ran back to my room. Then I thought that is a good result, and decided to return into body at will, close to my body and wished to return, immediately open eyes and I was lying in same position how I saw myself from outside.
(Now I think that was a ghost of the physical body.)