Lily,
You feel beat up with a dingy outlook. It seems the two meant companionship or not being alone, and the other girl meant being alone.
Did you kill both ideas or sides of you? Do you feel that you alone are no good, so being with others can't be either? Or in some situation or regard anyway. Before you or relationships can barely grow?
So you did not know how you made these parts of you disappear, you just know you did kill them, that makes you feel guilty. And maybe your guilt is what killed you too.
You went over and over this in your mind it seems.
REVERSING IT
Until you think of reversing this dingy heavy situation which is a hard haul. You wait for when you will die to save your ungrown self.
CORRECTION:
But why wait til you die inside? You can stop that from happening before it has a chance, if you reverse the trend fully, and start seeing your self worth.
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