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    1. #1
      Join Date
      Nov 2013

      Watching a man kill himself?


      I had a dream last night that really scared me and want some help trying to interpret it, or see if my own feelings about it are reasonable.

      Where I remember it starting out was in a light blue painted living room, i'm sitting in front of a TV. A bit like a little kid watching something entertaining. It was some kind of silly action movie on TV. A woman is trapped neck deep in dirt, in trouble and around then is when I start thinking really hard about how I thought the actor Bill Murray was really cool, I liked him a lot. I guess it's his acting style I really enjoyed. I loved him in GhostBusters, Lost in Translation and A Life Aquatic. Then as I'm thinking that my focus shifts to a man sitting in what looks like a doctor's office waiting room that becomes a part of the living room I am in. His clothes are dark, looks like a leather jacket, jeans. He looks old and kind of haggard. Not like 60-80 elderly, but maybe 40-50 and very rough. Like he's been through some things in his like, maybe a drinker. I thought he looked a little bit like Bill Murray, but it wasn't actually him.

      As soon as it changes focus, I look at him and ask "why are you sad?" or something very close to that, I can't remember exactly. Then he replies to me and sounds mad "Because of my daughter's death!" he said. Then I think he mutters something close to "there's not much I can do now". My view zooms up on his face, he reels forward in the chair and you can see him with a very intense and struggling kind of face, like he's struggling really hard to lift a heavy object, veins bulging on is forehead some, sweaty. But what happens is he tightly shuts his eyes like he's going to cry but rather than tears, it looks a bit like pus and blood. Then it zooms back a bit and you see him lunge forward in his chair, kinda whipping his head forward, then quick whipping backwards and letting his head take the whiplash of it. I thought he broke his neck doing that, and just as I thought he died I hear someone call out "he must be dead" and that just confirmed it for all I knew. After that commotion my view shifts back to the TV and I see the woman who was trapped in dirt gets out somehow, I'm not clear how. But she being shot at by multiple men only about 10 feet away from her with rapid fire guns and is miraculously not being hit at all. Then I sprang up excitedly, I guess entranced by the movie antics saying "wow how is she not being hit?? that's impossible!" then I woke up. Feeling very startled by the man dying and I also had to use the bathroom.

      I felt only slightly surprised as the man shouted and "killed" himself, but I was just watching the whole time. Not reacting much at all. Plus it all happened pretty fast. The most emotion I showed was at the end there, when I saw the woman.

      I'll write here what's going on in my life outside my dreams. I'm a 23 yearold male, living with my elderly mom, she's 67. I have recently(2 or 3 weeks) been having a lot of fear and anxiety about many things going on my life. Many changes to my behavior, and conquering fears I've had for most of my childhood and early adulthood. The most prominent change now is being able to openly express my feelings and not judging myself for it. I very much had the "a man doesn't share how he feels among others" mindset stuck in my mind for a long time. I'm now making a very drastic change in my life, of actually doing that. Allowing myself to feel, rather than bury something i'm upset about or feel strongly about. Especially with friends and strangers. I feel it's working out okay, it makes me happy to express and be honest about how I feel. However I am also having very bad lows tied with it. I feel depressed, and have panic attacks when I begin doubting my abilities or think about "what happens if" when I forgot to either do something I meant to, or didn't follow my feelings and allowed myself to bury my emotions again. Through this i've been learning to be cope with big anxieties I had, like "what happens to me when my mom dies?" and "what happens when we dont have anymore food in the house?" The latter stems from our financial situation being pretty rough, I don't have an income and my mom works a LOT in order to keep her bills from piling up. She's told me she doesn't have much at all to spend on food, so we have been relying on friends and local food charities to help us out. This circumstance has scared me and led me to come to big realizations and I felt pushed to really look for an everyday job, not exactly by her, but myself.(i am still looking for one as well, it seems to be a test of patience) It also led to me expressing about things I have bottled up and kept secret for many years. It's been hard, but it's made me feel better about myself and cleared a lot of things I had issues with. I'm still in that process of expression, so I have unfinished business.

      My idea on the dream mixed with what i've been going through emotionally, is that I noticed I still have trouble allowing myself to cry. I feel like I really have to be at my wits end to start crying, such as during a panic episode or having someone say something very meaningful to me. However when I say something meaningful to myself in my head or feel very down I have a hard time doing it. I'm thinking that if the man had abscessed tearducts, and he just ends up killing himself all of a sudden. I'm thinking maybe it's my sub conscious telling me I need to trust myself enough to say it's ok to cry? I really believe I don't trust myself with a lot of things still as I work on all this, so I'm thinking that's a reasonable idea.

      Please tell me if there are things you feel I should mention that I might have left out by accident or if some of the info was unnecessary. I haven't done any dream discussion before. It feels a bit better to get all this said rather than keep it running around in my head however.

      Thank you for reading.

    2. #2
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      Feb 2013
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      Well, I may be wrong of course, but how is this for a possible interpretation:

      You watch a man kill himself, and the man is part of you - a part of your personality. Why does he kill himself? I think that part is crucial. He kills himself because of the death of the female child. The female child is also part of your personality. The more feminine, more emotional, less mature part of you? The death of innocence, arrival of maturity and related responsibilities, the death of the inner child, a focus on grown up issues at the cost of forgetting to just have fun? The man kills himself because life is not worth living without the child, and that may be symbolic for that you are emotionally killing yourself over issues and life is not worth living without fun and imagination and curiosity and all the good stuff we can learn from children. You have been so focused on becoming a man, even if it kills you inside. And now you are learning to express your emotions, and they are flooding you, and instead of tears blood and pus come out because you are taking everything too seriously perhaps, not allowing yourself to let go and cry and admit that part of you is vulnerable and that is ok because all humans are vulnerable sometimes emotionally, even grown men. But focusing too much on the issues and not enough on fun and relaxing can only lead to stress which results in stressful dreams.
      You may say I'm a dreamer.
      But I'm not the only one
      - John Lennon

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