BDSM relationship with my childhood bully

[gadgetarms]

This one kind of came out of left field, I could definitely use some help as "BDSM" does not show up in any dream dictionaries I've searched (though I imagine any interpretation would say it has something to do with wanting to explore your sexuality), and neither does having a BDSM relationship with the person who made your childhood miserable. Some background info on me: 24 year old female, I am straight, in terms of my life situation I'm currently overseas from everyone and everything I know to do my Master's degree, which started last week, but I have been living here for a year already so I'm not particularly going through separation anxiety at this point. I used to keep a dream journal but I haven't written in it for a while because I've actually had to move 3 times since July and it hasn't been unpacked. What I remember about the dream enough to tell is that I was at an event, though unsure what kind. My dreams are notorious for being big on strange architecture, very large warehouses with open walls and floors are common, some rooms that resemble regular apartments, some that look like opera theatres, some like cafes and shops, department stores, lots of hallways. This one had all of those, and I remember the actual structure of the building being just steel beams. It was really more like a small city in one place and on multiple floors of a building. There were people everywhere, so this felt more like just being in a small city during some sort of celebration we all observe. Like a very very big house party. I didn't have any feelings or indications about where in the world we might have been, like I usually do. Unfortunately I don't remember how it started or what instigated the situation, but the girl who was the closest thing to my childhood bully was the main character other than myself. She was a new student at our school in 7th grade, unbelievably gorgeous for a 12 year old, full DD breasts already, everybody was enamoured with her. But she was also so "down-to-earth" and not as stuck up as you would expect someone like that to be, as her family was also VERY rich. She actually lived directly across the street from me in a little farming community, around the corner from our tiny Catholic school. They moved into the largest property around with the ponds, bridges, willow trees, snazzy bungalow and pool with backyard ravine to boot. My best friend at the time was considered popular while I kind of wasn't, and the two of them got along right away. So, I don't know if I could say she was a bully in the traditional sense, more like she befriended me to be able to make fun of me from the most intimate things she could gather and get my other friends to do the same. I became a big joke to everyone because I was the "weird kid" who came from a single parent home and started listening to metal music in 8th grade. For example, when Snoop Dogg was adding 'izzle' to all his words, we tried it with our names. Mine ended up with a j sound in front of the izzle, and she decided to shorten it to jizz - as in slang for semen - and got everyone to call me that. When it came to high school, our elementary was situated just so that there were 2 different Catholic ones we could go to based on where we lived and how the bus systems worked. She chose the one that wasn't part of the bus route to be with my former-best friend so they could car pool, and I went to the other one on the bus route for our street. I switched to the other high school in 11th grade when my mom and I moved literally down the street from it, and she was the only person I knew who had the same lunch hour. We tried to hang out and make amends but it didn't work out. I went back to my old high school after one semester. My first year of university my mom told me there'd been an explosion in their home because as it turns out, her father and step mother had been meth dealers cooking in the basement (no one was hurt). Admittedly, I got a bit of a karmic satisfaction from it, plus her life seemed to go on, she moved in with her mother and was still living the luxurious life she was used to. I never thought about her after that, which was maybe between 6-7 years ago. In my dream, her and I somehow came to the apex of a crush we'd had on each other and decided to start dating. It was clear that she was the dominant one in the relationship, and I felt a little like I had when I was younger, that she had an agenda and was trying to humiliate me in some way. I was also, in dream-conscience, annoyed with myself, as I've worked very hard throughout my life to become an assertive, self-assured person, especially when it comes to my romantic relationships. I don't let people walk all over me anymore, but here I was doing just that with arguably the first person who had ever really done it. I remember a lot of walking hand-in-hand through the department stores, she wanted my opinion while she shopped for new clothes. I was feeling very much like I was just filling up space and she didn't actually care about me. At one point we took a flight together, but ended up right where we'd left from, back in this warehouse-city. I remember her really only wearing a shiny, navy blue bomber jacket throughout the entire dream and her hair was never out of the signature ponytail she always wore. She took me into an apartment within the warehouse, on the top floor which I think was the 6th. We were in a bedroom, but I will also mention that nowhere in this warehouse-city had doors. Like I mentioned, the walls and floors were all open and you could see just about everything from anywhere. This was going to be the consummation of our relationship, so to speak. I asked her why she hadn't kissed me at all, and she said, "Fine, come here" with her mouth grotesquely open (like if you were to try to show as many of your teeth at once and your lips flare open, sort of) and it was obviously a horrible, cartoonish kiss. I was feeling very distrusting. She told me to take all my clothes off and get on the bed. Everything in this room was navy blue, including the one full wall that there was, and the bed and carpet. I did as she asked and she opened a small toolbox with some very large and odd tools, kind of like if Dr. Seuss had written a book about home repair. One I remember was something like a large pipe wrench with a pair of small, bulbous scissors coming out of the side, but the ends were still sharp... they were shaped like an onion, if that helps. All of the tools were black, but this was her sex tool box, and she was going to use them on me. I will say honestly that I am into some BDSM things in real life, but nothing that would ever involve pipe wrenches and scissors. I was very worried and I did not trust her to be responsible with them, I suspected she was going to be quite careless, and stalled time by asking her to explain how each of them worked. Every concern I had she brushed off by telling me not to worry because she was very experienced and used them on many people for work. At this point, I woke up with a very anxious feeling. I'm used to having very intricate and sometimes strange dreams, but this one threw me!

[IntheDreaming89]

Alright, first I would like to start off with some ideas. BDSM (If I were to dream dictionary define it) : Getting pleasure from pain being caused. Being Inside : Being inside in a dream means the "inside self". Romantic Relationships : These often just signify the feeling "loved" or "wanted" by this person. SO ... Together I would read this dream as to mean that inside of you that you are are still holding on to the pain that this girl had caused you in the past. I believe the BDSM in the dream is signifying the fact that she had gotten pleasure from your pain. Also during this time you say that you didn't trust that she would be responsible with them. This to me means that you don't know how to open up to others because of this past relationship. You were asking for her "approval" and her "love" (non-romantic) for so long, only to get hurt. In turn you have put up a lot of walls in your life (the walls in the room). These walls are metal, which tells me that these are some pretty strong walls that you have put up because of this woman in your interior "city". These all signify the fact that you have now become "callous" and that you don't allow many new people in because of this pain. You might not allow someone to every walk on you again, but do you ever really ever let someone in again? I have a feeling that you have a hard time really feeling emotionally vulnerable with someone because of this girl. I have dreams similar to this; which I was molested when I was a kid. Often times I am molesting myself inside a big building that is never ending (hallways that just lead to more rooms, and hallways.) I can't seem to get away from myself, but it took me a long time to realize my subconscious was saying that I was still hurting myself with the memory on the inside. I was doing more damage to myself than they had done because I wouldn't allow myself to stop being molested. I made myself relive it every day even though they had long ago left my life. (Mine has doors, but its because mine was hidden from everyone. I didn't even tell my parents until last year. Yours wouldn't have doors because it was something that was witnessed by the people around you). Hope this helps.

[gadgetarms]

Well, I read this the day it was posted, but it actually shocked me quite a bit and I wasn't really sure how to deal with the fact that this is probably true. I don't know how to explain it. Of course I know I have trust problems and I definitely have a hard time feeling emotionally vulnerable, but I would never have thought to trace it back to this. That makes me feel like some things are much deeper rooted than I realise, and that's a little scary! I always like to think that when I forget about people who did me wrong, they are gone, but maybe I should accept that that really isn't true. I don't know if I let people in at all, I think I try to, but perhaps I have lost the ability to and I just don't know what that looks like anymore. It is very interesting to know that inside dreams have to do with the inner self, I've tried to remember that and it's helped me interpret some dreams since then. It sounds really intense, but you may have shaken my whole life a little with this interpretation (not in a bad way)! So thank you

[gadgetarms]

Well, I read this the day it was posted, but it actually shocked me quite a bit and I wasn't really sure how to deal with the fact that this is probably true. I don't know how to explain it. Of course I know I have trust problems and I definitely have a hard time feeling emotionally vulnerable, but I would never have thought to trace it back to this. That makes me feel like some things are much deeper rooted than I realise, and that's a little scary! I always like to think that when I forget about people who did me wrong, they are gone, but maybe I should accept that that really isn't true. I don't know if I let people in at all, I think I try to, but perhaps I have lost the ability to and I just don't know what that looks like anymore. It is very interesting to know that inside dreams have to do with the inner self, I've tried to remember that and it's helped me interpret some dreams since then. It sounds really intense, but you may have shaken my whole life a little with this interpretation (not in a bad way)! So thank you