Thread: Marriage? Think again.

Try to recall all the people you have ever known who said, "Hey, you have got to try this marriage thing! I got into it a while back, and it is so awesome! You just don't know what you are missing. I highly recommend it." Here is a list of all of the people I have ever known who told me that....

Those are the only people I can recall so far.

Originally Posted by Mes Tarrant

That's a good one. Marriage counselors will tell you the same thing.

On a more fundamental level, I also just really like the idea of having that ritual to symbolize my eternal commitment to the person.

I too, share the sentimental meaning or symbology.

The thing I dont care much for is the social, political, and ecomnomic associations and attachments society has placed on "marriage". Such is an unnecesary intrusion into the very special tie between two people.

That said, without the economic associations( health insurance), my wife now would not have likely married me. She has always been and still is down down marriage. She grew up with an alcoholic father and a mother that both physically and verbally beat him up all the time in front of all the kids, so I understand why. Still it would have been nice to have been able to share that "specialness" of the ceremony with her rather than having been a "if I have to" sort of arrangement.

Hmm, well I have a few years of experience of marriage so far and I'm loving it. I am not very old but I was brought up with more traditional views and positive feelings towards marriage. My parents marriage was always so great as a kid so I always had positive feelings about it. I married a girl from an asian country where their views about marriage are more traditional like my own. A lot of the women in the UK are turning into men (ladette's) and are smoking and boozing themselves to death and are often very rude, shallow and self-serving, although I am sure there are some very nice exceptions.

I don't see why love can't last for a life time in marriage. My grandparents are approaching their 60th wedding anniversary and are very much in love, they haven't really left their local town for the last 30 years and seldom their house but they don't seem to have bored of each other. I think it comes down to finding the right person. If you do the love will grow over time and not diminish, I find my wife more fascinating each day.

I think that one of the secrets to getting along well is to really care for the other person and put their needs and wants first. I like to make my wife happy as it then makes me happy, its a great feeling to see someone you love smiling. I am almost devoid of selfishness so that is easy for me lol - not so easy for others. I also have never had an argument in my life as argument does not feature in my understanding and so everything is just perfect bliss in that sense. I think marriage is great as you have a wonderful companion to share your life with - much better than being alone - single life chasing around after new girlfriends is a drag. It's great when you know someone so well and they know you so well too. I was just thinking this morning how it is possible to have a soul mate if you do find the right person.

Financial aspects blah forget that you get married because you love someone not cos of anything financial - well you do if your normal anyways

I think that we are designed to be marriageless in an animalistic kind of survival of the species kind of way and everyone in marriages may turn their heads as a pretty girl or handsome guy walks by but it doesn't mean you do anything about natural temptations. If you love a person you will enjoy the experience of being with them in a natural sense and make it very special.

I don't think marriage is necessarily a thing you have to do - it really just shows a commitment to the other person. You could be in a relationship and not married and have an equally fantastic love that lasted a life time also and be just as committed to your partner. I imagine that marriage as an idea and practice will probably phase out over the next 50 to 100 years, as it has its roots in religion and that is dying especially here in the UK.

So yeah, I can't see any drawbacks myself and good luck to all those out there in relationships and marriages. Tell your loved one today that you love them and do something nice for them today

I am in the process of a divorce from an 18 year marriage. It is a very ugly and expensive situation. However, I enjoyed the monogamous aspect of the marriage and with the right partner I would do it again without hesitation.

UM, you can add me to your list
I've been happily married for 7 years now.
I think it comes down to what you expect from marriage.
She's a person who I like to share my life with. If you can find someone of the opposite sex who you think is an awesome friend and cannot get enough of ... marry them by all means.

IMHO of course

Originally Posted by Moonbeam

Not get married?

Haha, well obviously

I'm on my second (and final) marriage. The first was a very bad decision on my part. In the back of my mind, I knew it was a bad idea, but I was so caught up in the inertia of the relationship, and the seeming inevitability of the event, that I let it happen. I just closed my eyes and hoped for the best. Obviously a terrible strategy for something like this. I learned a hard lesson, but I learned it very well.

I have been married to my present wife for four years, and we are more in love than ever. I waited until I was dead sure this time, and I'm glad I did. I have every hope that this one will last forever, but if for some reason it doesn't, it won't be because I went into it stupidly.

I believe that many divorces happen as a result of rushing into marriage. Marrying before you are 25 seems a bad idea to me. We are still changing so much until we are 25 or even 30. If the two of you change in opposite directions, the divide can become very deep, and extremely difficult to bridge.

Originally Posted by skysaw

I'm on my second (and final) marriage. The first was a very bad decision on my part. In the back of my mind, I knew it was a bad idea, but I was so caught up in the inertia of the relationship, and the seeming inevitability of the event, that I let it happen. I just closed my eyes and hoped for the best. Obviously a terrible strategy for something like this. I learned a hard lesson, but I learned it very well.

I believe that many divorces happen as a result of rushing into marriage. Marrying before you are 25 seems a bad idea to me. We are still changing so much until we are 25 or even 30. If the two of you change in opposite directions, the divide can become very deep, and extremely difficult to bridge.

easily the two reasons for most divorces right there. Its what I basically said in my first reply!

Originally Posted by Mes Tarrant

Arranged couples really are more successful at staying together.

Staying together may be due to social compulsion. But the point was that love develops between the persons who knew nothing about eachother preceeding the marriage.

Originally Posted by Mes Tarrant

I wonder if when these polls are taken, if people in those situations just lie about how much they love their partner?

Its possible, but the study was done with confidentiality and anonymity.


I think that the study says in simple terms:

pickiness (colloquial, I know) doesn't necessarily mean happiness.


tkdyo, im still searching, ill try to get back to you today.

Originally Posted by Universal Mind

Try to recall all the people you have ever known who said, "Hey, you have got to try this marriage thing! I got into it a while back, and it is so awesome! You just don't know what you are missing. I highly recommend it." Here is a list of all of the people I have ever known who told me that....

Those are the only people I can recall so far.

Yeah, but isn't it just a part of life. How many people have you heard say "you've gotta try this work thing, or this children thing".
Probably none.
But that isn't reason to not do them, is it?

Originally Posted by psychology student

How many people have you heard say "you've gotta try this work thing, or this children thing".

Wait until you're in your 30s-40s, married, and without children. We (especially my wife) get bugged all the time about our choice to not have any.

What you don't wanna have kids? Why not? I can't wait to have kids!

Originally Posted by psychology student

Yeah, but isn't it just a part of life. How many people have you heard say "you've gotta try this work thing, or this children thing".
Probably none.
But that isn't reason to not do them, is it?

Work is a necessity, but marriage is not. I have heard tons of people say that having children is about the greatest thing life has to offer.


To those of you who said marriage is awesome, I think it's great you can see it that way. I don't think I ever could. Different strokes for different folks.

Maybe, you will say it when you find the right girl?

Originally Posted by psychology student

Maybe, you will say it when you find the right girl?

I would rather find a different right girl as often as I can. I don't trust love to last a life time for anybody outside of my family.

Originally Posted by Universal Mind

I have heard tons of people say that having children is about the greatest thing life has to offer.

Studies show that each child a person has causes a decrease in their happiness, starting with the first. Kids give the illusion of happiness, but not true happiness.

Originally Posted by Universal Mind

I would rather find a different right girl as often as I can.

UM I don't think you should get married.

Moonbeam, could you elaborate on the kids thing?

Originally Posted by Mes Tarrant

Moonbeam, could you elaborate on the kids thing?

Let me find my source, Mes...I read a book a while ago on happiness..BRB.


OK, the book is "Stumbling on Happiness" by Daniel Gilbert. He has a graph that shows marital satisfaction according to the ages of the kids, and the graph drops dramatically at the birth of the first, bottoms out in the teen-age years, and doesn't go back up until the last one leaves home.

Basically, what he says is that people say that their kids make them happy, and they really think that they do, but if their satisfaction is actually measured, it is shown to be decreased the more kids they have, starting with the first one. Their highs and lows of happiness are more extreme, and they think about the highs more than the lows, evidently.

Originally Posted by Moonbeam

but if their satisfaction is actually measured, it is shown to be decreased the more kids they have

if people say their happier and think their happier, how do they measure this satisfaction decrease?

Very interesting. Maybe that's why my marriage is still working

Originally Posted by psychology student

if people say their happier and think their happier, how do they measure this satisfaction decrease?

Well, when they are polled at various times during real-life events and asked to measure their satisfaction at that particular moment, rather than just a vague, overall "How happy are you?" kind of question, they give less satisfied answers than their claims of happiness would suggest.

He gives a psychological explanation for it; it's actually pretty good book. It works the same for money, supposedly--people think it will make them very happy to have a lot of money, but actually once you have the basic things you need (enough food, a roof over your head, etc.) extra money doesn't really cause more happiness.

I can believe the first, but I find the second one hard to believe. I think not working would be great, so I don't see how enough money to let me do that wouldn't make me happier.

Do you have children? Or are you yet to have them? Or is it too personal to divulge?
Personally, I want to have children, although I am youngish and maybe don't appreciate the whole scope of things.

Originally Posted by psychology student

Do you have children? Or are you yet to have them? Or is it too personal to divulge?

No, for some reason I knew when I was a kid that I didn't ever want to have kids. It seemed obvous to me that it was nothing but trouble. I have never regretted it. I don't know how people can do it, it would take up all your time, it seems like. Not to mention the expense.

I think people should devote everything they have to their kids, because no one asks to be born, and people have kids for their own reasons. So they owe it to them. I don't want that burden.

Seems like the noble thing to do, the way you explain it.