Thread: A painful break up followed by unhelpful dreams

Originally Posted by Isabella

My general story is one of heart ache now-a-days. Without getting into the full of it I was lied to for three years. I was seventeen when I met them, 18 when I gave them my virginity and 20 when they confessed to me the never really returned my affections. This break up was 6 weeks ago and since then my ex has found their new girlfriend.
Ever since this occurred every night I have dreams with my ex. Some where they are just a member of the general party, others where they are too close for comfort anymore. I wake crying often and if not that angry and full of un-placeable rage.
My quandary is, how do I control my sleeping mind? I understand this is a Lucid Dreaming sight but I have recently lost my ability to control my dreams. I was hoping there was a technique that would redevelop that ability or simply shut those dreams off.
I am in emotional peril which is most likely the cause but surely there is someone who knows how to deal with this? I hope...

I'm sorry to hear that...but these things happen. There is no way to cover those dreams or shut them off, it's not about your dreamworld it's about what this relationship has done to you. My advice (and I know it sucks but it works trust me...) is to forgive your ex. You don't have to forgive him face to face but try writing out a letter forgiving him for all the hurt he caused you, and anyone else for that matter...then the next step is to forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for holding onto the pain etc...You're not doing this for anyone else but you, you have to forgive him and yourself so that you can let go and move on, mentally, emotionally and in your dream life. You can't run from it...evaluate the areas of your life that's in peril, see what you've learned from them, let it go and move on. The next thing is to take responsibility and accountability for where you are in your life...it's noones fault but yours as to why you are where you are. That may sound harsh but it really isn't because there's actual power in knowing you're the one in control of your life...that means you have the power to change it at any given time...anytime we blame someone else for our shortcomings we're saying they alone have the power to change our lives...but if we take personal responsibility and closely examine the areas in our lives where we could have done better then we progress, mature and become wiser. It's not what you or what anyone else did to you that determines your outcome in life...it's how you respond to what's being done to you that YOU are personally responsible for. You are personally responsible for holding onto those feelings of hurt and pain so let it go. Easier said than done...believe me...i'll be the first person to admit that but you have to at least be willing to try...if not, you stay where you are...imagine being where you are for the rest of your life, waking up crying, having your life be in constant peril, or worse...repeating your mistakes and dating guys who are just like the last one, that will inevitably happen unless you take what you've learned, let it go, forgive and move on...you alone have the power to change where you are, how you feel, and what you think...the balls in your court.

I understand all you suggest and say. I find myself wishing I could forgive everyday but there is a bitterness in my heart that every time I feel as if I have allowed to flow out of me it reappears in force. When it does my only options are to see it out or otherwise ignore or supress it. I try to work through it as best I can but what really irks me are the dreams.
I believe if I can regain control over my dreams then I will be able to choose to leave my ex out of them. So, how does one regain that muscle?

OK, there's time to listen to your dreams and then there's time to, well, not listen. So he was with you for three years and never returned your affection? Well, what does that make him?

You may not be able to control your dreams (and maybe you shouldn't, maybe your subconscious mind needs to express itself) but it is not your dreams that are the problem now. Let them be. Your waking mind needs to move on and your dreams will follow.