I thought I should post an update.
After thanksgiving of 2010 I made clear goals. Number one was moving out. Number two was a new job. These past few months have been really crazy! Short story, I moved out and I got a new job!
The dynamics of what really happened is so much more complicated though. The situation was: Sis moved out using her student loans, which can only support her financially for about two months. She moved out with no job. And with no apartment lease. The situation financially wasnt looking very good.
Now that sis had left home, I was home alone with my parents. My parents do not get along. They use us as their excuse for living together, and now there was only me. In that first day home alone with them the atmosphere was already tense. Ive known for years that this would happen. That once me and my sisters move out, the cover will be blown and my parents will have to face each other. I had to leave!
I made a goal that in two weeks time I would be living in an apartment with my sis. I made it clear to everyone that I was moving out. I handed in my two weeks and made my peace at work. I had been working with these people for three years. They were my second family. I miss them dearly and I had to mentally and emotionally prepare myself for leaving. But during those two weeks, I was ready to go. Every day for the next two weeks when I went home I just felt unbelievably weird. Like, this sinking feeling that there is just nothing here for me. I was just DONE with this city.
Originally I had told sis I wasnt going to move out until I had gotten a new job. When she found out I was moving out in two weeks no matter what she got pissed at me and started to freak out. "What are we gonna do when neither one of us had a job?" Logically, I can understand why shes pissed. But emotionally, I knew I couldnt stay here without losing my sanity. I had to leave.
I knew that day that there is no looking back. Its all or nothing! What could I do? Thats when I took this creative visualization more serious than ever. I decided to do something with creative visualization I hadn't done before. Everything! I picked music that made me happy high, like Hare Krishna by Krishna Das. I made a colorful vision board, nothing specific. I just grabbed imagery that made me happy. Flowers, clouds, rivers, what ever. I made a list of 25 reasons why I love my home, my new city, paying my own bills. 25 reasons why I love my new job! Have you ever written 25 reasons why you want something? At the end of my 25 reasons I had a mantra. Next, I added body motion, some sun salutations!
It all fit together like this!!
While jamming to Hare Krishna and other good Das songs, I raised my voice singing my 25 reasons why I love my new home and doing sun salutations to really drive home that affirmation feeling!! And repeat! This went on for over an hour, I got too tired to do sun salutes, so I would just salute the sky.
I probably looked like a freak, but you know what, the VERY next day I get a phone call. Me and sis got the two bedroom apartment that we've been eyeing for over a month! Its official!!
Reality is sinking in. Holy shit im moving out in a week.
My last days in my old life were surreal. Constant mixed emotions of absolute dread, relief and joy. The actual moving out process was a nightmare. I moved out during an ice storm and blizzard. Um, and well. Lets just say it wasnt the happiest week of my life. There was no celebration. No, the atmosphere with my sis who was still flipping out over our financial situation made our shiny new home tense. Constant tension. The ice and snow didn't help. It didnt help that we didnt have much groceries and how scary the streets were with black ice.
That first week really threw me off, I didnt know how to feel, terrified or happy? But really, I love love love having my own bedroom!
I made another due date. Two months. Thats what I gave myself to find a new job. Two months. I did not even allow myself to think of the consequences if I didnt have a job within two months (ahem, not paying rent). I was scared because, I had been job hunting for three years. Three years! But I didnt have three years, I had two months.
I went in and out of job interviews, each one I thought would be the one. Each one left me cold.
I tried to repeat the magic of that first night, where I celebrated having a new home. But it wasn't working out so well. This time, instead of dancing and singing, I had to get quiet. Why is it so hard for me to find a job?
What job do I want? What job would make me happy? I tried to imagine myself is so many roles. But none of them spoke to my heart. Its as if there is no job that could make me happy.
Wait a minute!
I realize something I never realized before - There is NO job that can make me happy! And thats OKAY because...I should be happy what ever job I work! No job can make me happy, because nothing outside of myself can make me happy. Its all in here! Its always been right here!
A weight is lifted from me! I dont have to be stuck searching for that one dream job. I dont have to be stuck doing any type of work! I am free to do what ever work I feel like doing, and what ever work I choose to do i'll be happy! I was liberated. I re-continued my creative visualization celebration, singing Hare Krishna.
I felt great! I went onto craigslist, which I loathed and hated, but that moment I felt good! The first job that caught my eye was Paint Specialist. They call me the next day, I go in for an interview. And the words they uttered made me choke back with laughter. They were "impressed" with my resume and that I had a BFA! What?
What?
Theyre impressed that I have a BFA? I was laughing because, that was one of the 25 reasons why I loved being an successful artist - because my BFA was useful and meant something! In the past three years of job hunting, no one ever gave a damn about my BFA. They also told me, that I was the first person to respond to the ad, and the only applicant they were interested in.
I got my job, and lo and behold, it just happens to be the two month mark exactly.
Life only gets weirder. Were still not the best financially, because sis is still job hunting. I want to screeaaam at her. Shes so frustrated. She looks at all these jobs on craigslist and thinks, they could never make her happy so she has no motivation to apply but she feels she has to so that makes her miserable.
I can not stress enough to anyone job hunting. No job, no job, can make you happy. All your happiness is right there inside of you.
My journey isnt over. I feel like im on a sliding platform. I dont think ill be staying at this job long. I havent taken up creative visualization since I got my new job. But I think its time to again!
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