> This story is FUNNY!!!
> My friends are fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be
> something akin to, \"hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!\" Well, I
> have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story
> chronicled in a Life Time movie in the near future. Here goes. Last
> weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my
> fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my \"fancy\" is easily tickled. I had
> gone into the Star Market to pick up some milk yesterday and I bought
> a super ball in the checkout line--50 cents. What a bargain! It
> tickled my fancy--still does That thing bounces soooooo high, and it
> has provided me with hours of entertainment. It just doesn't get any
> better than that, now does it? I'm so easily distracted. That dang
> super ball is so much fun. So what were we talking about? Oh yeah, I
> bought something really cool at Larry's Pistol and Pawn last Saturday.
> The occasion was my 50th birthday and I was looking for a little
> something extra cool. What I came across was a 100,000 volt,
> pocket/purse sized Tazer gun with a clip.
> For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a
> less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to
> incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high voltage, low amperage
> electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be
> short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but
> allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the
> prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the button, and it
> will render him a slobbering, goggle eyed, muscle twitching,
> whimpering, pencil neck geek.
> If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly
> missing out--way too cool!
> Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded
> two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
> Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't
> need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this
> particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How
> disappointing! I do love fire for effect.
> I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against
> a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back
> and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did
> so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!!
> Yipeeeeee . . . I'm easily amused.

~
> Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
> it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc.,
> etc.
> There I sat in my recliner, my dog Molly looking on intently (trusting
> little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Molly),
> and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and
> blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Molly for a
> fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet
> doggy, after all.
> But, if I was going to use this thing to protect myself against a
> mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am
> I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the
> time. So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my
> reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,
> directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a
> one second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two
> second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily
> control; a three second burst would purportedly make your assailant
> flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
> All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5\"
> long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and
> loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself,
> \"no bloody way!\" Bloody way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of
> myself.
> What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
> Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what
> followed. I'm sitting there alone, Molly looking on with her ZZZhead
> cocked to one side as to say, \"don't do it daddy,\" reasoning that a
> one second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all
> that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't
> you agree?).
> I decided to give myself a one second burst just for the hell of it.
> (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always
> twenty-twenty.
> It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even
> though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?) I touched
> the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and Holy F**king
> Shit!
> DAMN!!!
> I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door,
> picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet
> over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
> fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found,
> soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
> position. Molly was standing over me making whimpering sounds I had
> never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself,
> \"do it again daddy, do it again!\"
> (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one
> note of caution. There is no such thing as a one second burst when you
> zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is
> dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
> Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4\" deep
> in your thigh like yours truly.)
> SON-OF-A-BITCH that hurt!
> A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
> this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
> surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the
> fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both
> nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up
> with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. +/- an ounce or two,
> I'm pretty sure.
> By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm
> offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and
> handsome if I must say so myself. Miss 'em . . sure would like to get
> 'em back.
> Emerson R. McAfee
> U.S.A.F. & Govt. Retired
> KY Cattle Baron
[/b]
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