Texts From Last Night

[Oneironaut Zero]

Textsfromlastnight.com is a website where people can register, identify themselves as only their area code, and post text they'd either sent or received on a wasted night-before waking up and realizing what kind of conversations they'd had. They can also post their "walk of shame" stories about having to head home after doing something they probably had no business doing. Some of these are absolutely hilarious. (407): this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god. (407): Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face? (1-407): I hate you (407): It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest. (386): First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook. (904): my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you (386): girlfriend? (678): He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went. (863): I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex.. (848): I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa Post some of your favorites!

[Tyler]

(407): he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him Ew. But lol. (310): ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude (843): happy early fathers day!!! (829): im not a father (843): about that.. (216): Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks. (440): Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf? (216): Holy shit r u serious? How? (440): Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you. 502): Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!! (323): You got in a fight last night? (818): Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since. (323): Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you? HAHAHA i fuckin lol'd

[grasshoppa]

stolen from another thread Me:heeeeey Her:ayy jay whats up? Me:I have a very serious question I need to ask you.. Her: and what would that be? Me: When you gonna let me tap that? Her: ummm, I have a boyfriend Me: That's in jail... Her: Bring a blunt me:Hey, Question her:What is that? (shes swedish) me:i have a question for you... her:what is question? me:When am i going to be tappin dat ass? her: catchherintheeye, i am not a buty call me: you need to stop watching american movies her: what this means? me: nothing, im going to a party, ill call you after her: where is the party, ill come too. me:*no response* 3 hours later me: im coming over to tap that her: you are an ashowle me: wats the number to get into the gate? her:2246 me: what up?? her: hey u me: when you gonna let me tap dat? her:lol wat??? me: you heard me!! her: lol me: im being serious?? her: its been three years since i seen you?? me: and?? her: well buy me dinner at least!! lol me: fuck no!! no response. just now she texted her: ok what about coffee??

[Man of Steel]

I love tfln, I read 17 pages last night actually. I think you quoted most of the ones I would have, though, O.

[Supernova]

Man, I wish l still had those texts I sent from that concert a little while ago... EDIT: here's some good ones thugh: (407): im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes (1-407): i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes. (407): Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis. (407): He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven. (919): so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog. (215): i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section (401): This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am? (201): I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet (908): I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building (201): Tie (512): i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT. (910): wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars (910): IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT (954): I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza

[Rozzy]

wow. that is terrible... lol

[Man of Steel]

Damn, now that was some quick thinking with the Pacman pizza...

[Supernova]

Damn, now that was some quick thinking with the Pacman pizza... Yea, if that were me, if I even thought it up, I'd crack up as soon as I said it

[Rozzy]

(407): I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms??? that was my favorite. lol

[BossBadger]

(612): What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home? (212): i want you now (916): you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this Bwahahaha! (480): so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.

[panta-rei]

I love these!

[Rozzy]

(585): it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident. (609): He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL. (478): wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward. (610): So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better (410): i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary' people are so dumb but so entertaining... lol gotta love it!!!