Thread: Religion and Atheism jokes

Originally Posted by KickinBird71

I'm agnostic, and typically lean towards the "theists and atheists fighting with each other like children is starting to get annoying as hell" side of the spectrum.

>Implying atheists aren't agnostic
>Implying agnosticism is a middle position in regards to atheism/theism

Originally Posted by Mario92

>Implying atheists aren't agnostic
>Implying agnosticism is a middle position in regards to atheism/theism

What's your definition of agnosticism? Because I think you have it wrong, sir. Agnostics accept the fact that God is a possible being, and that people simply do not know whether he exists. Atheists strictly believe that such a being does not (and if taken a step further, CAN NOT) exist in this world at all. According to this definition, atheists cannot be agnostic. You cannot believe that God is both a possible and impossible being at the same time; that's a contradiction, which is something you'll learn about in your basic Philosophy 101 class.

Also, obviously I was oversimplifying when I suggested there was a neat little spectrum with theist and atheists on either side, and agnosticism snuggled up nice and warm in the middle. The point was to make a joke, bro. Relax

Cuz it's a png it must be true. Hur hur.

Seriously what the hell, I normally try to stay out of these utterly pointless discussions about definitions, but... gnosticism did not mean the opposite of agnosticism. At all. Ever.

Originally Posted by KickinBird71

What's your definition of agnosticism? Because I think you have it wrong, sir. Agnostics accept the fact that God is a possible being, and that people simply do not know whether he exists. Atheists strictly believe that such a being does not (and if taken a step further, CAN NOT) exist in this world at all. According to this definition, atheists cannot be agnostic. You cannot believe that God is both a possible and impossible being at the same time; that's a contradiction, which is something you'll learn about in your basic Philosophy 101 class.

I like George H. Smith's definition of atheism in Atheism: The Case Against God:

The prefix “a” means “without,” so the term “a-theism” literally means “without theism,” or without belief in a god or gods. Atheism, therefore, is the absence of theistic belief. One who does not believe in the existence of a god or supernatural being is properly designated as an atheist.

Atheism is sometimes defined as “the belief that there is no God of any kind,” or the claim that a god cannot exist. While these are categories of atheism, they do not exhaust the meaning of atheism—and they are somewhat misleading with respect to the basic nature of atheism. Atheism, in its basic form, is not a belief: it is the absence of belief. An atheist is not primarily a person who believes that a god does not exist; rather, he does not believe in the existence of a god.

As here defined, the term “atheism” has a wider scope than the meanings usually attached to it. The two most common usages are described by Paul Edwards as follows:

“First, there is the familiar sense in which a person is an atheist if he maintains that there is no God, where this is taken to mean that “God exists” expresses a false proposition. Secondly, there is also a broader sense in which a person is an atheist if he rejects belief in God, regardless of whether his rejection is based on the view that belief in God is false.”

Both of these meanings are important kinds of atheism, but neither does justice to atheism in its widest sense. “Atheism” is a privative term, a term of negation, indicating the opposite of theism. If we use the phrase “belief-in-god” as a substitute for theism, we see that its negation is “no-belief in-god”—or, in other words, “a-theism.” This is simply another way of stating “without theism” or the absence of belief in god.

Jesus fucking christ people, every fucking thread....even the joke thread, which was not inteneded to be a discussion of anything.

Could one of the mods delete these posts before this snowballs into another thread about shit that you should just google if you really wanna know nothing. Or at the very least please don't post here if you're trying to have a serious discussion. Being serious will not be tolerated in this thread!

You sound pretty serious to me

What is the difference between a priest and a homosexual?

The way they say ahhhh-men.

Originally Posted by stonedape

Jesus fucking christ people, every fucking thread....even the joke thread, which was not inteneded to be a discussion of anything.

Could one of the mods delete these posts before this snowballs into another thread about shit that you should just google if you really wanna know nothing. Or at the very least please don't post here if you're trying to have a serious discussion. Being serious will not be tolerated in this thread!

I was actually just about to cut off my argumentative postings and post a similar rant haha. Sorry for contributing to the tangent.
Which reminds me, I STILL don't get the dwarf joke haha

Originally Posted by KickinBird71

I was actually just about to cut off my argumentative postings and post a similar rant haha. Sorry for contributing to the tangent.
Which reminds me, I STILL don't get the dwarf joke haha

really, you've never heard nuns called penguins?

Originally Posted by KickinBird71

I STILL don't get the dwarf joke haha

Nuns dress like penguins

Three men were introduced to a lady. The first man said: “Hi! I’m Peter, but not the saint.” The second man said: “I’m Paul, but not the pope.” The third man said: “I’m John but not the Baptist.” After the three men were introduced, the pretty lady said: “Hi to all of you! I’m Mary, but not a virgin.”

Random Jokes I found on google.

Bloopers in the church

The following are actual church bulletin board bloopers found in churches across the United States.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

Evening massage - 6 p.m.

The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.

Ushers will eat latecomers.

The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"

The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

Twenty-two members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.

A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.

Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?" Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett
Hymn 47: "Hark! An awful voice is sounding"

On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better.

Potluck supper: Prayer and medication to follow.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.

The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

Originally Posted by MrBlonde

Here's another one.

Atheist.

lol

Here's another one:

There are people living in this country right now that believe that the Earth is 12,000 years old.

lol

---

Shortly after having her ninthbaby, an Irish Catholic woman runs into her parish priest.

He congratulates her on the new offspring and says, "Nine children is certainly a full house."

"Well," she replies, "I don't know how I get pregnant so often. It must be something in the air."

"Yes," says the priest, "your legs."

---

One night, God visits a preacher.

The preacher has one question, "What is Heaven like?"

God replies, "Heaven is like a city. It has the best of everything. For example, the French are the chefs, the Italians are the lovers, the English are the policeman, the Germans are the mechanics, and the Dutch are the politicians."

"What is Hell like?" he asks.

"Well," he sighs, "the French are the mechanics, the Italians are the politicians, the English are the chefs, the Germans are the policemen, and the Dutch are the lovers."

Jesus saves.
Buddha invests.

Four nuns got into a car accident and died. Of course, they went up to
heaven and St. Peter was waiting for them at the gate.

"Ladies, please confess your sins so that you may pass through the
gates," says St. Peter. Well, naturally, the first nun walks up and
says," "St. Peter, I must confess I once saw a man's penis!"

Don't worry, says St. Peter, go wash your eyes in that holy water and
your sin will be forgiven.

The second nun comes up and says, "I must confess I once touched a
man's penis!"

Ohhh, says St. Peter, that is truly a sin, but go and was your hands
in the holy water and your sins will be forgiven...

...meanwhile, in the backround the THIRD and FOURTH nuns are
going at it, yelling and cursing at each other. "What is the problem,
that you should make so much noise at the gates of heaven?" asks St.
Peter.

"Well," says the FOURTH nun, "there is NO WAY I am going to gargle
with that holy water after HER ass has been in it!!!"

-------------------

oh yeah and:

Spoiler for God's Inbox:

Clara: My pastor is so good he can talk on any subject for an hour.

Sarah: That's nothing! My pastor can talk for an hour without a subject!

Three men die and go to heaven, and stop at the gates with St. Peter.
St. Peter says," In heaven, you will be given a vehicle which will be better or worse depending on how you loved your partner in life."
so the first man, who didnt really love his wife at all, and had cheated on her, got a bicycle.
the second man, who neither disliked or liked his wife, and had thoughts of cheating but never did, got a normal car.
the last man, who loved his wife and was completely faithful got an extremely nice car.
one day, the first man rode past the man in the nice car, who was crying.
so the man on the bicycle asked what was wrong, to which the man replied,"my wife just went by on a scooter."