Thread: Simpsons quotes

Homer: "Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos."

~

Chief Wiggum: "Oh, man, what a day. It's no cakewalk being a single parent, juggling a career and family like so many juggling balls ... two, I suppose."

Chief Wiggum: "This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a... car of some sort, heading in the direction of, uh, you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless. "


Chief Wiggum: "She didn't reckon with the awesome power of the Chief of Police! Now where did I put my badge?...Hey, that duck's got it!"

Homer: Son, a woman is a lot like...
[sees the fridge]
Homer: a refrigerator. They're about six feet tall, three-hundred pounds... they make ice and...
[eyes his Duff]
Homer: No, actually a woman is a more like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one.
[chugs beer]
Homer: But you can't stop at one...
[grabs another beer from the fridge]
Homer: you want to drink another woman.
[10 beers later]
Homer: So I says; "Yeah? You want that money? Come and find it! 'Cause I don't know where it is, ya baloney! You... make me... wanna... wreh!..."
[passes out]

There's another thread for this...
But since I can't seem to get enough of them at the moment:


Lisa: I'm no theologian. I don't know who or what God is. All I know is he's more powerful than Mom and Dad put together.


Lisa: I got the idea from every movie ever made.


Homer: Facts are meaningless. You can use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true.


Costingtons Manager: Okay, people, we need to cook up a new holiday for the summer. Something with gifts, cards, assorted gougeables.
Costingtons Woman: How about something religious? We had great penetration last spring with Christmas Two.
Costingtons Man: Oh, I know. Spendover, like Passover, less talk, more presents.
[Everyone starts talking at once]
Costingtons Manager: No, no, no! No, it's gotta be warm and fuzzy. Some like, um, "Love Day", but not so lame.
[cut to the Simpsons home several days later]
Marge: Happy Love Day, everyone!
Lisa: Come on, Mom, The stores just invented this holiday to make money.
Homer: Lisa, don't you ruin another Love Day.


Lisa: Romance is dead - it was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark and Disney, homogenized, and sold off piece by piece.


Lisa: I hear something in the kitchen...
Homer: That's where the food sleeps!


Marge: Lisa, is that too spicy for you?
Lisa: I can see through time...


Lisa: It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than open your mouth and remove all doubt.
(Homer’s brain): What does that mean? Better say something or they’ll think you’re stupid.
Homer: Takes one to know one.
(Homer’s brain): Swish!


Homer: Marge, quick, what's my blood type?
Marge: A-positive.
Homer: Aw, nuts!
Lisa: You know his blood type? How romantic!
Marge: A mother knows everything about her family.
Lisa: Oh, yeah? What's my shoe size?
Marge: 4-B.
Bart: How many teeth do I have?
Marge: Sixteen permanent, eight baby.
Lisa: Rings?
Marge: I don't want you wearing rings, it looks cheap. But three.
Homer: How many hairs on my head?
Marge: (without looking) Oh, Homie, you have lots of hair.
Lisa: Earmuff?
Marge: XM.
Bart: Allergies?
Marge; Butterscotch and imitation butterscotch.
Bart: And...?
Marge: Glow-in-the-dark monster makeup.
Bart: Ooh, impressive.


Lisa: But I'm so angry!
Marge: You're a woman. You can hold on to it forever.


Homer: Do you really need all these Kurt Vonnegut novels?
Lisa: "They self-reference each other!"


All this yelling is taking away my horny. - Russian model in Moe’s bar