About two years ago, while I was in the Airforce, they hit me with an unexpected drug test. They said I could not go to sleep until I had peed in this cup. I knew I was in trouble, because in the military, they make some old hairy dude stand next to you and watch you pee. I can never do it on command. If a lady is standing there, that's one thing, but another guy? I freak out and nothing good happens.
So, I knew that I had to drink a LOT of water.
They gave me one of those little paper/wax water cups. I took three of them, and filled them up over and over, constantly drinking water. I hadn't drank much of anything all day. I kept drinking water, but I could not pee for about three or four hours.
Before too long I began to feel funny. I thought it was my imagination, but the more water I drank, the more I felt drunk!
By the time I got done peeing and got upstairs to my quarters, I was so messed up I could hardly walk. It was not a good drunk feeling. I was so sick. I collapsed on my bed and tried to go to sleep.
Then I threw up.

...I have a drinking problem...

-sloth