Thread: Worst-Joke-Ever competition

2 Turtles in a back garden, one says to the other, "Can you feel the rainwater running down your shell and into your mouth" the other says, "No." <--real joke

3 bits of fluff on the floor, one red, one green and one brown.. doesnt matter though.. my vacuum cleaners colourblind .

2 dreamviews members go to the shop, one falls off.

Q: How can you put more money in your wallet?
A: Use smaller bills.

actual joke from a turtles movie:

one of the turtleses actually swallows a frog in the past and says
"hope that wasnt an ancestor"

WHAT THE HELL!!!!

Two muffins are in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, "It's getting hot in here."

The other muffin looks at it and screams, "OH MY GOD A TALKING MUFFIN!"

Originally Posted by CoLd BlooDed

Two muffins are in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, "It's getting hot in here."

The other muffin looks at it and screams, "OH MY GOD A TALKING MUFFIN!"

Somebody's been watching the Bachelor.

No man, I heard that one a million years ago.

And wow, quickest reply evar.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the Kentucky Fried Human shop

What do you call a dear with no eyes?
No idea!

What do you get when you cross a dog and two cats?

A dog and two cats.

What does a blind, deaf, mute, autistic, armless, legless kid get for Christmas?

Cancer!

Once a man walked, walked, walked, walked, and fell down.

Originally Posted by dodobird

Once a man walked, walked, walked, walked, and fell down.

LOOOL Due to the concept of this competition... I guess you win!

A man walks into a bar and says OUCH.

Ooh, I know some seriously bad jokes:
- Q: What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
A: The Black Death

- Q: Why did the little girl fall off the swing
A: Because she was shot

- Q: Why couldn't Billy ride a bicycle?
A: Because Billy was a fish

That's just 3, more to come

Originally Posted by Xei

WTF??

It's a hilarious webcomic.

Did you laugh?

Originally Posted by Xei

It's a hilarious webcomic.

Did you laugh?

I don't think anybody laughed, really... But that's kind of the point of this thread...

I was gonna say, does that mean I win?

Originally Posted by Xei

I was gonna say, does that mean I win?

I don't think anyone will...

I thought of this joke a few days ago:

Q: What do you call an elf who only buys Mega Blocks?

A: Legolas

Why didn't the orange cross the road?
Because, it ran out of JUICE.

hahahahahhaha oh wait i forgot that isnt funny

I have 2 jokes, the first one I posted here a while ago, so some of you may, remember, though I dought anyone took the time to read it:

1:
In a Pepsi contest, the bottle caps underneath the bottle held a code to enter online at the website. Only three people would win it. If you won, you would get to go on a trip to Egypt with the other two winners. It was supposed to be a chance for you to get to go on an adventure, along with meet new people. The first person to win was a fireman who lived in Georgia. He was a well respected man, and he loved his job. He was buying gas on a hot day, and decided to buy a Pepsi. He saw the "You could win!" add on the label and decided he would enter it online when he got back. He went home, entered it, and realized he had won. He packed his bags and left for the airport. The second man to win was a lifeguard in California. He was an amazing swimmer and had saved over 15 lives in his career. He and his friends entered the code just for fun, and won. The third man was an ordinary business man who lived in Washington. He lived alone but was happy. He wanted a vacation and he thought if he won, it would be perfect. He would not have to pay for it, and would meet to new people along the way. He entered it, and to his surprise, he won.

After a few weeks, once everything was arranged, the three men met and headed off to Egypt. They all got along well, and were having a great time. After a few days of free exploring, they met back up for a tour. It was a tour of a tomb that had just been found last year, and this was the first time anyone else other than scientists, historians and geologists had entered it. The three men entered and were led buy a tour guide. As they were walking, the floor collapsed beneath them and they fell into a hidden room. The tour guide had landed on a rock head first, and was unconscious, but the other three men were fine. The room was circular and had three doors leading from it. Then first door read, "For great fortunes, come this way, but beware of a death by water.” The lifeguard said, "I have been working in the ocean all my life, so I'm going to go check this out.” He opened the door and headed in. The next room was a long tunnel, and at the end of it laid a coffin overloading with gold and diamonds. He walked cautiously up to the coffin, and read on the side. "To whom who finds this, It is yours for the taking, but beware of a death by water." The lifeguard grabbed it and started walking back. Then, the room started filling up with water very fast. He started sprinting but the water was coming to fast, so he had to swim with the heavy coffin. He was almost to the end, but couldn't hold on to the coffin any longer. He dropped it and swam out safely, and headed back to the main room. Back in the circular main room, the middle door read, "For great fortunes, come this way, but beware of a death by fire." The fireman said, "Well I am a fireman, this shouldn't be hard." He entered the room to find a tunnel, identical to the water room. He walked down to the coffin, and picked it up. He was heading back, when the room started heating up. He started running as jets of fire emitted from the walls. One jet singed his hand, and out of pain, he dropped the coffin and got out safely, and headed back to the main room. Back in the main room, the last door read, "For great fortunes, head this way, but beware of a curse that will eventually kill you." The business man said, "This is stupid, I don't believe in curses!" He entered the room, and found a tunnel, just like the last two rooms. He went up and grabbed the chest, and simply walked out. Nothing went wrong. He came back to the circular room, and saw the rescue crew helping the other men out.

All three men said their goodbyes, and headed home, the business man of course now being extremely rich. The business man decided to first build his own mansion with the money. He then bought his own home theater, his own pool, and everything else anyone could have wanted. As he was watching the news one day, they reported that a coffin was found literally hoping across Egypt. They had videos of the coffin, and the business man realized that he left his coffin there, and only took the money. He also realized that this was the same coffin he left there. He thought it was very creepy, but then remembered the door that lead to the coffin room and what it said. He didn’t worry about it, because he still didn't believe in curses. Over the weeks, the coffin had progressed to the edge of Africa to the coast, and they were reporting that absolutely nothing was stopping the coffin. The scientists had no explanation, and they had even set up a said titanium wall to stop the coffin, but it had hoped entirely through the wall, like a hot knife through butter. The coffin was now floating across the ocean at incredible speeds, and this got the business man worried. Eventually, the coffin reached the US and was hopping across Georgia. This got the business man worried, because now he remembered that the fireman lived in Georgia. As the news continued their updates, they reported that a fireman was killed when the coffin touched him. Now the FBI was involved, and they were doing everything they could do to stop it from moving anywhere. Nothing was working. They tried everything from walls, to explosives, to even having a minister come to perform an exorcism.

The coffin was now heading for California and this really worried the business man. He tried calling the Lifeguard to tell him he was in danger, but it was too late. The coffin had broken into his house while he was asleep, and killed him. Now the coffin was heading for Washington, and the business man freaked out. He built barricades all around his house, a moat, and hired watchmen day and night armed with the top in military technology. The business man bought himself grenades, and a very nice shotgun. The coffin was now only a couple of miles from his house, and he ordered tanks and helicopters to try to take it down, but none of it was working. The coffin approached the barricades of the business man's house, and he jumped right through them. All the guards were firing, but nothing could stop the coffin. The coffin floated across the moat with ease and was now heading for the front door. The business man through all of his grenades, but nothing stopped it. The coffin now entered his house, and was heading up towards the stairs. The business man stopped and laughed, "Hey, you have never been up stairs before! You can't hop up stairs!" But the coffin, hoped them up easily. The business man now completely lost his mind and started shooting at the coffin. The bullets bounced off. He now was throwing everything he had: his lamps, his pillows, his pens and pencils. Nothing was even slowing the coffin down. He ran to the bathroom, and tripped. He was lying on the ground as the coffin approached, and out of desperation, he quickly fumbled open the medicine cabinet and threw everything at it. He through his Advil, his dental floss and tooth brush, and finally, he through the last thing in the cabinet, his last hope, the cough drops. Then, the coffin stopped. The cough drops stopped the coffin.

2: (this isn't a racist joke)
What do you call 4 mexicans sinking in quicksand?
Cuatro, cinco.

I have an other extremely long one my friend told me, so I'll probably type that one up later

That was a good one, Flinte

Mac: Knock, knock...

Joe: Who's there?

Mac: Nobody.

Joe: Nobody who?

Mac: ....

Joe: Nobody who?

Mac: ....

Joe: Nobody who?

Mac: ....

Joe: Nobody who?

Mac: ....

Joe: Hello?

Mac: ....

Joe: Anybody there?!

Mac: ....

Joe: WTF?!!

Mac: ....

Joe: Damn kids....

What do you give to a dog that has fever?
Mustard! It goes well with a "hot" dog. Get it? HAHAHAHAHAHA