Thread: Preview of a story I'm working on

It's called "Neos Strike", please tell me what you think...

Originally Posted by Neos Strike

Neos Strike

Septus Gladius paced around his study. He was inside his magnificent villa, which he had gotten built for 500,000 cistercii. That was no small amount, but it had not been a problem for him. He simply used some of the grant money that the Roman government had given him as funding for his experimental research. He was a philosopher, a studier of life. His greatest joy was discovering new things about the world in which he lived. And he had recently discovered a very new thing indeed. One day he had conducted an experiment in which he had taken a mouse, killed it, and trapped its soul in a little jar.
You see, he had discovered an ancient Sanskrit tome that described many strange and terrifying things. The Sanskrit religion was a very mystical one, full of rituals and spirits. The book is long since gone, for Septus destroyed it moments before his death, but we will come to that in time. Anyways, Septus read the book with the help of his friend Marcus Lupis, who studied, and had a basic understanding of, the Sanskrit language. Part of the book that caught Septus’ attention talked about another dimension called Spiritua, inhabited entirely by ethereal beings such as demons and shades. The book said that there was a way to access Spiritua, however temporarily, but there was only one: you must tear a rip in this dimension, opening up a hole to Spiritua, by use of a Souls-sword, an ordinary sword that a soul has been bound into.
Septus had prepared the little jar by drawing a pattern of Sanskrit demon-symbols (magical, according to the tome) described in the book on the outside of the jar and around the rim of the jar’s lid. He had then stabbed the mouse with a short sword, scooped its soul (which was floating away, and which he could see because he had drawn lines of demon-symbols around his eyes) into the jar, and then twisted the lid on with mounting enthusiasm. He had done the unthinkable, he had captured a soul. He told people. Many denounced him a heretic, and wanted him exiled, but the Emperor was amused and decided to “play along” and give him a research grant. When he finally decided to see some proof of Septus’ discoveries in a year or so, and when Septus came up empty-handed, that’s when the Emperor would have him killed and laugh about the whole thing. Septus cared not for money, however. He was on the verge of a scientific and religious breakthrough. He decided to follow through with Part Two of his plan.
Septus drew demon-symbols on the sword, as described in the book. He opened the little jar. The soul of the mouse floated upward, but Septus was to fast for it. He touched the tip of the blade to the soul, and the soul was immediately sucked into the sword with a strange popping noise. A crude image of a mouse appeared on the blade, and the sword glowed blue, edged with tendrils of black flame that felt icy to the touch. Marcus Lupis, who Septus had invited over to witness the second part of his experiment, gasped. Septus then checked the tome for what to do next. It said to say a certain Sanskrit phrase meaning “Nonreality is now reality,” (Marcus Lupis translated for Septus so that he could grasp the meaning of the phrase he was uttering) which Septus did, and then to swing the sword through the air, which Septus did. A giant gash appeared in the air in front of Septus. Marcus Lupis stared through the gash, into Spiritua. The whole of Spiritua appeared to be divided into two parts, one fiery red and blazing orange, and the other as yellow as a dandelion. Septus had opened the gash right over the top of the thick wall that seperates the two parts, running into infinity in either direction. At the top of the wall (which was very thick, by the way), where the wall ended, a forcefield of the exact same thickness as the wall shot upwards into infinity. Septus guessed that humans could walk in it, but it blocked spiritual entities so that people walking along the top of the wall and admiring the view would be protected from malicious spirits by being encompassed by the force field, an observation that turned out to be true. Septus and Marcus stepped through the gash, onto the top of the dividing wall. The wall, as I have mentioned before, was so thick that you could have built 3 houses side-by-side across its width, and still have extra room. The men were quite comfortable walking on the wall, and were not flailing about and trying to not fall off as you may have imagined. It was a very thick wall, not a tightrope.
Pretty soon a green entity with two pointed ears, fangs, and a wicked grin approached from off into the distance on the fiery side of Spiritua. This side, as it were, was named Tonga. The yellow side was named Konto. The beast raised a clawed hands and slashed at the forcefield, but it did nothing. Then it stopped its assault, and retreated a bit before beckoning to them. Marcus said, “I believe it wants to talk,” and walked forwards. Septus yelled, “No!” but it was to late. As soon as Marcus walked off of the wall, he stepped out onto thin air in Tonga. He started falling, and the harsh Tongan atmosphere started to burn him up from the inside out. In a matter of seconds, Marcus Lupis was no more than a falling skeleton, its jaws opened in a voiceless scream. The green creature laughed. Repressing horror at his foolish friend’s death, Septus noted that the creature was not merely green, it seemed to be made of glowing green energy.

How you like???

Btw...

Tonga and the creatures in it = evil

Konto and the creatures in it = good