Yeah so basically
I decided to give ubuntu another try, on a completely different computer so hopefully I wouldn't have many of the problems I had the first time I tried it over a year ago.
It took six tries before I finally gave up. I got a range of very queer errors, my favorite being this one, which is clearly (or not-so-clearly) a list of files and their respective md5 hashes along with a pretty purple banner and a windows 9x type dialog:

I'm guessing it was just a shitty disc, in which case I'll probably just burn a new one or order a free disc in the mail. Sometimes I think I have too much patience with computers.
EDIT: Delivery apparently takes 6-10 weeks, fuck that!
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