I regularly have dreams where I kill people, often in very unpleasant ways.
It's odd because once I started studying lucid dreaming over fifteen years ago, I have not had what I would call a bad dream or nightmare since. While people I know have the usual bad dreams - trying to run from something but being unable to get anywhere, etc. - I have gone from being chased or hunted, to being the predator. I am the one hunting and killing people. I've dreamed that I am actually helping the police find a killer, all the while knowing that I'm the one they are looking for and trying to find new places to hide the bodies. I've had dreams where I've spent the whole time trying to get rid of garbage bags of bones or body parts.
I remember one particular dream that I had recently where I had heard about a serial killer being investigated and thought "At least I'm not like that, but I'd better get rid of the bones in Grandma's basement." As I was removing the body, I remembered where I had hidden another one, then another one. Bones, dismembered body parts, a complete skeleton in one case. Then it hit me when I was finally starting to have trouble finding new places to dispose of the bodies..."wow, I guess I am a serial killer."
These sound like they would be horrifying dreams for most people, but not to me, because I was the hunter. Nothing frightens me, nothing presents a danger to me in my dreams anymore. The only disturbing thing to me is that I am not disturbed by these dreams.
But a few years ago, I had a series of very violent bloody dreams - way more so than usual. Rarely have my dreams been bloody, but now suddenly they'd become bloodbaths.
I discussed them with my psychiatrist and she said I had some unresolved anger issues. At the time, I thought, "duh! and I'm paying her how much to tell me this?"
Then something major happened...after my grandfather died, my alcoholic father finally pushed me over the edge. I had for many years held out hope for him, that he'd finally see the light and straighten out his life; I was literally the last person in my family who still held out any hope for him. But with this one final incident, the one that broke the proverbial camel's back, I could no longer deal with his selfish behaviour, couldn't bring myself to continue to excuse his actions. I ran out of forgiveness.
I confronted him...it was almost surreal. I never in my life imagined that I'd have to lecture my own father and speak to him as if he were a recalcitrant, out of control teenager...but I did. I got in his face, and told him it was time for him to grow up, to step up to the plate and be a man. His mom and dad (my grandfather who had recently passed away) had already raised their kids, they had played a very big part in raising me and my younger sister, and now when they should be able to rest and enjoy their grandkids, their retirement, their golden years, they were still taking care of my dad! I was furious.
I said nothing that wasn't true, nothing that I regret and nothing that probably should have been said years ago. He sat and sniveled and agreed with me until I finally hit a nerve, I guess (I wish I knew which one, so I could keep poking it!), and he told me that he didn't give a f*** about me or what I thought and told me to leave. I said, "fine, but if I walk out that door now, you will no longer be allowed to be part of my life or that of my kids." He let me walk out that door.
As I drove home, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. He is persona non grata in my life -- boy, was Christmas awkward that year
But the point of this rather long story is that after I finally confronted him...my extremely bloody dreams just stopped. I guess my unresolved anger (I think rage was a more apt term), was finally resolved. I still have my predatory dreams, but the carnage has stopped.
My psychiatrist thinks it is interesting that I haven't had a nightmare, IMO, in years, but doesn't seem concerned by my predatory dreams. So as long as I don't start feeling any weird urges in real life, I guess I don't have anything to complain about.:p I mean, no nightmares, no waking up shaking in a cold sweat, afraid to go back to sleep...for fifteen years or so? As far as I'm concerned, this is a very cool thing.
However, though I feel like I've come close, I still have not achieved lucidity.
FYI, I read and watch a lot of horror and crime novels, movies and tv shows. And I've always been fascinated with psychology, particularly criminal psychology. I've always had an affinity for books written by FBI profilers, and tv programs about forensics, investigating crimes, even "psychics" who work with investigators.
Sweet dreams, everyone.