Leaving

[CoLd BlooDed]

Here's a song I made up - vocals and guitar are all by me. It's still a work in progress, but tell me what you think. Start soon, quick yet slow, Let hopes die and solemn flow, Regain a life once lived yet lost, Or risk all and face the cost. Why me, us, you, them? We jumped the gun, start a trend; Connection severed, asphalt wall, A giant barrier between us all. A coagulation, fragmentation, Hidden meaning of a congregation, Fucking penetration, no creation, Zero temptation and all frustration. Empty words lead cratered lies, Break these chains and rip the ties; Into darkness, tome of sin, Trades are tricks as tricks are thin. Worlds apart as it seems, Reality goes, splits and screams; Fade it out, drown the NOISE, Place it all and leap for joy. To palpitate and desecrate, Kill, smoke, stab, but no debate; Sedate, and then recriminate, Can't procreate, so spread the hate. Here's the recorded song. Quality is decent - tell me what you think. And I know, I know, my voice isn't perfect - but it's improving.

[Oneironaut Zero]

Not bad at all, man. Agree that the voice needs some work, but I know the shit's not easy. I can hardly even sing while I play, at all, so you're definitely getting it down. The guitar sounds great, though. I really like melody. Keep up the good work.

[Twoshadows]

I just now saw this thread otherwise I would have commented sooner. I've heard you mention your guitar and singing before and it was fun to actually hear it. Good job. Keep at it. I hope to hear more. So keep working on getting that collar bone healed (I'm guessing you aren't playing at the moment.) And just let me know when you play at the Whisky a Go Go....I'll try to make it down......

[Cyclic13]

The way it's written in prose and doesn't have any rhythm to it other than the rhyme scheme of the words, makes it kind of hard to follow. Personally, I prefer things to be in timed Iambic pentameter along with rhymed stanzas. The best advice I can offer is to keep writing, and read some Shakespeare, and things will eventually come together. Nice guitar playing, though!

[CoLd BlooDed]

GAH. I just wrote this massive response to all of you, then it disappeared. Geez, man... <div class='quotetop'>QUOTE("O")</div> Agree that the voice needs some work, but I know the shit&#39;s not easy. I can hardly even sing while I play, at all, so you&#39;re definitely getting it down. The guitar sounds great, though. I really like melody.[/b] First of all, thanks for taking the time to listen to my song. I know it isn&#39;t the first thing people want to do when they got on this forum... or at all, really. So thanks. Yeah, the voice needs work; I&#39;m going to get rid of some of the brutal harmonies I attempted (LOL), but I&#39;m still blown away at how much my voice has improved over two years. Seriously, man, if you had heard me when I first started guitar/singing, you would&#39;ve had nightmares. The melody is something I like, though - initially this was just a poem, but I decided to give it a try on being a song, so I just messed around on the guitar until I found something I liked. The entire melody is structured around the lyrics, so I&#39;m glad you liked how it turned out. Fortunately, this song is far from being done - I&#39;m not too happy with the quality, but that&#39;s to be expected from a mediocre microphone and a free audio-recording program. I&#39;m also going to make it longer. Still, thanks for listening, O - I&#39;m patiently waiting for your next piece. <div class='quotetop'>QUOTE("Twoshadows")</div> I&#39;ve heard you mention your guitar and singing before and it was fun to actually hear it. Good job. Keep at it. I hope to hear more. So keep working on getting that collar bone healed (I&#39;m guessing you aren&#39;t playing at the moment.)[/b] Twoshadows&#33; I was wondering when you were going to find this. Thanks for your comment, I actually have some more songs on this computer, so I&#39;ll see what I can find to share with you guys. Oh, and fortunately, I get my sling off tomorrow (and get a strap put on in it&#39;s place), so I&#39;ll be back with two hands in no time. <div class='quotetop'>QUOTE("Solskye")</div> The way it&#39;s written in prose and doesn&#39;t have any rhythm to it other than the rhyme scheme of the words, makes it kind of hard to follow. Personally, I prefer things to be in timed Iambic pentameter along with rhymed stanzas.[/b] I&#39;m sorry, but can you elaborate? I don&#39;t mean to sound green, but when you said there was no rhythm it caught me off guard. Do you mean to say there&#39;s no structure to the song? Or do you mean the actual lyrics themselves? If it&#39;s the former, let me just say that this is mostly understand by only me, it&#39;s very personal and describes the feelings I&#39;ve had over the last several months. If you want, I can &#39;decode&#39; each stanza, word for word, line by line. Also - and now I feel like an idiot - what&#39;s the definition of an Iambic pentameter? I&#39;ve heard the term before, but have never actual learned the meaning. Sorry for the lack of knowledge I have going on here. Otherwise, thanks for your review, it really is appreciated&#33; I have to learn from my mistakes and this really helps. ______________________________________ Here&#39;s another song for you, which is really more of an instrumental. When I recorded this, I just wanted to see how fast I could go and keep with the beat, so tell me what you think. Oh, and it starts to get really ugly sounding and offbeat about halfway through. So don&#39;t bite my head off about that. You guys are awesome - thanks for the input.

[Cyclic13]

When I was talking about rhythm, I meant the lyrics themselves are written without taking into account the syllable or rhythm count of each word, as is normally done in Iambic pentameter Which then, because some stanzas are longer than others, causes you to speed up your singing at times, and causes the overall flow to go a bit haywire. I'm sorry if I come across sounding harsh, but I'm hoping you'll strive that much harder from my honesty. Nice start, though! Sometimes simpler is better...

[Artelis]

uh, if you write in iambic pentameter every time (why does it have to be iambic pentameter?) then the actual notational rhythm that the lyrics follow will always be the same. You can change the rhythm to accomodate for more words. i.e. you can throw sixteenths into a bunch of eigths for more words. I just got out of a master class on this subject. Hardly any music is written with the same syllabic structure scheme throughout.

[Oneironaut Zero]

First of all, thanks for taking the time to listen to my song. I know it isn't the first thing people want to do when they got on this forum... or at all, really. So thanks. Yeah, the voice needs work; I'm going to get rid of some of the brutal harmonies I attempted (LOL), but I'm still blown away at how much my voice has improved over two years. Seriously, man, if you had heard me when I first started guitar/singing, you would've had nightmares. The melody is something I like, though - initially this was just a poem, but I decided to give it a try on being a song, so I just messed around on the guitar until I found something I liked. The entire melody is structured around the lyrics, so I'm glad you liked how it turned out. Fortunately, this song is far from being done - I'm not too happy with the quality, but that's to be expected from a mediocre microphone and a free audio-recording program. I'm also going to make it longer. Still, thanks for listening, O - I'm patiently waiting for your next piece. [/b] Hey, no problem man. Actually, it's a shame I didn't get around too it sooner. I know how much it sucks posting something and then having to wait, days on end, for replies. And I'll have some new stuff posted in just a lil bit. As far as iambic pentameter (if I'm using it correctly), think of it like this: Hickory Dickory Dock. The Mouse ran up the Clock. The Clock Struck One The Mouse ran down Hickory Dickory Dock. Every syllable that is emboldened is stressed, giving each line an identical flow. (Notice the "o" in Hickory and Dickory aren't.) While this is the "standard" (and easiest) way to structure rhymes, it's not necessary (and is actually detrimental, in terms of original style). I write enough rhymes to know that it's not so much in the structure, where you find the conformity, its in the delivery. True; you should keep your verses in a way that conforms to a (usually) four-beat measure, but that usually comes into play in the way that you, personally, deliver the lines. Many people that read my rhymes will be like "Hmmm...I can't see the way that all these words fit into each line," with each line being constricted to a certain 4-count, but when I actually spit the rhyme out, they'll be like "Oh......Wow. Ok, I see it now." I think your structure is just fine, as evidenced in the way you sang them all in time (for the most part, though pay attention to the timing so each word can come out and be heard individually), stressing all the proper syllables.

[ShYne123]

I liked it, the finished copy should be awsome

[Twoshadows]

Here's another song for you, which is really more of an instrumental. When I recorded this, I just wanted to see how fast I could go and keep with the beat, so tell me what you think. Oh, and it starts to get really ugly sounding and offbeat about halfway through. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/tongue.gif) So don't bite my head off about that. You guys are awesome - thanks for the input. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/grin.gif)[/b] Nah, I won't bite your head off. I think it's great that you are working on this and developing this talent. It looks like you are dedicated and will keep improving. And I think you are doing great. Hey, and I like your Orange Horses song too. So do you both sing and play on that too? If so, what does Jack do?

[CoLd BlooDed]

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE("Solskye")</div> Which then, because some stanzas are longer than others, causes you to speed up your singing at times, and causes the overall flow to go a bit haywire. I&#39;m sorry if I come across sounding harsh, but I&#39;m hoping you&#39;ll strive that much harder from my honesty[/b] Not at all, man&#33; I&#39;d rather have everything ripped to shreds than to have someone pussyfoot around the subject. I appreciate criticism. I now know what you mean by Iambic Pentameter. Thanks for clarifying, everybody. <div class='quotetop'>QUOTE("O")</div> I think your structure is just fine, as evidenced in the way you sang them all in time (for the most part, though pay attention to the timing so each word can come out and be heard individually), stressing all the proper syllables.[/b] That&#39;s something I&#39;m personally aware of, sometimes I start singing too fast and leave a consonant out. Thanks, man. <div class='quotetop'>QUOTE("ShYne")</div> I liked it, the finished copy should be awsome[/b] My thoughts, too - my friend who drums is actually going to do the beat to this, so I&#39;m happy the way it&#39;s gonna turn out&#33; Thanks for listening. <div class='quotetop'>QUOTE("Twoshadows")</div> Nah, I won&#39;t bite your head off. I think it&#39;s great that you are working on this and developing this talent. It looks like you are dedicated and will keep improving. And I think you are doing great.[/b] Aw, thank you. Since I got this guitar, I haven&#39;t put it down. <div class='quotetop'>QUOTE("Twoshadows")</div> Hey, and I like your Orange Horses song too. So do you both sing and play on that too? If so, what does Jack do?[/b] Oh man, Orange Horses was the first song me and Jack made. It&#39;s very trippy-sounding, in my opinion, and I love it because it&#39;s so original. That&#39;s me on the acoustic, and Jack does that massive solo. We take turns singing (he&#39;s the better voice in that recording - last time I recorded my bit was several months ago). Thanks so much guys.

[Cyclic13]

uh, if you write in iambic pentameter every time (why does it have to be iambic pentameter?) then the actual notational rhythm that the lyrics follow will always be the same. You can change the rhythm to accomodate for more words. i.e. you can throw sixteenths into a bunch of eigths for more words. I just got out of a master class on this subject. Hardly any music is written with the same syllabic structure scheme throughout. [/b] It doesn't have to be iambic pentameter, it's just what I personally like to hear at times. Technically, it could be any number of different rhyme schemes as long as it's consistent, was what I should've said. Just because standard music isn't written that way doesn't mean it wouldn't or doesn't sound good when someone sings in it. Personally, I try to have the same basic timing, syllable count, and ryhme scheme in my songs, but that's just me. By no means, am I an authority on the subject, I just told him what I prefer and what he might want to try and work on. Artelis, quick question; Is there ever a time you don't try and act like an authority on a given subject? Taking a class on something doesn't really amount to much in the end. Standard music theory will only take you so far with the music. Music theory, is basically a map of areas traversed before in a realm of boundless imagination. I really hope you lose the arrogance by the time you graduate, there's nothing worse than stuck up tech nerds or music elitists.

[Oneironaut Zero]

That's something I'm personally aware of, sometimes I start singing too fast and leave a consonant out. Thanks, man. [/b] Haha. I wasn't trying to state the obvious, man. I see you've got it pretty much down. I'm just saying that, out of the whole, there were only about 3 lines that were off by a syllable or two. Just making sure it's something you catch by the final cut.

[Cyclic13]

Hi oneironaut. How you doing, brotha?

[Oneironaut Zero]

Hi oneironaut. How you doing, brotha? [/b] Good, man. You?

[Cyclic13]

Chillin 8)

[Oneironaut Zero]

Glad ta hear it.

[Twoshadows]

Aw, thank you. Since I got this guitar, I haven't put it down. [/b] Good for you. I admire that. I wish my poor guitar got that much attention...or any at all, for that matter. Oh man, Orange Horses was the first song me and Jack made. It's very trippy-sounding, in my opinion, and I love it because it's so original. That's me on the acoustic, and Jack does that massive solo. We take turns singing (he's the better voice in that recording - last time I recorded my bit was several months ago).[/b] Right...so yours is the bad voice. Got it. Just kidding. You and Jack haven't been playing too long together, have you? Didn't you move over the summer? And when did you get your guitar?

[CoLd BlooDed]

Originally posted by Twoshadows+--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Twoshadows)</div> Right...so yours is the bad voice. Got it. Just kidding.[/b] Hahaha, I was about to agree with you there, too. Originally posted by Twoshadows@ You and Jack haven&#39;t been playing too long together, have you? Didn&#39;t you move over the summer? Oh, we&#39;ve been playing for a long time. Almost every day of grade 10 he&#39;d come over and we&#39;d play guitar. This is just one of our recordings together. Jack has a portion of &#39;Let it Be&#39; on my computer, and I think it sounds awesome, along with a couple others. Yeah, I did move over the summer. Me and Jack haven&#39;t done much jamming since. <!--QuoteBegin-Twoshadows And when did you get your guitar? December 25th, 2004.

[Twoshadows]

Hahaha, I was about to agree with you there, too. Oh, we've been playing for a long time. Almost every day of grade 10 he'd come over and we'd play guitar. This is just one of our recordings together. Jack has a portion of 'Let it Be' on my computer, and I think it sounds awesome, along with a couple others.[/b] That's too bad you and Jack can't play together as much. I kind of had that problem. I got my guitar the year in college I hung out with these guitar playing guys. They were going to teach me. But of course, it seemed that they immediately graduated after that, and that was that. I wasn't one of these people that was very good at teaching myself. Edit: I wanted you to know you inspired me to get my guitar out again. See my Dream Journal for pictures.

[CoLd BlooDed]

Originally posted by Twoshadows That's too bad you and Jack can't play together as much. True, but it makes it even better when we jam periodically, just because we surprise each other with our drastically improved skill.

[CoLd BlooDed]

UPDATED Alright, here's the most recent version of the song, complete with more lyrics, drums, and lead guitar. I'm on rhythm and vocals, my friends are doing the other segments, and improvised the entire way through (including that shitty vocal bit during the solo ). Note: Although more complete, it is still not 100% done. There was no time to adjust levels or redo certain parts - we had one or two takes per segment. Ignore the 'screaming', it won't be there for the final edit. The song is available here. If that doesn't work, try this. Start soon, quick yet slow, Let hopes die and solemn flow, Regain a life once lived yet lost, Or risk all and face the cost. Why me, us, you, them? We jumped the gun, start a trend; Connection severed, asphalt wall, A giant barrier between us all. A coagulation, fragmentation, Hidden meaning of a congregation, Fucking penetration, no creation, Zero temptation and all frustration. Empty words lead cratered lies, Break these chains and rip the ties; Into darkness, tome of sin, Trades are tricks as tricks are thin. Worlds apart as it seems, Reality goes, splits and screams; Fade it out, drown the NOISE, Place it all and leap for joy. To palpitate and desecrate, Kill, smoke, stab, but no debate; Sedate, and then recriminate, Can't procreate, so spread the hate. [solo] In the shadows, all alone, Emotions brewing, some unknown, Responsibility, you do postpone, Don't look for me, I've turned to stone. Grasp onto these hidden hopes, Dangling in the air like frail ropes, Upon young minds, we do bestow, With no goodbyes and no hellos. Impose your thoughts, and give your words, Distorted freedom soars like the birds, Your motives, wrong, such sacrifice, Your soul, gone, heart black as ice. This abusing, found quite amusing, One's trust rather ripe for the choosing, Living, losing, it's always confusing, Accusing, refusing, all from the moving... Thanks guys, for everything. The feedback is always appreciated. Oh, and yeah, I go out of tune at several parts (during the harmonizing at the end of the solo and the 'impose your thoughts&#39. Cheers!

[Oneironaut Zero]

It's sounding good, CB. Love how the guitar in the solo turned out. Aside from the levels, I'd say project your singing a little more. The tones sound good, but your voice kinda sounds reserved. Sing that shit, man.

[Twoshadows]

Even though I already commented to you about this, I'll give you another. Very good, CB! It's really coming along. I like the added set of verses. Bravo! :bravo:

[CoLd BlooDed]

Originally posted by O+--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(O)</div> It&#39;s sounding good, CB. Love how the guitar in the solo turned out. Aside from the levels, I&#39;d say project your singing a little more. The tones sound good, but your voice kinda sounds reserved. Sing that shit, man[/b] Thanks, man. Yeah, at parts the voice is really quiet - either that&#39;s the part when I ran out of breath or I subconsciously leaned back from the microphone. But I will sing that shit next time I have a chance to do vocals. <!--QuoteBegin-TS It&#39;s really coming along. I like the added set of verses. Bravo&#33; Thanks, Twoshadows.