Yes, the man who thinks he knows it all is here begging for guidance. Here's the deal, I'm tired of being single and I'm sick of sitting around feeling sorry for myself. I'm officially on the market. I want to find out where the hell all the good women are at.

Here's what I'm looking for: Trustworthy, loyal, honest, nice, non-bitchy and not obsessed with material things (almost sounded like the Boy Scout motto at first there). Good looks are certainly a plus. Other positive traits for me are if they like video gaming, talking, joking around, and can enjoy just sitting around being intimate or cuddling sometimes. No gold-diggers.

My friends say "Go where the women are." Ok, that sounds lovely enough but where the hell are they? Seriously. And whoever says to go to a book store is getting bitch-slapped right in the mouth. You can only hang around a book store so long before management kicks you out for harassing customers.

Supermarket: See bookstore.

I'm told to go to clubs and bars: Sounds great, huh? Well, it sucks. I'm not a bar-goer so why would I want to present myself as one by trying to pick up women there? Besides, the only single women you'll find in a bar are those there looking to be picked up and porked. Also sounds great, huh? Wrong. That's exactly the kind of woman I DON'T want.

They say to go to church: Sounds great, huh? Well it's not. I'm not a church-goer so why would I want to present myself as some one who is? Again, picking op a woman under false pretenses is lying and only leads to failure.

Online: Well, that's a no-brainer. Every girl I've ever met online is either taken already, full of shit, out for a good time only and/or lives a million miles away.

Online dating sites: Again, a no-brainer. Dating sites are for helpless losers. Ok, so maybe I will fit in there. But I don't trust dating sites or anyone who frequents them. People at dating sites are usually looking to screw over some poor, heart-broken sap like myself.

Work: A lot of decent women come in to the places I work, sure. But I can't even approach them (which pisses me off to no end) because of the whole "It's bad for business to hit on customers" thing.

So please help me. What do I do? Where the hell do you find people of like mind? It just seems like they don't even exist any anymore and it's so incredibly frustrating and discouraging