Searching For The Center of Everything

[Thursday, October 11th, 2012]

<The night before this, Alex had told me how she felt about me... she popped the question, "Why are we together?" a few times and after she left, it felt like the end of the world. She was definitely going to leave me... I was angry and sad at the same time. Why is she so unfair with me? Demanding things of me, but when I ask for the same, she tells me I will never understand. She must love to drill me further into the ground. Even now as I type this, I can't help feeling a helpless feeling... a bitter disgust for the Alex that night, that lectured me like a child and let me know I was a horrible boyfriend. My heart sank 3 times smaller that night. I sat in my bed and sobbed for hours and screamed into my pillow, trying to stop my heart from hurting. I thought about hurting myself physically, I thought about leaving her before she could leave me. I even left a few scars on my mind. I finally calmed down after talking to her on the phone... she made me laugh... while I was going to get cigarettes, but I still felt miserable as I lied down to go to bed.>

(Before I fell asleep, being as horrible anxious and depressed and emotional as I was... I told my subconscious to just give me whatever dream it thought I needed to see. "Go ahead. Throw anything I need to see at me. But make me lucid. I need to be lucid!" I fall asleep.)

(Hours later, I have my first dream that I remember...)

I walk out of a motel room with Alex beside me and we look around. Some kind of festival was occuring all around us. People are walking around in all directions, mostly heading for a particular carnival ground. Some are in costume, some are stark naked. We walk around for a bit and decide to head back to where we came from, to change our appearence. I decide I wanted to either be stark naked too, or cross-dress. Back at the motel room, I skim through my options in clothes, and notice I suddenly have a lot of female clothes in my closet as well as male ones. Alex isn't with me anymore though. So I walk back outside and wander around some more- still with the urge to rip off all of my clothes.

Glancing around at people more, I notice that I know quite a lot of people here- no family members, but people from my town that I know are very common here. Suddenly, I see some people walking towards Bashas'. Apparently, Bashas' is allowing our festival to take as much food as we want to bring back for a feast. I follow the small crowd to Bashas'. Outside, I wait for an employee to unlock the doors... and we head in with shopping carts. We start tossing in random items, from meats to snacks to candy to cheeses to drinks. The second cart starts filling up with purely meat, and I warn them not to overdo it on meat.

<dream skips>

We're back at the festival. I grab a flyer from the ground and it shows my whole family is performing. Tim Z****, Bob Z****, and a few other Z****'s that I've never heard of. I realize that I can't cross-dress or go stark naked because they're here and I don't want them to think bad of me. I see Zack and Alex together and I walk up to them. Zack and me are friendly like we used to be.

<HOLE IN MEMORY> My Dad was involved with this memory, as were Alex and Zack. We were gathering something off the dirt street, there were lots of them... we were in the old west and my Dad was standing next to an old wagon. <memory skips>

We're now in the middle of a cardboard-like city. The buildings are close together and flat and textureless like a cheap old video game using 3D models of a wall and a cheap texture stretched across the surface. It's like a type of maze here with buildings painted on the walls. The structures do however tower into the sky like normal. I'm still with Alex and Zack. We're doing something <HOLE IN MEMORY> when me and Alex seperate from Zack. The grey sky becomes covered in clouds the color of charcoal. They become the darkest black imaginable. Me and Alex look at each other and instantly begin to run down the street, searching for shelter. I see Zack behind us walking some other direction, almost as if he's unaware. He turns a corner and I lose sight of him. I keep running the other way.

We arrive inside of a dark building to wait out the storm. Rain begins to POUR and we wait there for hours. When it finally stops, we go outside, and color is returning to the sky. The sun peaks out from behind the clouds, but the world is still a dull grey tone.

We walk back to where our motel was and I find where my car is parked. We hop in and begin to drive. She wants to find Zack... she's worried sick about him. I'm depressed- We drive for a bit more and <HOLE IN MEMORY> I park in the Circle K with pumps, and do a horrible job. I try to re-align my park job a few times before I give up and decide its okay how I parked. Alex walks up to me and starts yelling at me about some unknown thing and asks me why I left her somewhere. I tried to explain I didn't leave her anywhere... but it's no use. We both hop in the car however and drive off towards the direction of McDonalds. "Please, we have to find Zack. I'm worried about him." I keep driving.

Suddenly, we're in a Fun-House of Mirrors, sitting inside a track-ride. We slowly turn a corner and see Zack lying down. The car stops and Alex gets out and runs to Zack and gives him a long hug. She lets go and kisses Zack on the lips. I blink my eyes and see that Zack has his knuckle up to Alex lips. It's a gesture towards me- that Zack would have made before while he was still my friend. I watch the whole scene objectively, as if it had nothing to do with me... a movie I knew was depressing, but lacked the emotion to feel. The only thing I felt was that I was a horrible boyfriend- at that moment I remembered all of the things I had been saying throughout the dream. It was like my horrible self from waking life was invading my dreams- I had said pathetic things about Zack and that I was tired of all this shit and more. I felt horrible compared to Zack, who had just done something nice for me

<I wake up feeling like shit.>

(I still admired the intensity of the dream, and closed my eyes again and imagined being lucid during it... I repeated in my head, "It's a dream.")
================================================== =============
<I fell back into a dream.>
<It's continued with "Pedophilia in a Dark Place" after this dream.

[Tuesday, September 18th, 2012] [Morning]
<dream recall starts here, despite the dreams before it>
I'm in an open magical world mixed in with elements of reality. I start my journey traveling along a straight desert mountain path with Me, Alex, and Nathan. There's a wild west theme to all of this. We arrive at a old stone ruin marketplace... the smell of food brings us to one seller's counter with 4 cowboys behind it. That's to the left of this path I'm on, and on the right is a walled off area for people to sit down and eat... there's an arch to get through to the inside. I think I have 5 dollars in my pocket and I look at all the menu's. The food costs about $1-1.50 each item and the drinks also $1... I should have enough for all three of us to eat and share a drink. As I'm staring at the menus still, I hear the 4 Cowboys joking about me- taunting me about being a girly boy and laughing and hooping and hollering. I ignore it at first and recount my money... I have a $5... a $2... a $1... another $1... My money amount changed on me. I look up to hear the cowboys teasing me again. I start to get pretty pissed off, which is surprising... I don't usually let this emotion get the best of me in a dream. I look at Alex and she motions for me to calm down. I don't. I think about getting up in their face... one of them makes a remark that I REALLY don't like and I raise my fist to slam it down in their face. I hear a "HEY! FREEZE!" and I let my fist go with the warm breeze just before it hits. My clenched fist's energy disperses and my hand glides slowly past his face. Smooth. Very smooth. Behind the trash-talker is someone on a horse, dressed in uniform. It's probably the Sheriff. The whole marketplace is suddenly ablaze with officers of the law, taking in anyone who is selling things illegally. The 4 we were just talking to were breaking the law too. I understood that anyone that had already bought something were okay, but the items had to be confiscated. I peaked over the wall to an area full of food and thought about sneaking some food off- but it might be a bad idea. People were scrambling every which way to get out of here, in quite the panic. Alex got seperated from us and me and Nathan went further down the path towards where we had seen the Sheriff. I glance to my right and see a Police Car collecting all of the food- good thing I hadn't tried to take anything. I also see what looks like a Gun Execution in progress. 4 cowboys standing in a row, and 4 officers in a row with guns pointed at the cowboys. Me and Nathan walk up just in time, and I pull him instantly back the other way to try and avoid us this dark sight. None of us actually "see" it, but its now in our mind. We hear the gunshots go off 3 seconds later. I turn to Nathan and joked, "Fuck, we're gonna be scarred for life now." In a way, I must have known this was a dream. We met up with Alex and then I woke back up.
<more dreams after this... I don't write any down and they evaporate...>